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Adventure
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Title : Under The Same Sky (revised) Author : Genevieve Graham Genre : Action, Adventure, Historical, Novel, Saga, Fantasy Review: Compelling, intriguing, and bordering on hypnotic. Hey, Genevieve
I very much enjoyed reading your chapters. They are quite possibly the best I have been assigned since joining the site earlier this year. I found your style of writing almost poetic to read, and you held my attention easily, compelling me to read on. There were a few parts which paused me, or got my attention, which I list below. Your scores are mostly fives. The places I gave a lower score were for the pace, but the only place I felt there was an issue with that (and it was very minor as I scored you a four) was the beginning. The back story and relevant information is required in every story we read. Maybe it was just my impatience that wanted things to happen quicker. yet when they happened, they REALLY happened. I also marked slightly lower for dialogue as it's difficult to grade something that there isn't much of.
There is so much in here. Your story made me smile, made me gawp at the page like a fool, and even brought a sheen of moistness to my eyes (but please don't tell anyone).
Okay, things I picked up on:
“My dreams introduced me to people I had never seen and took me to places I could never have known existed.” – I’m not 100% sure on this one, but I felt as though this needed a comma after ‘seen’ to separate the two halves of the sentence.
“Just like we never talked about the night of my father's death. It happened on the night of my seventeenth birthday.” – I felt this needed playing with so you’re not repeating ‘the night of’ in both lines.
“The wagon clattered downhill, too fast to avoid a boulder in its path. The front wheel crashed against the granite, and its spokes splintered. The staves of the wagon twisted from the horse's harness, ricocheted off a solitary oak and hit the ground with a sickening crack. The horse screamed and ran faster still.” – You have four lines running here, beginning with ‘the’ so it sounded a little monotonous and almost lost the action description for me. You could try rewording a couple: ‘With a scream, the horse ran faster still’, for example.
“We were what we had always been. Close enough that our minds were like one, far enough that we had never felt each other's touch.” – For some reason, I felt these two lines would sound better switched. I read it aloud a few times, and the initial sentence sounded like a more convincing ending to your chapter than ‘felt each other’s touch’.
“He appeared in my thoughts as if to watch me, as intrigued by me as I was by him” – Try here: ‘He appeared in my thoughts as if to watch me; intrigued by me as I was of him.’ The two ‘as’ so close together sounds a little clunky.
“but if I could find a quiet place and relax, I could sometimes see him under the light” – I’d try ‘I would sometimes see him under the light’ to avoid repetition of ‘could’.
“All I knew was that something horrible was coming. Something I couldn't see, but knew” – I don’t think you need the second line. It takes away the impact of the first line, which already gives us the information you allow in the second line.
““Yes, sir,” said Chandler. He drew a pistol from his belt, aimed it at my mother, and shot her through her head.” – This was a definite OMG line. My jaw dropped.
“thin line of blood that snaked from the back of her head, down her neck and into” – We know where it came from so you could simplify it to: ‘thin line of blood that snaked down her neck into...’
“forest where the world offer a hint of cool green.” – I think it should be: ‘offerED a hint of cool green.’
“That amber liquid that burned men's throats and set them free” – Reads awkward with the first ‘that’. Maybe you could consider altering it to: ‘Amber liquid that burned men’s throats...’
“My wrists were still tied and suspended over my head. I no longer felt them.” – I think you mention three times about the numbness of her wrists, in pretty much the same words. Maybe: ‘My wrists were now so numb, I would no longer be aware if my hands were absent.’ A bit of a useless reword suggestion, but you get the idea.
“Fear melted to apathy, pain dulled to hopelessness, escape became an illusion.” – it’s these kind of lines that made me almost sigh with how well and fluidly they are written. Beautiful (even if the subject referred to isn’t).
“For a moment his eyes lost their focus, as if he heard something, as if he sensed the air around us both. Then something moved behind his eyes and I felt the warmth of his fingertips brush my cheek.” – Nooooooooooooo!!!!!! What on earth are you thinking???? You can’t end this here!!! What are you trying to do to me??????????? Hehehe.
Excellent job with this. It will be a crime if this doesn’t get published. Synopsis The 18th century lives of Maggie and Andrew are continents apart, but connected by their minds. They communicate through visions, rescuing each other from violence and death.
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Under The Same Sky
18 May 2010, 00:02
