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YouWriteOn Message Board > Literary Forums > It Was A Dark And Stormy Night... Help Search Recent Posts
Those awful opening sentences..
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ciaranl
 21 Dec 2011, 12:43 #137584 Reply To Post
I don't know how many times I've written and rewritten various opening sentences and just never got them right. I've got one now and its driving me mad.


Low sound blasted from the foghorn and caromed off the side of Mount Clarence. A high pitched whistle followed, every bit as loud, and the town stood rigid in the post explosive silence as if something terrible had just occurred/happened/taken place/whatever...


When I hit moments like these I think to myself, what the hell am I doing wasting my time on this crap. You can't even string a couple of sentences together.

I hate writing. It's for geniuses and imbeciles.
This post was last edited by ciaranl, 21 Dec 2011, 13:11
Time And Time Again
ciaranl
 21 Dec 2011, 13:10 #137587 Reply To Post
Okay, that was a bit moany. But I find there are sentences and passages where it's important to make an impact, to set a standard and create a sense of what's to follow, and these are most commonly the dreaded opening gambit.

You know what they say about lightness of touch, about trying too hard. Maybe it's better to just relax a bit..

But everyone agonises over sentences and paras right? Everyone finds an ugly duckling now and then and goes mad trying to fix it. Don't they?
Time And Time Again
SusieHolmes
 21 Dec 2011, 13:12 #137588 Reply To Post
Quote: ciaranl, Wednesday, 21 Dec 2011 12:43
I don't know how many times I've written and rewritten various opening sentences and just never got them right. I've got one now and its driving me mad.


Low sound blasted from the foghorn and caromed off the side of Mount Clarence. A high pitched whistle followed, every bit as loud, and the town stood rigid in the post explosive silence as if something terrible had just occurred.


When I hit moments like these I think to myself, what the hell am I doing wasting my time on this crap. You can't even string a couple of sentences together.


I agree, you've given yourself a chewy couple of first sentances there. I can see what you are trying to do, but yep, they are tricky to read and a little bit opaque. I feel as though you're giving us a paragraph in amongst that. And post-explosive is a bit clunky and what is a caromed? (I know I should google it, but many people won't know either and it might halt them as well.)

What I like about your writing is that it's poetic and descriptive but not over fancy. This is poetic, descriptive but too fancy. Perhaps simplify a bit?

Good luck with it!

ciaranl
 21 Dec 2011, 13:24 #137589 Reply To Post
Thanks Susie, think I'm going to abandon it.

There's a steamship in the harbour and it's leaving.
Time And Time Again
sulcus
 21 Dec 2011, 13:30 #137591 Reply To Post
Quote: ciaranl, Wednesday, 21 Dec 2011 12:43


Low sound blasted from the foghorn and caromed off the side of Mount Clarence. A high pitched whistle followed, every bit as loud, and the town stood rigid in the post explosive silence as if something terrible had just occurred/happened/taken place/whatever...



The foghorn rapped its sonorous summons against the portal of Mount Clarence. A whistle shrill enough for townsfolk to hear as well as their hounds, froze both in the dread-laden silence that followed.

Just a suggestion
"A,B&E", "Not In My Name" and "52FF" (flash fiction anthology) all available on Amazon Kindle

"How a psychopath makes sweet love. I can get you ringside. Royal box even."
paulb
 21 Dec 2011, 14:22 #137595 Reply To Post
This is an interesting challenge. How about:

A forlorn sound echoed off the side of Mount Clarence. As far as anyone could know, the deep boom of the foghorn was a call to awaken the dead. The high pitched whistle that followed froze the inhabitants of the nearby town into silence, as if some dreadful calamity was about to occur.

Paul
sulcus
 21 Dec 2011, 14:40 #137598 Reply To Post
It's not often my writing displays greater brevity than somebody else's...
"A,B&E", "Not In My Name" and "52FF" (flash fiction anthology) all available on Amazon Kindle

"How a psychopath makes sweet love. I can get you ringside. Royal box even."
safiaadam
 21 Dec 2011, 15:02 #137600 Reply To Post
Hi Ciaran

Just to add to the confusion:

The foghorn’s booming bass caromed off Mount Clarence’s slope. The overbearing silence which followed a high-pitched whistle froze the town, as inhabitants waited to hear what had occurred.

Is this too sparse for you? I suspect it's not quite what you were after, but it was my first instinct to simplify the opening sentence and work up to the poetic stuff gradually, once you have gained the reader's confidence in you.

Good luck.

Safia
Follow your bliss
clairewhatley
 21 Dec 2011, 15:22 #137603 Reply To Post
Hi Ciaran,
I don't think there's much wrong with these sentences apart from the verb "carom" (as Susie said) which had me reaching for the dictionary, and the "post explosive" which is a bit too much here.

I'd just change "caromed" to "echoed" and perhaps change "post explosive silence" to...I don't know..."ensuing silence"?

BTW I love an opportunity to look words up in the dictionary (and I can now see how "caromed" is appropriate), but not necessarily when it's the opening sentence!
nil desperandum
paulb
 21 Dec 2011, 16:10 #137604 Reply To Post
Looking at Ciaran's work, it is likely he lives on the other side of the planet and is probably asleep at the moment.
Paul
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