The night the Sirocco blew, 1942

Author : Marie Laval

Genre : Short Story, Historical, Literary Fiction

beautiful writing

This is beautifully written and a very enjoyable read. It reminded me of The Greengage Summer, which I read about hundred years ago and still vividly remember. I really like the way you’ve cut the children off from adult influence and protection, viewing the escalating situation through the eyes of a much younger child.

I’ll cover the minor points first:

Be cautious of "easy" phrases which can sound over-familiar, e.g. "Juicy watermelons, plump figs". If you could come up with a really original turn of phrase here it would be great.

A vivid description of the children fishing for and preparing the urchins could work well. It's something I can't imagine doing and it could make a memorable moment!

A tiny missed opportunity here: "And the summer would pass slowly." It doesn't say that much. I suppose I mean it could convey more of the general memory of WHY the summers are so wonderfully endless. Here is a good point to mention that your account also reminded me of My Family and Other Animals, which will explain what I mean far better than I can!

"What I do remember is to be woken up" - should that be "being woken up"?

Another teeny thing:
“So what do you think, kids?” Guy whistled and I stammered. “You are… beautiful”.
It took me a second to realise that Christiane was the first speaker here. Perhaps needs a “she asked” – especially as you’re entering an important part of the story now.

Equally minor point:
“Don’t you say a word to her! I’ll kill you if you do!” she screamed and she left me in tears.
You’ve already said Renée is crying, so perhaps give us a quick visual image of Christiane storming out, or Renée’s posture (huddled etc).

Now to the one major suggestion I have. I do think the story whips too fast through the final stages. You’ve had a lovely build-up, and then we progress, with great interest, to the story of Christiane, with her happiness giving way to anxiety, then the final crisis. In my opinion this could move much more slowly, perhaps introducing us to a specific soldier or even two, one of them finally being the one she (?)kills. Coming to that, as well – I sort of had to guess that she’d killed someone. You could make this far more apparent – it doesn’t need to be over the top, but you could give us a hint or even show us something like a foot lying where it shouldn’t be…just enough to give us a chill. Again I’m thinking back to The Greengage Summer. Last point – I also felt the character of Guy wasn’t established enough. I love the way he “becomes a man” through this disaster but that needs more build-up. The balance of power needs to shift from Christiane to him.

I loved the ending, with the (spoiler)

I hope this all makes sense. I think this is excellent work and should be expanded!

Synopsis
One more Algerian short story, this one set in 1942! Renée spends a few weeks in Suffren with her elder sister Christiane and brother Guy. The arrival of American soldiers and the attention they pay to Christiane lead to dramatic developments. Enter any story title into the search function on the top right hand corner of the site to read the opening chapters.