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Professional critique for THE HARROWING DARKNESS by J. Keller Ford
Congratulations on being chosen for this month’s bestseller chart – I can see why your fellow YouWriteOn members voted for you as you have something rather intriguing and engaging here.
Plot and structure:
Before I start discussing the actual storyline, a quick word on the subject of ‘genre’: it’s encouraging that you have a clear idea of what you are writing and who you are writing it for – that is exactly the kind of thing agents, publishers, etc., look for in submissions, however unfortunately the fantasy genre isn’t a very burgeoning or popular area of the fiction market in the UK, apart from amongst a small community of readers/publishers. In fact, there are very few dedicated fantasy and science fiction lists left. All this is a longwinded way of saying that you lower your appeal factor if you categorise it as fantasy. Obviously, you can’t get away from the fact that this is a fantasy novel, and a very good one at that, but I wonder if it’s worth erring on the side of caution and focusing more on the teen fiction aspect when it comes to giving it a label? Teen fiction on the other hand is a growing and hungry market, so if you can capitalise on that as much as possible, you will increase your chances of success.
Onto the plot itself: I always read the chapters before I read the synopsis, to see if the narrative can stand up for itself and carry me along without prior insight or knowledge. I must say that until I read the synopsis, I was pretty much in the dark in terms of what was going on. This probably has more to do with writing style than actual plot, but it’s also a structural comment and I would be careful of assuming too much of the reader’s knowledge when unravelling your story. As you present each new character or the dynamic of each new relationship, give a little background information on every one so that the reader is armed with some insight and history to carry them through the action. For instance, I really wanted to know more about David’s relationship with Nan – who is she exactly? How did she become his guardian? In what way is she supposed to have betrayed him? Is there a positive side to their relationship at all? Does he love her deep down or is there only the hatred and resentment that he displays in these early chapters? I doubt it, as she is clearly fond of him and that comes across perfectly well but there’s no use extrapolating when it should be made clear from the outset. At the moment we have to rely on the scenes of rather heated dialogue between the two to decipher the drama behind their words, but it’s rather nebulous and hard to grasp. Make use of the wonderful third person omniscient narrator to fill in the gaps and colour in the background. To make it more exciting, you could even use flashback scenes. This is a really important thing to keep in mind especially if you are considering making this into a series; give enough information and detail to satisfy the new reader without saturating and boring the familiar reader.
Judging by these chapters – and indeed the synopsis! – I can’t find anything lacking in your plot. It seems to have all the ingredients for an exciting, gripping, page-turning read: an ordinary human boy discovering his rather magical destiny; the forces of good versus evil; strange otherworldly beasts and creatures. I like the Pullman-esque use of parallel worlds, and the element of romance in the shape of Charlotte is also a very good angle for teen fiction.
Character and voice:
You have a colourful cast of characters that straddle both the human and fantasy worlds… even in these few pages one meets quite a few intriguing, mysterious characters. As I said before however it is crucial that you introduce them with some kind of context. Obviously, a great deal of these opening chapters is written from David’s point of view, and he is often just as in the dark as the reader regarding who the ‘gnomish gentleman’ is or the man in the red woollen tunic who visits Nan in the middle of the night. But the characters within David’s sphere – Nan, Charlotte, even Martin and Greg – need more life breathed into them, more background and history and details on how they fit in with David’s life.
As for David himself, he seems to be a good, solid main character to carry the narrative along, but again, make sure more of an insight is given into his thoughts and feelings so that the reader is able to empathise with him, care for him, identify with him, want to know what happens to him. It is his journey, his adventure that ultimately provides the driving force behind the narrative, the reason to keep turning the pages, as such he needs to be a fully rounded, fully fleshed sixteen-year-old. However, I wonder if he’s just a little but too mature at 16 to appeal to the younger teen reader (as I’m sure you know, young readers tend to read about heroes or characters who are slightly older than them, but is a twelve/thirteen year old going to be able to relate to a 16 year old? Would 15 years old bridge that gap a little more?
I would also make David a little more cynical about the contents of the letter. He seems to believe it without question straight away, yet he’s been led to believe his parents are dead all these years… wouldn’t he therefore question its authenticity, at least to begin with?
As I mentioned briefly above, another way to help develop your characters is through their interaction with others. In these initial chapters, it is David’s relationship with his guardian that needs working on and exploring a little more. By the way, do you think it matters that her name Nan sounds like she’s a grandmother? How old is she exactly? When his friendship with Charlotte is first mentioned I would make his romantic feelings towards her a bit clearer from the outset, that there it is more to it than an innocent friendship, just as a way of introducing her and their relationship in the most comprehensive light possible.
Writing style:
I don’t really have much to say about your prose as you seem to have a very natural, effortless, engaging style. No issues with syntax either. And these chapters build up to an explosive cliff hanger which is extremely effective before the story disappears into the realms of fantasy; I imagine you plan a few more of those in the course of the story?
This kind of fiction obviously lends itself to a great deal of vivid description. There’s less of it here in these opening chapters as they are set in the ‘real world’ but I’m sure you do a very good job of it when depicting your parallel world. However, the mansion David lives in doesn’t seem very contemporary or credible… is it a bit gothic to fit in the real world?
Small line-editing comments
page 2 para 2 The meaning of ‘There, open now’ isn’t very clear. Suggest expanding slightly to: ‘There, try and open now…’ It should also be made more obvious that even though the doors are open, there is no one to be seen.
Page 2 Why is Nan so careless in allowing David to see the letter when she clearly doesn’t want him to know the truth? Is it deliberate? A mistake because she’s so upset? Suggest making clear.
Page 3 last para ‘Our son’ is slightly confusing. As not enough is known about Lysbeth, it can be construed that the ‘our’ refers to the writer of the letter and Lysbeth – i.e. that she is David’s mother. As the letter isn’t signed off, there’s no telling how many people it’s from. Suggest amending slightly to avoid the confusion.
Page 9 para 1 would it be a good idea to expand on the image of ‘flapping of large wings’? Maybe he could see something in the distance not just hear it. It’s a clever hint of what is on the other side, but blink and you miss it.
Page 12 line 2 ‘you know the rules’: let the reader in on what these rules are here as a way of giving necessary background.
Page 21 line 2 ‘you called the cops on me’: give the background story on this too, as it makes no sense in this context.
Final Analysis:
With some honing and polishing and expanding in the areas I’ve mentioned, I think you could have something with potential here. As fantasy fiction goes, this could be a good crossover novel, so I would focus on the teen aspect as much as possible. And if this isn’t the one to get you noticed, do keep writing and experimenting and refining your skill. With some patience and dedication as well as the requisite talent, you’ll get there in the end!
I wish you lots of luck with it and thank you for an enjoyable read.
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The Harrowing Darkness
02 May 2009, 11:47
Synopsis
Three Steps to Heaven
