Critique below by Orion Editor Natalie Brain. Orion publish bestselling authors such as Ian Rankin and Michael Palin.

Title : Secrets and Ghosts

Author : Denzed

Genre : Novel, Teenage Fiction

View Chapters Excerpt

Synopsis
'Disbeliever' Mike is stranded at a hotel whilst his dad and the ghost hunting crew go on expeditions to haunted sites. Mike meets a mysterious girl with a dangerous secret. To save her from a forced marriage he must confront a ghost in the hotel that wants to kill him.

Critique from Orion Editor Natalie Braine:


Dear Denzed

Congratulations on being selected for a professional critique by your writing peers at YouWriteOn.com. I really enjoyed reading your sample pages of SECRETS AND GHOSTS and I was impressed by the confidence of your writing. While I don’t think the material so far needs a great deal of reworking as it is already in fairly good shape, what I hope these editorial notes will do is provide you with some useful pointers as to how you can hone and develop the existing chapters, and what to pay attention to as the novel progresses.


Structure:

You have opted for quite a simple structure, with a very clear-cut narrative drive that is almost entirely linear. However, you have introduced one sub-plot (Mike’s dad’s burgeoning relationship with Hannah) which should add more interest to the narrative. It is hard to judge from the synopsis alone, but will other sub-plots be brought in? I think it’s important to introduce more than one peripheral story, as these offer dramatic relief for the reader from the main narrative, and often provide a richer reading experience.


Plot:

As Mike is the narrator as well as the protagonist, it is sometimes hard to avoid this, but I felt a lot of the drama was told rather than shown to the reader. For example, Mike tells the reader about what his dad and co do when they are ghost-hunting, but the reader is never able to witness this. You need to be aware not to default to this tactic of telling the reader rather than showing them, as it can distance them from the narrative. It can be effective for informing the reader quickly about something that would take too long to play out dramatically, but if it is over-used, it can look like lazy storytelling.

Mike constantly states that he doesn’t believe in the ‘ghost stuff’, and I think this could be explored more. I liked that he was incredulous about the strange occurrences that were happening around him, as this aligns him more with the reader. But why doesn’t he believe in this when his dad does? Does his dad mind that he’s a sceptic? I think exploring this issue could also reveal more about the father/son relationship between Mike and Chris. And it’s never explained whether ghost-hunting is their full-time jobs, or whether they have normal 9-5 jobs, but do this on the side? You need to give the reader more background information, but do it in a way that doesn’t feel stilted; it should be seamlessly interwoven into the narrative.

I loved the scene where Chris has to pluck up the courage to tell Mike about his dad, not knowing that Mike has been aware of Hannah’s affections all along. It was a touching scene, and one that was nicely underplayed. I also thought the scenes between Mike and Shafi were well-handled and liked how it was ambiguous at first whether Shafi was a ghost or not.

From reading your synopsis, it reveals that the plot will veer into unexpected territory when Shafi dies. But the idea of a human boy and his ghost girlfriend ghost-hunting has great dramatic potential. And the open ending of course leaves room for a sequel!


Characterisation:

I warmed to Mike straight away. For a teenager, he’s pretty easy-going and down to earth. He’s jokey and sarcastic like many teenagers his age, but there is also a serious, more mature edge to him. Mike reveals early on that his mother is dead and his father hasn’t been the same since, and he acts with tact and subtlety when dealing with the hostility between Hannah and Pearl. And I like that he’s self-deprecating and readily admits his weaknesses, such as his description of himself, and the fact that he can be cowardly: ‘Like a true hero, I look left and right and get ready to jump back into my room and slam the door if something else happens.’

My one concern is that while it is great in one sense that Mike is an every-boy teenager that many readers will be able to relate to, he’s not particularly unique as a character. He needs to be familiar to a degree, but you want more facets to him that really intrigue the reader.

There were a few characteristic traits I had issues with. Such as early on, when it says that Mike ‘double clicks super-moan mode’. This makes him sound like a robot! As does the line later on: ‘I re-boot my brain and double click ‘Bold Action’.’ And his continual references to ‘Mr Micro’ – what is this exactly? The line: ‘Mr Micro in the self-preservation part of my brain sends an email thought that gives me goose bumps’ again gives the impression that Mike isn’t completely human. Your synopsis doesn’t state whether this will be explored later on, but I think it is crucial that it is. And with the line: ‘Pearl and I exchange a mental chuckle; we’re nearly always on the same wavelength’ – I was unsure whether this was literal or metaphorical. I think this needs to be made clearer to avoid confusion. Mike clearly has heightened senses (given that he can see ghosts), so I was unsure if another of his ‘gifts’ was telepathy (your synopsis reveals that he is physic and Mike was never aware of this, which seems odd when he can exchange thoughts with others). Similarly with the line: ‘I widen my eyes and zap him a mental message to shut up!’ This needs to be explored more if it is an ability of Mike’s. Has he always been able to do this? Is he aware of this? Can all the ghost-hunters read his mental messages to him? And can they read each others’ minds? This is potentially a fascinating area of the story that wasn’t really capitalised upon and felt very overlooked.

I think the portrayal of Shafi is much stronger than Mike’s depiction. She is an intriguing character and quite enigmatic. She knows her mind and isn’t afraid to say what she thinks. At first, I wasn’t sure if she was a ghost, and why she wouldn’t/couldn’t speak to Mike. The scenes that featured Shafi were real page-turners, and I think Shafi and Mike complement each others’ characteristics.

I thought Mike’s dad and the other ghost-hunters were well-drawn characters and their interactions offer relief from Mike’s personal dramas. And your description of ‘Wonderwig’ made me laugh out loud and perfectly captured Mike’s sense of humour. From what I have read so far, the one ghost we have been introduced to was vividly rendered. I think it’s important for the ghosts in the story not to come across as pantomime villains. The name Cruelio seems to pander to this, which is something I think you should be wary about. You want him to seem real and frightening; a presence that really has a hold over the hotel and its guests.


Setting:

Your really build the spooky atmosphere of the novel. The thunderstorms, the creepy dated décor of the hotel and eerie basements are horror staples, but Mike nods to the cliché of it all. It is both tongue-in-cheek and at the same time very atmospheric. But as I said above, you don’t want this to fall into pantomime territory – don’t let the clichés engulf the other narrative elements.


Tone:

The tone is quite inviting and intimate. Mike directly addresses the reader (‘I’m Mike, by the way’), and in this way, welcomes them into his world. I liked that Mike is sceptical about the paranormal and initially tries to explain away the strange occurrences. His sarcasm informs the tone of the story, and it almost pokes fun at the idea of a ghost story, employing every genre cliché, yet still making it feel fresh and original. You balance the fun and playful with the dark and unexpected to create a novel where the reader never quite knows what to expect.


Genre/Market:

You state that the novel is aimed at 12+ year olds, and I think you really understand your readership. There is a real fascination with the supernatural at the moment, and I think this offers something a bit lighter and more humorous than a lot of books in this area.


Conclusion:

I hope my notes have been helpful to you. As I have already said, I think the material so far is in good shape, and with some polishing and developing as you go along, I’m sure you will be able to make this leap off the page. I wish you the best of luck in making that happen, and hope you continue to enjoy writing.


Best wishes

Natalie Braine

That's a great review, Denzed - extremely positive and encouraging. And well deserved too!
K