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chickin
 11 Nov 2011, 12:21 #134848 Reply To Post
I've uploaded a very short piece (too short so have added kisses.) I'm not really looking for free wills just an overall opinion on whether it makes sense. I want to use this character in a longer work.

Please be honest. I have no interest in the tt as it is just feedback on the character I'm looking for.

It shouldn't take too long to read.

Ta much.
I deleted my sig.
chickin
 11 Nov 2011, 12:46 #134851 Reply To Post
Quote: chickin, Friday, 11 Nov 2011 12:21
I've uploaded a very short piece (too short so have added kisses.) I'm not really looking for free wills just an overall opinion on whether it makes sense. I want to use this character in a longer work.

Please be honest. I have no interest in the tt as it is just feedback on the character I'm looking for.

It shouldn't take too long to read.

Ta much.


I just re-read this. Think it reads a little cheeky and presumptuous. I will try to reciprocate, obviously.
I deleted my sig.
willowtree
 11 Nov 2011, 14:24 #134861 Reply To Post
I'd be glad to read it, but how do I find it? (Still groping my way round the site!)
Sigmund Freud: "The Irish are one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no benefit whatsoever."
safiaadam
 11 Nov 2011, 14:54 #134863 Reply To Post
Quote: chickin, Friday, 11 Nov 2011 12:46
Quote: chickin, Friday, 11 Nov 2011 12:21
I've uploaded a very short piece (too short so have added kisses.) I'm not really looking for free wills just an overall opinion on whether it makes sense. I want to use this character in a longer work.

Please be honest. I have no interest in the tt as it is just feedback on the character I'm looking for.

It shouldn't take too long to read.

Ta much.


I just re-read this. Think it reads a little cheeky and presumptuous. I will try to reciprocate, obviously.


A quick read is what I just gave 'Single-minded' Chickin and I have to say it works for me. You really manage to get across the tension and the frenetic nature of this character's thinking processess. I'm guessing this may be depicting a schizophrenic disorder or just simply someone with very high degress of impulsive behaviour. Whichever way your choose to go with him, I think it will be convincing given this short intro.

Loved the image of him trying to force the 2 old biddies to get on the bus at the end. Stick with him - he has promise.

PS. I am not looking for any reciprocation - I'm here because I love reading as much as I love writing, so thank you for this short short - it was a pleasure to read.

Safia
Follow your bliss
safiaadam
 11 Nov 2011, 14:56 #134864 Reply To Post
Quote: willowtree, Friday, 11 Nov 2011 14:24
I'd be glad to read it, but how do I find it? (Still groping my way round the site!)


Hi Willowtree - just click on 'view author's books' below Chickin's avatar - the piece is called 'Single-minded'. Safia
Follow your bliss
chickin
 11 Nov 2011, 19:06 #134887 Reply To Post
Quote: safiaadam, Friday, 11 Nov 2011 14:54

A quick read is what I just gave 'Single-minded' Chickin and I have to say it works for me. You really manage to get across the tension and the frenetic nature of this character's thinking processess. I'm guessing this may be depicting a schizophrenic disorder or just simply someone with very high degress of impulsive behaviour. Whichever way your choose to go with him, I think it will be convincing given this short intro.

Loved the image of him trying to force the 2 old biddies to get on the bus at the end. Stick with him - he has promise.

PS. I am not looking for any reciprocation - I'm here because I love reading as much as I love writing, so thank you for this short short - it was a pleasure to read.

Safia



Thanks, Safia. I really appreciate your time. Yep, I want him to be unsure of who he is more than schizophrenic. Struggle with decision making and not know his own voice. Does that make sense? Though I think the schizophrenic spectrum is pretty broad.

I must google.

And Sarsen, thank you very much indeed. It's very good of you to take the time to read and comment. I appreciate it. You stumbled over the very bits I thought a reader might. Must add more. Thanks again.
I deleted my sig.
PERRY
 11 Nov 2011, 23:39 #134895 Reply To Post
Okay chickin - got one from me as well. You should publish a book of these - if you haven't already. Colons are usually used for details on (or explanations of) the previous clause. Dramatic pauses are implemented ... thus, or perhaps - yeah.
There's also a comma in there where a full stop should be. I got so caught up in the story I forgot to highlight these small points.
I don't think that it needs any more explanation. You don't want to treat the readers like idiots. Nor do you need to dally over the nakedness. I got the picture. This isn't about titillation, but an allegorical study of a misfiring mind. He's heading for electrotherapy, right?
This post was last edited by PERRY, 11 Nov 2011, 23:46
chickin
 12 Nov 2011, 10:07 #134908 Reply To Post
Quote: PERRY, Friday, 11 Nov 2011 23:39
Okay chickin - got one from me as well. You should publish a book of these - if you haven't already. Colons are usually used for details on (or explanations of) the previous clause. Dramatic pauses are implemented ... thus, or perhaps - yeah.
There's also a comma in there where a full stop should be. I got so caught up in the story I forgot to highlight these small points.
I don't think that it needs any more explanation. You don't want to treat the readers like idiots. Nor do you need to dally over the nakedness. I got the picture. This isn't about titillation, but an allegorical study of a misfiring mind. He's heading for electrotherapy, right?


Thanks, Perry. I know how 'honest' you can be in your reviews as I've happened across a couple so your opinion is very useful.

He sure needs something, doesn't he? Bless him. I'm thinking of putting him in a book I've an idea for.

Nothing wrong with kisses. I'm appreciative, that's all.

I read somewhere that we should write our characters a bit like a cartoonist sketches. Home in on the most obvious characteristic and enlarge it. This piece doesn't include age (other than he's 'adult'), appearance, not even his name only his two minds. But I know what he looks like in my head. Do you? Just wondering.

I deleted my sig.
PERRY
 12 Nov 2011, 10:18 #134909 Reply To Post
Actually yes - in a broad sense anyway. He's a bit blurry physically, but I'm short-sighted anyway. Mentally, his image is sharp. Never mind about the 'x's tease. I'm just raging I didn't think of it for my stockpile of shorter stories.
chickin
 12 Nov 2011, 10:28 #134911 Reply To Post
Quote: PERRY, Saturday, 12 Nov 2011 10:18
Actually yes - in a broad sense anyway. He's a bit blurry physically, but I'm short-sighted anyway. Mentally, his image is sharp. Never mind about the 'x's tease. I'm just raging I didn't think of it for my stockpile of shorter stories.


It's not too late to put them up. Kiss away I say. Do it now and I'll be the first to free-will them.

I am not hoping for a chart position. This site is busy and offers quick feedback compared to most 'others' which is why I put it up. Hopefully a couple of others will drop by and then I'll take it off. I just wanted to know if he made sense.

EDIT: Actually, Perry. I've just clicked through my six for the day and got one of yours. Just so you know who's hanging onto it this time. I will have it back by the end of the day.
This post was last edited by chickin, 12 Nov 2011, 10:49
I deleted my sig.
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