Chapter 1

I miss you guys.

But shhhh. I'm not meant to be on here. I made a deal with someone: My man is off World of Warcraft and I'm giving up this YouWriteOn obsession until a list of things get done around the (remarkably tidy) house.

However!

I have been granted permission to post the following for your collective amusement, courtesy of Donald McMiken.

I know Don won't mind me posting his unabridged review of my short story because he's old enough and ugly enough to stick up for himself. He made the executive decision, at some point, not only to attach his real name to whatever he posts online, but also to attach his mugshot to each of his excerpts. Not the mark of a shy, retiring type.



“Jeez, I don't know. The reader has to care about characters for a story to make any impact. Maybe you should cut out the headlong rush to do a short flash every week and take the trouble to write a 20 k word story to get the hang of it. The slice of life shit works only when you have an exotic or erotic life to slice. Otherwise, shit who cares. And I certainly don't about these characters. I don't even care that the premise is unbelievable. Get a grip man, get a life: write a decent story about real people not abstracts of the raddled mind.”



Before you ask: I did. Several times, over several weeks. But this site isn't working properly at the moment, what with all the changes, and I can only assume Ted received none of my requests for its removal. Either that or the cake I sent him grounded his sparrows. Don got the credit, as far as I know.

I'm not sure what qualifies for a removal. I have a pretty good idea myself. Basically, a shithouse review offers the following:

1. Advice to write in a different genre.
2. Advice to write a different length.
3. Advice on how often and how much to write.
4. General advice on how to live a meaningful life.

Anyway Donald, I have no problem with honest reviews. I think honest reviews are the most useful. The trouble is, yours was far less than honest.

You see, I was expecting a string of ones after that little diatribe. Interestingly enough, you're no stranger to YWO and have appeared at the top on occasion. You understand the idiosyncrasies of the standard deviation. You know that, like all of us regulars to the message board, in order to pull someone off the top ten, you dish out seven threes and a two for good measure.

That's why I don't think much of the YWO changes. What's the good of learning our lowest score? We need to know the middling ones if we care about such things. Someone else dished me up straight ones, which propelled me straight into the top ten. (Kudos to me for so successfully polarising my readers.)

I know nothing about mathematics and standard deviation (pah!) but the commonest of commonsense tells me that as long as the scores can be manipulated like this, when three is the new one, the SD formula is next to useless.

For those of you still whingeing about low marks, to quote the high and mighty, 'shit who cares'. Be here for the reviews, people! But know that there are sharks swimming amongst us. Know when a reviewer is telling you more about himself than about your work. Discard the useless. Keep what you know is true. Rah rah rah!



Chapter 2

Dr McMiken lives around the fucking corner. He doesn't know that. Yet. Will I see you at the Christmas Party, Don? December 17th?

I, being of a younger generation, have long since learnt when and when not to use my real name online. You, on the other hand, think it's safe to sit on your short ass hacking away to some anonymous person on the other side of the world, only to find out later, perhaps on December 17, that in fact you've dealt a wankery review to someone who lives round the corner from yourself.

Small world, isn't it, given that we both live in Australia. You'll know as well as I do, Don, that in this town, the degree of separation is approximately zero point five. The writing world is even smaller.

Have you worked out who I am yet? Have you? No clues, sorry. I even ripped down my avatar quick smart. Maybe I'll put it back up. Later. Much later.

So I'd like to offer a little life advice of my own: If you're going to be an online troll, do it under a pseudonym. As I've said before, you're never as anonymous as you think. Even when you live ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD.


Watch your back, Donald. Fancy feta may find itself ground into your merino sweater. You may well gallop out of the Arts Centre with a cracker up your clacker. Cool climate wine may find itself accidentally-on-purpose seeping into your trousers.


p.s. The story in question was accepted for local publication. I had to pull it down. It will appear under my real name. Obviously, I've been sobbing into my pillow.


p.p.s As they say in Ozzie dialect: thank you, but! I'm off to get a life. Do you know a good local discount store, Donald?

I told you about mug shots, didn't I? Didn't I tell you? I told you. And you wondered why my avatar is a giant ant on the Moon! No one will recognise me from that will they!

It's just struck me Ant, your giant ant is palpating the moon in order to milk it under the inmpression it is a giant aphid... "A,B&E", "Not In My Name" and "52FF" (flash fiction anthology) all available on Amazon Kindle

"How a psychopath makes sweet love. I can get you ringside. Royal box even."

Well, I am milking the Moon; hoping to sell millions of copies because its in my story.

Nice to see you dropping in LLL. Hope you're enjoying the summer. It's freezing cold here today. You have to report back with happenings of the party in December. Sounds like it might be fun! Get a story out of it, at least. Three Steps to Heaven
'Til I Kissed You
Always On My Mind
A rock'n'roll romance series by Pam Howes all available on Amazon in paperback and e-Books.
Visit my website for details.
Fast Movin' Train - A stand alone love story.
Amazon links on:
website

"And, in the end, the love you take / Is equal to the love you make." Lennon and McCartney 1969