Dear Yael


Congratulations on being selected for a professional critique by your writing peers. I really enjoyed reading your sample pages of OLIVIA and was impressed by the confidence and clarity of your writing. While I don’t think the material so far needs a great deal of reworking as it is already in excellent shape, what I hope these editorial notes will provide you with are some useful pointers as to how you can hone and develop the existing chapters, and what to pay attention to as the novel progresses.


Structure:

It is clear from your synopsis that the novel will take the structure of a time-slip narrative, and that each strand will hold equal narrative weight. Your synopsis suggests that the story will you broken into four parts, with Olivia’s story being the focus of part one, Charlene’s story being the focus of part two, Olivia’s story again for part three, and finally Charlene’s for the fourth and final part. While there is no hard and fast rule as to how you should structure a novel, I would approach this style of structure with caution. With a time-slip narrative, it is important to find the right balance between giving the reader enough time to immerse themselves in one strand, and not allowing them to become so immersed that when the narrative shifts strands, it feels jarring and unsettling. And I think with the narrative only split into four parts, there is a real risk of this. Coupled with that, you want to convey early on that both strands are inextricably linked, and you want to establish parallels and echoes between both, and this will be difficult in only four sections.

While I am in no way saying that your approach is the wrong approach, it may be worth considering interweaving the strands more finely. This will make it feel more cohesive and unified, rather than two very separate stories. But equally, you don’t want to veer too much towards the extreme where the reader is pulled too abruptly from one strand to the next. It needs to feel seamless and flowing. A lot of time-slip narratives follow the pattern of roughly a three chapter sequence: ie. approximately three chapters on Olivia’s story, approximately three chapters on Charlene’s story, and so on. Another narrative device is the use of a prologue, which instantly juxtaposes the two stories. The prologue will hook and engage the reader, but is usually quite ambiguous and enigmatic, prompting the reader to question the link between this story and the succeeding one.

In just these early pages alone you have already started introducing flashbacks in Olivia’s strand, and this will add texture and nuance to the narrative, and give more depth to the structure of the story.


Plot:

Olivia’s story has great dramatic potential: a single lady, setting out into unknown territory to build a new life for herself with the help of a black farmhand, willing to face all forms of adversity in search of her dreams. The synopsis hints at: family drama, romance, tragedy and crimes of passion. And one plot undercurrent is clearly the issue of racial prejudice and of slavery. This is something that affects Olivia almost as much as it does Mourning Free, due to her actions.

Given that Charlene is delving into the past and her family history, it is important that you don’t allow Olivia’s story to overshadow that of Charlene’s. While the two strands are of course inextricably linked, Charlene’s strand ultimately has to feel like a complete story by itself. Too many time-slip narratives lean so heavily on one another, that if one plot were taken away, the other would crumple and disintegrate. From the synopsis, it is clear that Olivia’s story can stand alone in its entirety, and so Charlene’s should feel equally fully-formed and individual.

While Charlene’s search into the past is what links the two stories, this element, while key to the story, shouldn’t dominate Charlene’s narrative. There is always the risk that too much of the plot and main body of the story might feel reported and second-hand. Even though the past has obviously already been and gone, it is important that Charlene’s exploration into her family history still feels dramatic. There has to be a urgency and real narrative drive. Perhaps revelations could be made in the present day strand that are never revealed in the historical strand, to not only enmesh the two narratives together, but to also make Charlene’s story even more compelling.

The sub-plot involving Switch will bring this strand into focus, and make the connection between both strands all the more significant. It is hard to judge from the synopsis alone whether there will be any other sub-plots. There is clearly going to be friction between Charlene and her husband Reeves over what is uncovered, and there is much dramatic and emotional potential in this facet of the story.


Characterisation:

I think characterisation is your strongest forte. I instantly warmed to Olivia. She’s thoughtful and caring but also feisty and adventurous. She had me rooting for her from page one. You quickly and succinctly get to the heart of a character, and this is the sign of a gifted storyteller. In just a few pages, I felt familiar with the Killion family, but yet you introduce enough surprises to keep the reader guessing and ensure they never get too comfortable or complacent.

I absolutely loved the childhood flashbacks between Olivia and Mourning Free. They were some really touching, as well as funny, exchanges. Not only do these provide greater insight into their characters, it also gives their relationship added weight and significance. I really felt for little orphaned Mourning but admired his streak of independence and lack of self-pity. I thought the scene where the whole town comes together to discuss Mourning’s fate, with Olivia and Mourning secretly eavesdropping, was wonderful! It not only brings the community to vivid life, it also astutely depicts the beliefs and prejudices that governed these people.

Obviously it is hard for me to glean from the synopsis alone what type of character Charlene really is, but as a protagonist, her narrative presence has to be just as strong as Olivia’s. The reader has to feel compelled to follow Charlene’s story as much as they do Olivia’s.


Setting:

Your setting is very much a backdrop to your story, as it should be, but you let it seep into the narrative in a way that the reader quickly gains a sense of where the story is set, but it never feels like they are being told.

Because Pennsylvania in the 1840s is rendered so vividly, you have to ensure that the present day strand doesn’t pale in comparison. Obviously the historical setting will seem foreign and unfamiliar, but the setting of Charlene’s story, whilst inevitably familiar, should still feel tangible and even atmospheric.


Tone:

As I often say in my critiques, tone is one of the hardest elements of a story to master, and also one of the most important. From the few pages I have read, I think you have struck the tone just right. While events such as death, female siblings being left out of wills, orphans and social prejudice could easily lend the narrative a dark and almost bitter tone, you express these happenings with a lightness of touch that the reader never feels dispirited. There are poignant moments and funny instances, and things will clearly take a darker turn as Olivia’s story progresses. And it is this ever-shifting of light and dark that will really bring your story to life.


Genre/Market:

Your synopsis states this is historical literary fiction, and you clearly know your audience. This is likely to have a predominantly female readership, but I think could appeal to quite a large age bracket.


Conclusion:

I hope my notes have been helpful to you. As I have already said, I think the material so far is in really excellent shape, and with some polishing and developing as you go along, I have no doubt you can really make this leap off the page. I wish you the best of luck in making that happen, and hope you continue to enjoy writing.


Best wishes

Natalie Braine