Gravelight by Andrew Thorn


Dear Andrew

Congratulations on being selected for a professional critique by your writing peers at YouWriteOn. I really enjoyed reading your sample pages of GRAVELIGHT and was impressed by your imaginative storytelling and the confidence of your writing. While I don’t think the material so far needs a great deal of reworking as it is already in good shape, what I hope these editorial notes will provide you with is some useful pointers as to how you can hone and develop the existing chapters, and what to pay attention to as the novel progresses.

Structure:

I want to commend you on your structure, which I thought was solid and well thought through. As your synopsis indicates, your narrative is split into five parts and each part seems to chart Robert’s physical and emotional journey. From the initial pages I have read and from your synopsis, it seems that you have dedicated a lot of time to the planning of your narrative structure. You have a clear story arc and there is a real sense of urgency in the fact that Robert is desperate to get home, so this should give your story a definite narrative drive. Structure also has a knock-on effect on the pace of a book; if your book is well-structured, there is less chance for superfluous material and tangential asides to creep in, which will ensure that the direction remains focused and the narrative is pacy. Having said that, it seems that the narrative is comprised of only one storyline with no real sub-plots. Given that you state that you are writing for a young teenage readership, I think you can afford for your structure to be more multi-faceted and sophisticated. Sub-plots not only add depth and texture to your narrative, it also can provide relief from the main narrative thread, whether it be comic or dramatic or even romantic. It can also give your story wider scope and more interest. One or two sub-plots might be something you want to consider introducing into your narrative.

You maintain the sense of pace by keeping your chapters short and to the point. Shorter chapters give the sense of a real page-turner – especially if the chapters end on a cliff-hanger or intriguing break. I liked the short, snappy ending of Chapter 1: ‘Then I got it’. It immediately draws the reader in and makes them want to read on to the next chapter to find out what finally makes Robert realise he is dead. I also liked your chapter headings. They both encapsulated what the chapter was about, and were often quite playful, such as in the case of ‘Oliver, Twisted’. I wasn’t so convinced by the headings of your numbered parts. In particular, the last one: ‘Accepted Home’. This is perhaps a little too obvious; you want the reader to come to their own conclusion, not be blatantly confronted with what the overriding message of the ending is.

Plot:

Your plot is full of wonderful details and, thanks to your structure, has a real narrative drive. The premise is quite simple, but is rich in potential. After all, everyone has their own idea of what the afterlife might be like. It is an area of eternal intrigue, and one that fascinates people of all ages. Your vision of the Downside is brilliantly inventive, yet you never let your imagination run away with you. You keep your ideas in check and, in that way, your portrayal seems all the more real. The opening scene was fantastic. You drop the reader right into the action, rather than gradually introducing them to your narrative and the characters, and this immerses them from the get-go. It is these early scenes that will really affect the reader as, like Robert, everything is new to them. I thought the scene where the piano is being winched up and then drops on the man was great, as the reader – and Robert – don’t know what will happen.

It’s hard to tell from your synopsis alone whether these questions will be answered later on in your story, but there were certain elements that didn’t quite make sense. For example, why do people still go to work in the Downside? And do they do the same profession that they did when they were alive? Do you have to earn money to buy a house? Does everyone go to the Downside or is there a ‘Hell’? It is small details like this that will really bring your narrative to life, and if they are left unanswered, they might niggle at the reader. Also, another incident that confused me was when Frankie and Robert are watching the two parents and their young boy, and the mother starts crying. It wasn’t really made clear why she was crying. Was there another child that had been left on the Upside? Or is she merely crying for the fact that her son will never grow old? But then neither will they? This scene lost its emotional impact for me as its inclusion felt a little vague and misplaced.

Characterisation:

After Robert, Frankie will be the character that the readers will align to the most, given that she is the first person Robert (and the reader) meets in this strange world and, as your synopsis indicates, she will be beside Robert throughout the rest of the narrative. Given that Robert is instantly recognisable – an average teenager who most readers can identify with – I thought it was a good decision that his main ‘sidekick’ should be a little bit quirky and unusual! Frankie is a wonderfully realised character; she really leaps off the page. You brilliantly capture her character and inflections in her dialogue. She is the perfect counterpart to Robert as she is the opposite of him in so many ways, yet their personalities complement each other. I loved how Robert is polite and thoughtful, whereas Frankie is rebellious and speaks her own mind. She’ll sleep in the boys’ dorm if she wants to, and call Robert ‘Bobby’ if she chooses!

Miss Pastern was another wonderful creation. Robert doesn’t quite know what to make of her initially. She seems stern and forthright, but it quickly becomes evident that she has a big heart and cares deeply for her charges. Your synopsis doesn’t make clear whether she will have much of a narrative presence as the story goes on, as obviously the children journey away from the orphanage, but so memorable is her early appearance that I’m sure her presence will still be felt later on as the story progresses.

Joe is also an intriguing character. Having been in the Downside since Georgian times, he can offer a different insight into it than Frankie or Robert. He is the voice of reason, yet is still playful and good humoured. He seems like a trustworthy companion for Robert and will act as an anchor to Robert and Frankie’s impulsiveness and desperation.



Setting:

This is an important element of your narrative seeing as it is such an unfamiliar and alien landscape but has to seem real and tangible to the reader. You want to highlight its strangeness and otherness but also make it seem believable. Your world that you have created is fantastical and surreal yet never implausible. I loved the description of the wobbling tall tower and the idea of The Wilds!

The descriptions of the interior settings are just as vivid. The scene where Robert first sets eyes on the dormitory is wonderful; you really get a sense of its vastness, and you also make the scene quite comical given that Miss Pastern is too tall for the room. You bring in some wonderful period and historical details, such as Frankie’s memories of her war-time childhood and death in the Blitz, and Joe growing up in Georgian times. I hope more references like this will be interwoven throughout. One small question though – if the Downside looks like the Upside in many ways, surely Joe’s version of the Downside should be different to Robert’s perception of it? The architecture would be different, the dress, the food etc. This is something that you need to bear in mind.

I loved the idea that the Downside is also peopled by those from pre-historic times. This is an opportunity to be wildly imaginative, yet also educate the reader a little bit (I liked the mention of Darwin!).

Tone:

The opening is quite eerie in tone. You align the reader quickly with Robert, so that they feel as confused and overwhelmed as he does. While the subject matter is quite dark, you never allow the tone to become too sombre or melancholic. There is a real energy to your writing, and you clearly know how to balance the light with the dark, and much of this comes from the differing personalities of your characters and the wonderful dynamic between them. Robert is the emotional anchor, while Frankie offers some much needed comic relief, and Joe brings them both back to reality when they get carried away!

Genre/Market:

You state that this is teenage fiction, and the fact that Robert is thirteen means his readership will be of a comparative age (given that young readers often like reading about characters of a similar age to them). While your story contains quite a lot of grown-up material (death, suicide, orphans, the occult) I did feel that the writing wasn’t perhaps sophisticated enough to accommodate such complicated issues for a teenage reader. To me this seemed like it was pitched more at 10-11 year old readers, and if this is the case, you might want to make Robert a couple of years younger, so the reader can identify with him more closely. Knowing your readership is particularly crucial for novels aimed at children/teenagers. It might be a good idea to ask any young readers you know to read a chapter of so of GRAVELIGHT and ask for their feedback.


Conclusion:

I hope my notes have been helpful to you. As I have already said, I think the material so far is in good shape, and with some polishing and developing as you go along, I’m sure you will be able to make this really leap off the page. I wish you the best of luck in making that happen, and hope you continue to enjoy writing.

Best wishes

Natalie Braine

Thank you Ted, and please pass on my thanks to Natalie for her encouraging and insightful review.

Lee The Tower of Clavius Boon

Many thanks for your stories and for your feedback, which I will pass on to Natalie.

Ted