PsiCo by David Wardale

Dear David

Congratulations on being selected for a professional critique by your writing peers at YouWriteOn. I really enjoyed reading your sample pages of PsiCo and was impressed by the confidence and imagination of your writing. While I don’t think the material so far needs a great deal of reworking as it is already in good shape, what I hope these editorial notes will provide you with is some useful pointers as to how you can hone and develop the existing chapters, and what to pay attention to as the novel progresses.

Structure:

I thought the structure was solid and well-thought out. It’s clear that there are two storylines: the main one, involving Danny, and rippling underneath, the strand involving the unnamed scientist from the prologue. And this too is tied in with the strand involving the unnamed American. This storyline has an ominous air to it and the reader senses Danny’s vulnerability. Again, this strand hints at a much larger story that will inevitably have repercussions for Danny, who will be unwittingly drawn into it. This in itself drives the narrative forward as the reader rushes to discover how these seemingly disparate strands will intersect.

I thought the alternate perspective, shown from that of the CCTV guard, worked extremely well, providing another angle to Danny’s portrayal, as well as revealing the dark forces at large that can wipe a grown man’s memory. The flipping between POVs in this scene also helps build a sense of suspense and urgency. Again, your repetition of the written warning TELL NO-ONE effectively builds a sense of paranoia and the reader, like Danny, doesn’t know who can be trusted.
I liked the use of quotes that precede chapters, which seem to be a mix of actual and fictional quotations. They place the story in context, hinting at the wider significance that hangs over the story of just one teenage boy.

A minor point, but I found the switch in tenses a little jarring. The strand involving the American is written in the present tense, which is followed by Danny’s scene, written in the past tense. I think this only struck me as the rest of these early pages were written in the past tense, so I wondered why you had decided to use a different tense for the American when you hadn’t for Dulux or the scientist?

Plot:

What a fantastic opening! The prologue gave me goosebumps when I read it, and it instantly hooks the reader from the very first line. While a lot of novels on this site have extremely promising opening chapters, the succeeding pages can sometimes disappoint after such an ambitious start. It’s clear you know the importance of maintaining the reader’s interest and engagement, rather than falling into the pitfalls of setting the scene and gradually introducing the characters. Instead, you drop the reader right into the middle of the action, and the novel is all the more thrilling for it. And after such a strong prologue, the reader wants to know how just that will tie in to Danny’s story, not for the plot to stall so the scene can be set. The build-up to the fight scene is extremely effective. The reader is aware that something is going to happen, but can’t yet anticipate what. You skilfully draw them into the story, keeping them guessing and racing through the pages.

Your synopsis makes clear that as the novel progresses, the plot becomes even more high-concept. It seems that there will be many twists and turns to keep the reader guessing, and some big climactic moments played out on a grand scale. It is important that however outlandish events become, they need to be realistic enough for the reader to be able to suspend disbelief and to remain engaged with the story and its characters.

Again, this is only commenting on the synopsis alone: Danny’s relationship with Roop, who seems the opposite of him in so many ways, also offers the potential for some dramatic relief in the form of some much-needed humour. But ensure that the humour isn’t obvious, otherwise the comedy will appear misplaced. It will be interesting to see their relationship develop, as your synopsis indicates that initially they are rivals, but will become closer as their missions become riskier. Also from the synopsis, it’s clear that there will be a romantic sub-plot involving Emma and I think that this could not only provide more interest and texture to the story, it will also act as a dramatic relief from the main events of the story.

A small query, but it isn’t really explained what PsiCo stands for (other than being a play on the word ‘psycho’). I think this needs to be mentioned in the synopsis if it is of significance.

Characterisation:

Danny is a fantastic protagonist – familiar yet intriguing, strong yet provokes the reader’s empathy. In these early pages, your depiction of him is compelling, but your portrayal is enigmatic enough that the reader is keen to find out more about why Danny is the way he is, and what this means for his future. Often in fast-paced thrillers, characterisation becomes secondary to a high-concept plot and the writer’s urge to keep the pages turning. But if the reader isn’t emotionally anchored to the story and engaged with the characters, no matter how tense the story, it won’t have the same impact as one that the reader is emotionally invested in. You make the reader care about Danny, and as much as they want to discover what is going on, they want to do so by Danny’s side.

Even the subsidiary characters, such as the CCTV guard, are given a real narrative presence and the reader is afforded an insight into them as fully-rounded, believable characters. In just a few paragraphs, you have conveyed how Dulux is a person who’s not respected: not by his colleagues, by his peers, or even by his mother. It is small details like this that really bring characters to life on the page and make the story all the more vivid. I’m sure that this won’t happen, but it’s important to ensure that Emma and Roop don’t just seem like sidekicks to Danny, but significant characters in their own right. Having other engaging characters opens up the narrative and ensures it doesn’t become too one-dimensional.

Your physical description of characters is also great. The reader can instantly visualise what the man with the lopsided face looks like from your evocative description. Another strength of the narrative is that you keep the dialogue fast-flowing, snappy and to the point, and know that less is often more when it comes to verbal exchanges between characters.

You really highlight Danny’s sense of isolation and how difficult this must have been for him growing up. The brief anecdote about his friend Jasmine was both revealing and touching. I also liked the revelation that the footage of the baby who could move objects in the air was Danny himself. And that his parents had always been aware of his abilities, which Danny never knew about. I think it’s important to have these childhood anecdotes and flashbacks, as it gives a more rounded sense of who Danny is as a character.

Setting:
Your descriptive prose is kept to a minimum but concisely describes the setting. I liked the idea of this secret government organisation existing in the depths of London’s many disused underground spaces. This is a world that has no natural daylight, no sense of what is going on in the outside world. It is a place that could feel increasingly claustrophobic and suffocating, and this is definitely something to feed off of in your writing, and explore how such a setting affects the characters.

Tone:
While the opening could have been quite bleak and dark given that it’s about a man waiting to die, you sidestep what could become a sombre mood and opt for an atmosphere of suspense and intrigue. And again with Danny’s storyline, any darkness is offset by an air of mystery that keeps the reader turning the pages. As with any genre, it is important that there is the relief, whether it be in the form of sub-plots, comic relief, romantic developments. And such inclusions will also add more texture and depth to your narrative and ensure that the reader never tires of the dominant storyline.

Genre/Market:
You state that this novels falls under the category of action, adventure and thriller, and is fiction aimed at both children and teenagers. I cannot emphasise how refreshing it is to read a children’s/young adult book that doesn’t talk down to its readership. As most people know, children like to read above what’s targeted at their age and identify with characters their age or older, and you have delivered a novel that straddles what can be a wide division between children’s and teenage fiction; I think this is a novel that would appeal to quite a broad age range. It is clear you understand your demographic and have produced a novel that will engage, excite and entertain them. Congratulations.

Conclusion:
I hope my notes have been helpful to you. As I have already said, I think the material so far is in good shape, and with some polishing and developing as you go along, I’m sure you will be able to make this really leap off the page. I wish you the best of luck in making that happen, and hope you continue to enjoy writing.

Best wishes
Natalie Braine

Goyles by J W Hicks

Dear J W Hicks

Congratulations on being selected for a professional critique by your writing peers at YouWriteOn. I really enjoyed reading your sample pages of GOYLES and was impressed by the confidence and imagination of your writing. While I don’t think the material so far needs a huge amount of reworking as it is already in fairly good shape, what I hope these editorial notes will provide you with is some useful pointers as to how you can hone and develop the existing chapters, and what to pay attention to as the novel progresses.

Structure:

Overall I thought that the structure was fairly sound, but could benefit from some reworking. I found some of the chapter breaks quite odd, such as the break between chapter three and four. It is still the same continuous scene, and the last chapter didn’t end on a note of drama or on a cliffhanger, so I was unsure why you decided to end the chapter here? If you pull a reader out mid-scene at an odd juncture, it disrupts the flow of the narrative and disengages the reader from your story. Similarly with the jump from chapter four to chapter five, this didn’t seem like an obvious choice to end a chapter. And the last line: ‘Then he realised they were in the giant supervisor’s hands, it all came crashing back’ – what came crashing back? This isn’t explained in the next chapter.
Similarly with the scene where Matt is telling Jo about his dad and his beliefs, she interrupts him mid-flow to tell him to put some salve on his hand, followed by the words: ‘Hand salved, Matt resumed’. This interruption seemed pointless and irrelevant, and again only pulls the reader out of the narrative. I would suggest cutting.

The following are all minor points, but I just wanted to highlight some sentences and examples that might need revision, as at times the writing can feel quite disjointed and staccato. Such as the sentence: ‘Soon as he woke...’ This doesn’t read like a full sentence, but an abbreviated one; grammatically, it should read: ‘As soon as he woke...’ Also later on: ‘A stint in the kitchen was the top fave drudge duty’. And ‘Wasn’t till he was well into pick heaving’ should really be: ‘It wasn’t until he was...’ Similarly with ‘the scream filled his head – same scream that filled his dreams’. It is writing like this that makes the novel feel rushed and unpolished. I think it’s fine to abbreviate and colloquialise in speech, but not so much in prose. Ensure that your writing doesn’t appear lazy just because you are writing for a younger readership.
There were also some confusing sentences, such as: ‘Hamer, like his dad’ – is this referring to Hamer’s dad or Matt’s dad? And the sentence: ‘Ooo, getting dark, Peter mewed’ – who is Peter? It doesn’t seem like he is mentioned again. And with the sentence: ‘Matt wished she’d shut up. Her scribble scraped his nerves’ – Jo is talking though; this makes it sound like she is doodling on paper. And finally: ‘The more he tried for confidence, the less he caught’ – can you ‘catch’ confidence?


Plot:

The opening paragraph is atmospheric, dark and intriguing, and instantly hooks the reader and compels them to read on. I liked how you drip-fed information to the reader about the goyles and why Matt and the others are in this predicament; just enough information to sate their curiousity, but enigmatic enough that they want to find out more.

Yet despite these opening pages’ many strengths in terms of plot, they weren’t without their flaws. While you want to set the scene, introduce the characters and give the reader a bit of background, you have to pull them into the story and keep them hooked. I felt that these opening pages were full of insignificant detail that didn’t enhance the characterisation particularly or propel the narrative forwards. I think the writing needs to be pacier and snappier. The plot feels very linear, following Matt’s day, hour-by-hour, rather than following an over-arching story that should be wider in scope. It felt very episodic and bitty in places, and needs a stronger focus and direction. Inevitably, given the setting, these opening pages felt incredibly insular and claustrophobic. I think the plot will race along more quickly once Matt and Jo (and Finn) are out in the open world and there is a clear story arc: reaching Cambridge, rescuing Matt’s dad and finding the solution to the goyles.

Characterisation:

Matt Stark is an interesting character, yet he is a little hard to warm to. Understandably given his personal situation of his mother having been killed by goyles and his father going awol, Matt is quite bitter and resentful. But it’s important to ensure that the reader is still able to empathise and relate to Matt. He felt quite distant for a protagonist; you never quite get under his skin as a character. I worried that he wasn’t a strong enough figure to carry the narrative through to the end, and I think you need to work on his characterisation more when you come to do your re-writes. He needs to be more engaging, more distinctive and more intriguing. At present, in these early chapters, he comes across as just an angry teenage boy, and it’s hard to get a sense of him as an individual.

The interactions and dialogue between the other cadets was wonderfully depicted. Lewin is a fearsome character who really leaps off the page. And Moran is a fantastic figure – fierce yet his humanity shines through when it needs to. His put-downs to Lewin were incredibly entertaining! However, Matt’s verbal expressions didn’t seem quite so natural. There were some instances that jarred for me as a reader, such as Matt’s use of ‘jeeps’ and ‘criminy’ as exclamations. This isn’t something that a teenager today would say, and sounds rather tame and old-fashioned. And why didn’t Matt
understand the use of the words ‘gyppo’ and ‘pikey’ directed at Jo when she had already told him she was a traveller? Are these words that he has never come across before? As a teenager, how is it possible that he’s never heard of a ‘traveller’? This implies that he’s either lived a very sheltered existence up until now, or isn’t incredibly bright.

While I liked the relationship between Matt and Jo, it did seem a little rushed: they are telling each other their most private thoughts when they’ve barely known each other for more than a couple of hours. You need to see their relationship developing and blossoming, otherwise it will feel unnatural. At times, it felt like Jo was just a plot convenience: a means for Matt to voice his thoughts out loud. Matt really dominates these early scenes with both of them, and I think you need to work on giving Jo a stronger narrative presence. Also, these scenes are extremely dialogue-heavy, and the focus seems to be filling in background, rather than furthering plot. There is a lot of repetition where Matt reiterates what has already been mentioned earlier on, such as his dad, uncle and Jimmy Dyer going to Cambridge. Keep dialogue to the point, otherwise it will feel directionless and meandering if you are going over already-covered ground.
Following on from my comments on unnecessary moments of repetition, there were also quite a few instances of the characters stating the obvious, such as when Moran calls Matt and Jo, Jo replies: ‘Moran wants us’ for Matt to reply ‘What do you think he wants us for’ with Jo’s response being ‘Only one way to find out’. This whole section adds nothing to the narrative, and only serves to stall the plot further. You need to streamline certain passages, so that the stronger elements really shine through.

One final, minor point: you tend to switch between calling the characters by their first and last name: Lewin is referred to as both Lewin and Jonty in both dialogue and prose. I think it’s better to opt for just one moniker so that readers don’t become confused.

Setting:
You really bring the tunnel to life and it’s easy to visualise its gloomy dankness and its claustrophobic intensity. Once Matt and Jo escape, the story will no doubt open up and offer the opportunity to depict a world that has changed drastically from Matt’s last memories of it. The setting and its description has got to be atmospheric and evocative to really transport the reader to this unfamiliar landscape.

Just a small quibble: I found some of your descriptive prose a little odd. Such as: ‘boots were crashing the stone floor of the tunnel’ – this makes it sound like the stone floor is caving in!

Tone:

Given that this is a novel that is set in an apocalyptic world, the tone will inevitably be quite dark. But it is crucial to ensure that it isn’t unremittingly so, and that there are still flashes of light interwoven in, whether this be through comic relief, sub-plots, or a romantic development.

Genre/Market:
You state that this is both science fiction and teenage fiction. However, I felt that this could be classed more as an apocalyptic thriller than science fiction in the strictest sense. And I did feel that this was likely to appeal to 10-13-year-olds, rather than a teenage readership. With children’s/YA fiction more than any other market, it is extremely important that you know and understand the readership that you are aiming at. If this is misplaced, you risk not appealing to any age group.

Conclusion:
I hope that these notes have been helpful to you. As I have already said, I think the material so far is in good shape, and with some polishing and developing as you go along, I’m sure you will be able to make this really leap off the page. I wish you the best of luck in making that happen, and hope you continue to enjoy writing.

Best wishes
Natalie Braine

Natalie, thank you so much for that detailed crit of Goyles. I found it extremely helpful as I am mid rewrite. I will keep your points in mind as I battle through. Cheers from Jane. Miaow.

Thanks for the feedback, which I will pass on to Natalie. These are the reviews for April 1 stories, the May 1 stories will feature next month. It usually takes 4 to 6 weeks for all the reviews to be completed by the Editors.

Ted - could you pass on my wholehearted thanks to Natalie for such a positive review of PsiCo? She seemed to like what she read and her comments have inspired me to send it out to a few agents.
Thanks,

David I am entirely unsure about this signature mularkey