New Orion Critiques - March

Orion are the publisher of some of the world’s bestselling authors, such as Ian Rankin, Each month on YouWriteOn editors from Orion provide feedback for highly rated YouWriteOn Top Ten writers. Thank you to everyone for their story’s.

Click here to view the story extract links for the stories reviewed below which are listed under February for 2010




The Tower of Clavius Boon by Lee Williams

Dear Lee

Congratulations on being selected for a professional critique by your writing peers at YouWriteOn. I enjoyed reading your sample pages of THE TOWER OF CLAVIUS BOON and was impressed by the confidence of your writing. While I don’t think the material so far needs a massive amount of reworking as it is already in fairly good shape, what I hope these editorial notes will provide you with is some useful pointers as to how you can hone and develop the existing chapters, and what to pay attention to as the novel progresses.

Structure:

It’s hard to comment on the structure of a novel like this as opposed to a traditionally linear novel, as it’s episodic by nature. I know that you mentioned on the website that other reviewers noted that some of the sections seemed very short but you were unwilling to increase their length. While I understand that you want each scene to be short and snappy, to me the sections often felt very repetitive and the break between sections seemed almost unnatural. In these early pages, the various plotlines don’t deviate that much from the main narrative thread. The reader is offered three options which aren’t that different; therefore each strand feels quite similar to another. I’m sure that each plotline will devolve into greater tangents as the story progresses, but you may want to reconsider the early scenes as not only do they feel very truncated, they also didn’t seem distinct or dissimilar enough. The whole point of a novel like this is for the reader to be able to go back to the beginning once they’ve finished and read an entirely different story, whereas I think you risk the opening feeling very repetitive as it currently stands.
The sequencing seems to be out of order in some areas. For example, there is some confusion between section 13 and 14 as, if the reader picks option B from section 13, they are taken to section 14, which instructs them to ‘Turn to 13’ at the end of this section – which would mean they were re-reading what they had just read. I presume this is an error? Again, in section 27, choice A informs the reader to ‘go to 18’ and Section 30 sends the reader back to 18, 19 or 20, so it feels as if the reader is looping back on themselves, rather than progressing through the narrative. Following one narrative strand, I did find that I re-read the same section. It is crucial that you get the sequencing and order right, otherwise the reader will be going back on themselves.

I did feel that some sections were divided unnecessarily. For example, the second batch of multiple choices all eventually lead to section 12. And section 12 led straight into section 13. Section 15 also leads straight into section 16 with no multiple choices for the reader; similarly, section 31 leads into 32, which leads into 33 and finally into 34. I was unsure why section breaks were needed here, rather than allowing them to run-on into one longer section? Surely the moments where you want a break could just be structured as time breaks? Whilst you want the novel to feel short, snappy and pacy, if there are unnecessary breaks that tell the reader to move on to the next section, you risk pulling the reader out of the narrative flow and disrupting their reading experience. I think a mixture of longer and shorter sections would give the narrative more variation and texture, and might be something worth considering when you come to re-writing the novel.

I liked the questions leading between sections, such as ‘What now, warrior?’; this not only draws the reader in and makes them feel like they are integral to the story, it also feels as if there is an invisible narrator informing them of their choices and prompting them into action.

Plot:

Again, it’s difficult to comment upon the plot from these early pages alone, as the plot is repeated in each section. Even reading the novel by following a different narrative strand, some bits felt slightly repetitive. For example, with the choices from the very first section, they all seemed too similar to warrant a break at this juncture. The only difference was how the character reacts and what direction he throws himself in. Yet each subsequent section is almost identical. When the reader goes back to the beginning to read a ‘new’ narrative, the beginning is going to feel very repetitive to them. These early sections all lead on to section 5, rather than branching off into more narrative strands. Again, the reader will only be re-reading sections they have already read, and may be tempted to skim these sections. I understand that this is the ‘prologue’ in essence, but each section and narrative path has got to be distinct enough that on re-reading it feels fresh to the reader.

Some sections are only a matter of two or three sentences. By interrupting the narrative flow so frequently to make the reader choose his next move, you risk pulling them out of the story. You need to find the balance between immersing them in your world but also letting them feel as if they are steering the direction of the narrative. I also think that some of the prose would benefit from being more concise and succinct. For example, the line: ’It hits Kelea the serving wench between the eyes, right between her beautiful blue eyes’ felt unnecessarily drawn out. If the narrative feels more streamlined, it will flow better and will seem pacier.

It is hard to judge how the plot will progress after these early pages from the synopsis alone. The two main different directions and settings – through the forest and through the mountains – sound like they will be very different in nature, which is crucial for a novel like this. I also like the idea of the protagonist being able to gain use of various items to help him on his journey. Your synopsis hints that there will be various subplots, such as a romantic storyline. Such diversions will provide relief from the main storyline and again give the narrative more variety, colour and texture.
There is a clear narrative arc, given that the protagonist has a distinct destination and goal, it’s just his journey there that is unpredictable and uncertain to the reader, and it is this that will want them to carry on reading – and re-reading!

Characterisation:
While the main character is an entertaining protagonist, I think at times he comes across as immature and even idiotic, and I think this might begin to grate on the reader. While he’s an unlikely hero, even an ‘anti-hero’, it still needs to feel like he is the driving force behind the story, and even though the reader decides which path he treads, he has to be a strong enough and engaging enough character for the reader to want to follow his journey through to the end. I think longer sections may help with his portrayal as, at the moment, he very much feels like a puppet that the reader is commanding. He really has to leap off the page and be vivid enough for the reader to want to adopt this persona for the duration of the story. Obviously you will have to tailor the smaller details of his character depending on the reader’s choices (i.e. whether he makes brasher decisions, whether he is more aggressive, more sly etc.) But intrinsically, he shouldn’t differ that drastically in his depiction.

Setting:
The setting isn’t touched upon that much, which is unusual for a fantasy novel. While the setting should serve only as a backdrop, you need enough description for the reader to be able to visualise it. I understand that you said that you would expect for there to be illustrations inserted into the book, as per the style of the 1980s originals, but I think it is important to complement these visuals with enough evocative description to really immerse the reader in your world.

Tone:
The most prevalent element after the action is the comedy. There is clearly a humorous edge to the story, which is quite slapstick in style. Given that it is a Fighting Fantasy novel, I can see why you opted for slapstick humour as it is a very physical form of comedy. You state that this is a tongue-in-cheek but affectionate pastiche of the interactive heroic fighting novels of the 1980s. It’s very playful in tone, and given that this is a spoof, you are perhaps allowed more artistic freedom in how you push the boundaries of such niche genre novels, by playing with conventions and confounding readers’ expectations. You state that the novel is ‘unashamedly hackneyed’, and it is this nod to the absurdity of its clichés but at the same time embracing and celebrating them that will make this such an enjoyable adventure for your readers

Genre/Market:
Obviously as the narrative is written in second-person and the character is male, you are going to appeal to a largely male demographic. While they were extremely popular in the 1980s, Fighting Fantasy books only appealed to a niche market and I do wonder if there would be the same demand for them now.

Conclusion:
I hope these notes have been helpful to you. As I have already said, I think the material so far is in fairly good shape, and with some polishing and developing as you go along, I’m sure you will be able to make this really leap off the page. I wish you the best of luck in making that happen, and hope you continue to enjoy writing.

Best wishes

Natalie Braine

I liked her passion for gardening. This is probably quite an unusual hobby for a teenage girl – especially one who lives in a high-rise block of flats! – but it is clearly a much-needed outlet for Sally. You have to ensure that this hobby is portrayed in such a way that the reader is able to understand why Sally enjoys it, even if it isn’t a hobby of theirs. I have to admit that I found the scenes with her three plants a little overstated. While it’s clear you want to show how loving Sally is even though she doesn’t often get that in return from her mum, and how these plants offer her a form of escapism by looking after them, you need it to feel subtle rather than obvious, otherwise it loses it’s emotional impact.
While the word book is a great idea – a way for Sally to further her mind and probably offer a much-needed distraction from home-life – I’m not quite sure how effective the dictionary definitions at the beginning of each chapter are. This felt a little bit too didactic to me, and didn’t really add much in terms of narrative.

I found it quite odd that the feature Sally most likes about Ellis is his earlobes! You state in your synopsis that he has ‘the cutest earlobes in the world’. What makes one boy’s earlobes any cuter than another’s? I thought this was quite a strange body-part for Sally to focus on! I didn’t really get a sense in these early pages of the origins of their relationship. When he was first mentioned, I assumed he was Sally’s brother. I think you need to make it clearer earlier on how Ellis features in Sally’s life.

Setting:
I liked the description at the beginning where Sally describes her home as a Rubik’s Cube, how she feels like her world is caving in on her, getting smaller and smaller. It’s a powerful metaphor. There were a few phrases that I was unsure of, such as ‘slipper-sanded carpet’. Also, with the line ‘you shouldn’t eavesdrop; it’s not exactly PC’ seems odd. I think PC is the wrong choice of word here, as why would eavesdropping not be politically correct?

I think more could be made of the contrast between where Sally and her mother live to the world she enters every Sunday when she goes to visit her Aunty P. It is hard to visualise exactly the place that Sally calls home, and it is extremely important for the reader to be able to visualise it. In comparison, the description of Aunty P’s home is much more vivid. It is clear that she lives in a country village, but what is the place like that Sally lives? Is it a big town in Yorkshire? Is it run-down? Is it dangerous? You really want to expose the kind of world that Sally lives in and also highlight the kind of world that she could so easily have inhabited if her mother hadn’t gone down the wrong path. How does Sally feel when she comes to this place? Is it an escape, or does it just highlight for her how depressing her own homelife is? It is small details like this that will really bring your story to life for the reader, as well as giving them a better understanding of Sally as a character.

Tone:
The tone is quite intimate, almost as if Sally is letting the reader in on her thoughts; thoughts she can’t express to anyone else. There’s a real air of sadness to the narrative, and it’s hard not to pity Sally and how she has had to grow up so fast. Sally seems to dejectedly accept her lot in life. She can reveal to the reader that she’s unhappy, but outwardly she seems to have resigned herself to this grim existence. I think you need to inject more of a hopeful note into the overriding tone, otherwise the reader won’t feel compelled to read on if they feel there is no real future for Sally.

Given the dark subject matter, the tone is inevitably going to be dark in places, but it shouldn’t be unremittingly so. Like anything, you need to provide relief for your reader, whether it be in the form of comic relief, dramatic relief or even romantic relief. If the story is too sombre and dour, you may lose the reader’s engagement with your story.

Genre/Market:
It is clear that you know what readership you are aiming for, as you classify it as ‘edgy’ YA fiction aimed at teenage girls. It is always difficult in teenage fiction, particularly edgy, topical novels, not to come across as didactic or moralistic in your writing. Such novels often have something to teach their reader, but this lesson needs to be conveyed with subtlety and with drama. You need to make the reader not only empathise with the protagonist, but to imagine what they would do in her shoes. It is sometimes difficult to pitch a novel just right for a YA market. You don’t want to seem too obvious or overstate your message, yet you don’t want it to be too subtle that they’ll overlook it. It also has to be dramatic and compelling enough to hook them in until the very end!

Conclusion:
I hope these notes have been helpful to you. As I have already said, I think the material so far has promise, and with some polishing and developing as you go along, I’m sure you will be able to make this really leap off the page. I wish you the best of luck in making that happen, and hope you continue to enjoy writing.

Best wishes

Natalie Braine

I'm very pleased the Orion reviewer enjoyed Cut and Run. Many thanks, Karen.

Ted, please pass on my thanks to Natalie for her review of Family Man. Her comments are very much appreciated. Sue the long and the short of it

Triclops: a collection of forty short stories by Avery Mathers, Susan Howe and Lee Williams.

Many thanks, and I have passed on the feedback to Natalie.

Ted