Dear Carmen Harris

Congratulations on being selected for a professional critique by your writing peers at YouWriteOn.com. I really enjoyed reading your sample pages and I was impressed by the deftness and confidence of your writing. While I don’t think the material so far needs a great deal of reworking as it is already in fairly good shape, what I hope these editorial notes will do is provide you with some useful pointers as to how you can hone and develop the existing chapters, and what to pay attention to as the novel progresses.


Structure:

From the sample pages and from your synopsis, it is clear that there will be a lot of flashbacks and jumps in time, which should add interest and texture to your story. The structure will also be informed by the change in character perspective, which again will allow for more narrative depth. In the sample pages, the story is shown from the perspective of mainly Jane, but also from Greg. I wonder if other characters’ POVs will also be introduced later on? This is Jane’s story and she is the protagonist, but interweaving other characters’ narrations and viewpoints will provide more of a multifaceted portrayal of Jane, given that the reader is privy to Jane’s innermost thoughts, and also others’ perceptions of her. I liked how the flashbacks broke up the hospital scenes, flitting between the two. It brought relief to what was otherwise quite a harrowing section. You need to find the balance between breaking up the narrative for relief and interest, but without it seeming jarring and disorientating.

Your synopsis outlines a clear story arc: Jane’s nervous breakdown, Jane (and Martha’s) confrontation with their past demons, and eventually the promise of possible redemption as Jane faces a new chapter in her life. The interweaving of flashbacks, sub-plots and various character perspectives into the narrative will prevent this feeling too linear, but there is still a clear dramatic drive that should propel the story on.


Plot:

The story of a woman pushed to the brink of sanity when her past comes back to her haunt her has huge dramatic potential, and I don’t think this has been fully capitalised upon from what I have read. I think the opening scene, set 18 months ago on the day of Jane’s wedding, could be trimmed of superfluous material and tightened up, so the pace and drama come to the forefront. Yes, you want to convey that Jane is overwhelmed, but you don’t want to overwhelm the reader! These early pages are some of the most important – they need to hook the reader and compell them to read on. It all seemed a bit muddled, whereas I think the narrative needs to be sharper and more concise here to really grab the reader. The letter was an intriguing hook, but your synopsis doesn’t mention it again. To introduce it in the first scene, it has to play an important role later on.

I liked the idea of Jane seeing herself through a camera lens – as both the observed and the observer – and how this captures her fractured self. But I felt that this was brought in a little too early on. I think we need to see more of Jane before she becomes unhinged. The reader has got to feel connected to her before this point, and I don’t think they will be at this early stage.

The scene following on from when the doctor asks ‘How are we feeling?’ could be problematic. You are clearly trying to convey Jane’s current frame of mind, but it reads as very bitty and incoherent. Why are the names and words such as ‘pills’ and ‘tablets’ suddenly in capitals? Also, it reads too much like a film-script, with directions such as: ‘Close-up Jane's grimace. She’s staring at a tray of spilled medication. Lurid coloured PILLS and TABLETS scattered on the floor.
We hear Doctor Chan and Greg’s voices in the background.’ Who is the ‘we’? I can see what you’re trying to achieve, and it’s great to try to experiment with the style of the narrative, but I don’t think this scene works as it currently stands. As I’ve said before, you need to find that balance between expressing how Jane is feeling, without alienating the reader.

The dark twist towards the end will no doubt shock readers, and force them to reassess everything they have just read. But however traumatic this revelation, your synopsis hints that the end might be a (tentatively) optimistic one – ultimately showing how the human spirit can sometimes refuse to be broken.


Characterisation:

Jane is an intriguing character, but she is also one that is quite hard to warm to in these early pages. Reading Greg’s section that described his perception of Jane did go some way in remedying that, but I still found her a very distant and aloof figure. She is clearly a troubled woman – and the important thing is finding the balance between depicting her inner turmoil without distancing the reader. They have to want to follow her journey, even in her darkest moments. I think more could be made of Jane’s vulnerability, and how she conceals this behind a façade. The reader has to feel this tension and be able to empathise and emotionally connect with Jane. You don’t need to reveal exactly why Jane is so troubled straight away, but there have got to be more references to her past, otherwise she is just a woman on the edge, out of context. You really need to get under her skin and lay her bare to the reader.

Greg is in no way as troubled as Jane, but he too has his fair share of emotional baggage. I really felt for him in those early hospital scenes – wanting to be there for his wife, but feeling raw and vulnerable himself. Your synopsis states that he will later have an affair with his secretary. I imagine you will opt for a more ambivalent approach to this plot development, and allow the reader to make up their own mind as to how to judge Greg’s actions. It would be all to easy to paint him black as the adulterous husband who turns his back on his wife when she begins to crumble, but it is clear that you want to explore the complexities of such actions and what provokes people to do things they wouldn’t normally do.

Just from the very brief scene I read, Martha instantly leapt from the page. She’s vividly depicted, and her vivacity and frankness will contrast brilliantly with Jane’s solemnity and reticence. It will be interesting to see how such different women are able to find a common ground and how two strangers can connect in a way they weren’t able to with those closest to them.


Setting:

The setting isn’t particularly significant in these early pages, except for the scenes in the hospital. Then the reader is confronted with descriptions of a clinical, run-down environment that very much reflects the mood of its inhabitants: joyless. I think more could be made of the setting in the opening pages – what is Jane and Greg’s martial home like? Then I think the contrast between the hospital and the world she has left behind will be all the more stark.

Your synopsis states that an integral part of the narrative will play out in Jamaica. Obviously the setting will be vastly different, and you really want to immerse the reader in all the sights and sounds of this unfamiliar place, and what Jane’s reaction is to it.


Tone:

Given the themes of mental illness, betrayal and incest, the tone will inevitably be quite dark. But it is important that it isn’t unremittingly so. There has to be light with the dark, otherwise this could be quite a depressing and sombre read. The reader has got to believe that there is hope for Jane, and to be emotionally engaged with her as a protagonist. Martha has the potential to offer some comic relief, but it is important that she isn’t the only character that provides this. The change in scenery when the pair travels to Jamaica should also mark a shift in tone. Tone is one of the hardest elements to master in a novel, but also one of the most vital. A story’s tone is fluid – it constantly changes with the moods of the characters, and it affects the reader’s reaction to the narrative. You have to be aware of what tone you’re opting for and why.


Genre/Market:

You define this as general fiction. I think this would only appeal to women, and of a demographic of 30+. It is important to know your audience and adapt your approach accordingly.


Conclusion:

I hope my notes have been helpful to you. As I have already said, I think the material so far is in good shape, and with some polishing and developing as you go along, I’m sure you will be able to make this leap off the page. I wish you the best of luck in making that happen, and hope you continue to enjoy writing.


Best wishes

Natalie Braine