The Lorelei Effect by Michael Alan

Critique by literary professional Gillian Stern


Many congratulations for coming third in the YouWriteOn Book of the Year Award. This is a wonderful achievement and should make you feel tremendously encouraged and valued as a writer. I imagine that the judges and readers, like myself, were enthralled, intrigued and totally swept up in your narrative and can’t wait to read on and see how the novel develops.

Usually in my critiques, I take the author through the areas that I have found problematic in their submission but in your case, there is so little that causes me any concern at all, that I would like to take some time focusing on the hugely successful elements of your writing. If there are areas within these elements that I feel could do with some work, I will point these out as I go along.

Writing Style

Your style is immediately appealing – that enviable American style of prose that makes your writing appear almost effortless (but when I sit down and try, is of course, more difficult than I can imagine) – and engages the reader from the very first page. Your phrases such as ‘modern day Columbus sailing the digital ocean’ or ‘the room and what it held were literally extensions of my mind’’ really make the reader stop and enjoy your words. The way your sentences flow, the feeling that these words are being spoken allow the reader to absorb everything – the visual, the emotions, the sounds, the layers upon which your writing builds. Truly, your writing is a pleasure to read.



I would perhaps be a little more adventurous, even a little more stylised at times. For example, on page two, instead of ‘It was the middle of the night…’. You might try ‘Now it was the middle of the night’ or ‘Then it was the middle of the night’. A sort of DeLillo-esque touch here and there might just inject the narrative with just a little more edge. You could also be a little more daring with Rebecca – injecting her voice with a little more tension through your writing. I do not wish to overplay this however – I would not like to see your writing feel forced or pretentious.



I was pleased to be sent a version with the italics clarified as this does then make sense of the changes in tense (which were problematic in ordinary type as I am sure you can imagine). I would however, ditch the Br-aa-ngg ad Wahh’s of the phone and alarm clocks. We can tell the effect they have and hear the noise they make through Cyrus’s response. I am not entirely sure about the length of the ‘chapters’ – though I can see the story will develop and once things converge the chopping around my tail off.



Narrative Voices/Characterisation

The narrative voices that you have created are both immediately intriguing and absorbing and while there is little characterisation built into the voices thus far, I would hope that there will be further development and the reader will be able to form attachments, feel emotional responses to them and care enough, beyond the plot, to want to read on. All the questions that build up, all the gaps in context will no doubt be fleshed out and the characters developed in depth.



Cyrus is pretty unproblematic and if he has major complexities, these have yet to emerge. He has a clarity of observation and a certain level of detachment that is appealing. However, Rebecca is clearly more layered and complex and some aspects of what comes through in these early pages, do make the reader slightly uneasy. For example, she has a pretty disturbing suspicion of men, a curiously old-fashioned opinion of male dominance. She somewhat hurtles through an explanation or contextualising of this – a teacher who told her she could marry a doctor, pre-meds who found her attractive – and some of her observations, for example, on the old boys’ network, are cynically amusing. However, later (although this is not yet in the second version I read, so it may have been removed), her meeting with the PEP committee when she presents her research unveils a deep hostility and almost hatred of men. I found this a little odd when the novel is clearly set so contemporarily (or possible ahead of now) – are institutions still so male dominated? It is hard to conceive of anywhere, much less a medical establishment, so totally run by men. Of course, if this is integral to the plot, then that is fine but I feel there should be more development, more explanation.



Rebecca is intriguing and I look forward to later in the novel, hopefully, when her character is allowed to emerge more, when she can come off the page with more texture and colour. I appreciate that you are laying down the story in these first few chapters and it is to your credit that I have so much interest in both of your voices. The story is intriguing enough – more characterisation may be asking too much!



Plot/Story

From the outset here – the very nature of Cy’s job, the idea of the ‘convoluted puzzles’ , his knowledge and technical expertise and the late-night call – we are immediately hooked. The story-line then just gets more intriguing and while it is not easy to see that the two stories might converge, it soon becomes clear that they will. Rebecca’s work with catatonic patients is, of course, also interesting – not something I have ever encountered before and it certainly set me wondering and asking all sorts of questions. It seems to me that you manage to sustain the reader’s interest in two very different set of circumstances and this, as many writers know, is no easy thing.



At the end of the section I read, I just wanted to know what happened next. This, in itself, is enough to know you are on the right tracks. No fancy criticism can get in the way of a reader just wanting to turn the pages on!

Conclusion

Thrillers are all in at the moment and publishers are eager to lay their hands on those that combine a sharp and original plot, convincing and engaging characters and a tight, taut pace that keeps the reader turning those pages. Yours is an assured, convincing and excellent opening and for once, I can offer little criticism but happily instead present much praise and a confident prediction that if the novel continues and sustains this early promise, you will enjoy success and then hopefully a wide international readership. I would be pleased to work further with you in any capacity I can and again, wish you much success with your admirable writing.