Professional Critique on THE GIRL IN THE BOX by Sabrina Dalton

Many congratulations on making the top five submissions this month. I have thoroughly enjoyed reading your chapters, not only for the interesting tale they promise, but because I too am a big Guatemala-phile (if such a word exists!) and have spent a lot of time there. What I would like to do here is break down my critique into key sections and summarise at the end – I hope you find it a useful springboard for taking this creative process forward.

Plot and structure:
Judging by your synopsis, there is a lot going on in this story – there is adventure, murder, intrigue, corruption, politics, romance as well as a smattering of medical/scientific investigation. All these ingredients are the stuff of good commercial fiction, but be careful of trying to be all things to all people, because it can often be more detrimental than useful. It’s essential to have a very clear idea of what your story is and who it’s for. For instance, is Jerry an Indiana Jones medical type on a quest for scientific greatness and a solution to the political problems in the third world? Or is it more Caitlin’s story? How she unwittingly goes on a journey of self-discovery in her attempt to help the ward of her late lover? Or indeed, could it be more about Inez, a misunderstood misfit who somehow becomes the catalyst for murder and intrigue? It is hard to glean answers to these questions from the synopsis alone, although given that Jerry dies fairly early on, it obviously becomes Caitlin’s story. I imagine it is a lot clearer when reading the manuscript in its entirety, but I can only judge from the material I have and my primary concern here is there is too much information, too much going on, too many subplots and extraneous characters. Keep it simple. I would either revise it into the fairly dark travel/ medical thriller it seems to want to be from these first chapters, or let it relax into being a tale of two disenfranchised women (Caitlin and Inez) and their respective and shared emotional and physical journeys.

The structure seems to be fairly straightforward and linear, but I wonder if these opening chapters might benefit from focusing slightly more on the key protagonist you choose? For instance, they are very much from Jerry’s point of view, written in his voice. To have a reader invest so much so soon in a character who isn’t going to stick around very long, could be considered to be quite a lot to ask of them. It may seem obvious, but these opening chapters are crucial in engaging the reader and ensuring they will keep on turning the pages to find out what happens. Jerry is a key figure in the story, but perhaps you could also introduce Caitlin earlier? Or maybe she could accompany him on this Guatemalan journey? That would also solve the issue I have over her motivation to help Inez once Jerry is dead. Judging purely by the synopsis, I found it hard to be convinced by Caitlin’s extreme altruism towards the girl. If however she had discovered her with Jerry, it would explain her emotional involvement and subsequent crusade.

Setting:
I think you evoke Guatemala very well – the smells, the heat and humidity, the colours, the indigenous people. And it’s a great place to open your book; it packs a real punch and forces the reader to sit up and absorb their new, slightly uncomfortable surroundings. Unless you really know your stuff and really feel that it enhances the central story, I would be careful of getting too involved in the politics and history of the civil war. I’m no expert myself, but what history doesn’t make clear on that period is that many Mayas were actually involved in the killing of their own people by fighting for both sides. Basically, the situation was a lot more complicated than is often represented. Some local flavouring, atmosphere and orientation is, of course, essential to your story, but don’t get too distracted by a desire to expound political opinion in a work of fiction.

Most of this seems to be set however in Canada, which I know little about, but which will undoubtedly hold appeal for many readers.

Characterisation:
The only character I really got to know in these opening chapters is Jerry, and I like him and his spirit of adventure, humanity and open-mindedness. Shame he has to die so soon! For the rest, Inez and the other Guatemalan characters can only really be two dimensional. I imagine Caitlin and perhaps Margaret will be afforded the most believable attributes. As long as there is one fully rounded character with whom your reader can identify, you are fulfilling one of your most important duties as a writer.

I have already touched on this above, but do take care not to crowd your script with too many peripheral characters. In my experience, there are always some characters that don’t really serve a purpose and can be done away with, hard as it may be to contemplate. You can always have a go, then reinstate if you disagree. Just as with the plot, keep the cast of characters simple, strong and effective.

Writing style and voice:
You write very well. You convey your message descriptively, emotively and, for the most part, succinctly; it is easy to engage with your style. There were a few instances I felt could be rendered more concise, for instance on page 1, last para, there is no need to include ‘sometimes faintly’ in the sentence beginning ‘Mulitcoloured woollen frames…’ It is almost apologetic, yet if you remove it, it becomes a bold, poetic statement that, I’m sure you’ll agree, flows much better. You also have the slight tendency for over conjecture – for instance, when Jerry on pages 4 & 5 is having an internal debate about the motives of the Mayan couple, it slows down the pace a bit much and could do with being cut back. Similarly on page 8, last para from ‘This isn’t Canada…’ onwards is a bit awkward and unnecessary.

Specific line-editing points:
Page 2 line 3 ‘Que desias?’ I know we find out later that Jerry’s Spanish isn’t perfect, but here he seems to be speaking it with some authority and force, so it undermines him that he gets it wrong grammatically. It should be ‘Que deseas?’. If you want to make it even more accurate, i.e. a question in the polite plural ‘ustedes’ form given that he’s talking to two people, it would be ‘Que desean?’ Either have him speak it correctly or let the reader know earlier that he knows he’s speaking it incorrectly.

Page 2 line 6 Chichicastenango

Page 3 line 8 There is no such language as Mayan. Just lots of different dialects spoken by the different indigenous groups.

Page 4 line 1 It is rare for the indigenous people to speak Spanish, let alone English, other than those who trade to tourists, and your couple don’t as far as I can tell. It entirely depends on how authentic you wish to make this, but perhaps both Jerry and the couple could struggle to communicate in Spanish rather than English.

Page 4 para 6 up It begs the question here why Jerry has come anyway even though his tour fell through. Is he on holiday? Is he doing his own personal research?

Page 6 para 7 Again, I am not judging this for its linguistic accuracy and I know it’s meant to be wrong, but just in case, I think you mean: ‘para tomarlos’

Page 8 Inez would be spelled Inés in Spanish.

Page 10 para 3 up I would expect this to be the first thing he says, the first reaction he has when he sees her for the first time on previous page. Suggest moving it to there.

Page 15 para 5 up ‘relexive’?

Page 16 para 5 up Would a Norte Americano not just be given the generic term of gringo?

Page 17 last para suggest cutting ‘The verbal sparring was stimulating’ – it comes across as a little contrived, which your writing isn’t.

Final Analysis:
With some fine tuning and some real attention to the main focus of the plot, I think you could have something interesting here. Remember to keep it as simple as possible and work out from the start whose story it is and go for whomever’s feels the most natural to you. Thank you for a very enjoyable diversion to Latin America and I wish you lots of luck with it.