Literary professional critique of The Emperor's Elephant by Sara O'Keeffe

Dear Doug,

Congratulations on being chosen as one of the top entries this month – I know the overall standard is very high, so this is a real achievement. I’d like to begin by saying how much I truly enjoyed reading your sample chapters – on a first reading I positively raced through the pages. You have a naturally accessible, though elegant style of writing that manages to bring ancient Rome convincingly to life. I was instantly taken with the character of Rufus and wanted very much to know how he would make his way in such a brutal world.

Market positioning and book title:

Out of the sample chapters that I have so far reviewed for the site, I would say that yours are amongst the most commercial. As I’m sure you know, historical action / adventure is a perennially popular genre with an evidently strong market. From the little I have read, I have a feeling that The Emperor’s Elephant falls happily into that category (at least in terms of its sales pitch), which can go a long way toward easing one’s path to publication. Have you read much fiction in this area? The reason I ask is that the title of your novel strikes me as being slightly out of kilter with the genre. For instance, William Napier’s novels have the following titles: Attila: The Gathering of the Storm and Attila: The End of the World will Come from the East. Conn Iggulden broke through into bestsellerdom with his roman series, using titles like The Gates of Rome. As a general rule, novels of this type tend to communicate the setting or the central subject through the book title. In a sense, publishers and agents regard book titles as a selling tool - the clearer the message, the better. Historical adventure novels also tend to aim for a slightly masculine note – hinting at epic battles, adventure and intrigue. Perhaps you should consider other titles for your novel before you submit to agents and publishers? The Emperor’s Elephant is intriguing, but it doesn’t tell you what the book is about. I believe the right sort of title could make all the difference here and really help to grab the reader’s attention. I would also encourage you to read as widely as possible in this area so that you can get a sense of how other writers tackle issues relating to setting/plot/characterisation/action sequences and complex time lines etc. You may be able to pick up helpful tips from them, while retaining your unique voice.

Overall, your sample chapters were very polished and in need of only quite minor work. Given that the chapters are in such excellent shape, I would like to focus primarily on areas within the material where I felt there was room for further exploration or where a particular event could be developed further or made clearer.

The opening section:

To be honest, I feel this is the only section that needs substantial work. The novel opens with Rufus sitting against a pear tree struggling to make a decision – on one hand, this opening is rather sedate, almost reflective in tone and on the other hand, it’s rather abrupt. We are thrown into Rufus’ world without any introduction or explanation. I found this rather jarring and also slightly anti-climactic. As a fan of historical adventure, I would anticipate a dramatic opening - something that would grab the reader from the outset and keep them riveted. One way around this would be to consider writing a short prologue for the novel – perhaps something set in the midst of a battle or action sequence from much letter in the story? Then the following scene could return to the start of the story with Rufus as a young man, trying to make up his mind about whether to stay and become a baker, or take a leap into the unknown. If the reader already has some sense of what lies in store for Rufus, this could add extra significance and dramatic tension to the opening chapter. A prologue could also be a useful way to establish for the reader a sense of the overall story-arc – it could give them a taste of where the story will end up. It could hint at the idea that Rufus won’t remain a poor and powerless slave for ever. Readers will want to read on to discover what happens to Rufus and how he came to be so close the centre of power in Rome. There are of course other ways to enliven the opening so please don’t feel that you have to take this suggestion on board – but it might be worth trying.

Use of language and description:

Use of language is a tricky thing to discuss. As I mentioned previously, I like your style of writing very much and would be keen for you to maintain this. However, although your descriptive powers are excellent and help to create a detailed and vibrant portrait of ancient Rome, there are times when the narrative is perhaps a little too wordy, particularly during the action sequences. Don’t be frightened to pare back the prose a little in order to introduce a stronger sense of movement and urgency. The overall aim here is to create a page-turning narrative.


Use of flashbacks:

There were several instances where I felt it might be useful to introduce a short flashback sequence, to fill the reader in on previous events. For instance, while Rufus is learning how to look after the animals, he witnesses the savage death of Rodan (by the by, Rodan is too similar a name to Rufus – you may want to choose something more distinct). This is mentioned only in passing, but I felt it could be a really effective story told through flashback. Rufus is essentially stepping into dead men’s shoes. He could easily be the next man to be killed by one of the caged animals. Could you make more of this by showing Rodan’s death in some detail? This would also give you the opportunity to introduce a brief action sequence. As I’m sure you’re aware, including regular action sequences really helps to increase the narrative drive and pace of the overall storytelling.

Another instance where flashback might be useful is where Rufus goes to visit his lover, only to realise that she is no longer interested in him. This relationship is also mentioned in passing, but is left unexplored. I did wonder how old Rufus is at the beginning of the story. I assumed he was in his early teens, so I was surprised when his ‘lover’ is mentioned. Does she come into the story again? If not, I would suggest cutting this completely. If she does come into the story again then it might be worth introducing their relationship more clearly here through a flashback sequence.


Seeding information:

In a large historical narrative of this style, it’s important to seed information and events well in advance. For instance, we know that Fronto is an animal trader, but it isn’t made absolutely clear that the animals are being bred to fight gladiators in the arena. If this fact were seeded from the outset, then the reader would be waiting in anticipation for the moment when the animals are made to enter the arena and fight. This would add greater dramatic tension to an already wonderfully dramatic scene.

In conclusion:

I do hope these general notes have been useful to you. I really enjoyed reading and reviewing your work. I have asked Edward to pass me the full manuscript to read. There are of course no guarantees that I could take this project forward at this time, but I would certainly be interested in reading more.

Best wishes,

Sara O’ Keeffe