Critique by Orion Editor Natalie Braine

Title : The Scarlet Heart

Author : Justine Windsor

Genre : Children's Fiction

View Opening Chapters

Rating : Best Seller Chart Book

Synopsis
In a world where adolescence is a disease, the cure is brutal. Aimed at children 10+






Dear Justine

Congratulations on being selected for a professional critique by your writing peers at YouWriteOn.com. I really enjoyed reading your sample pages of THE SCARLET HEART and I was impressed by the confidence and sophistication of your writing. In fact, THE SCARLET HEART is one of the most accomplished children’s novels I’ve read from YouWriteOn. You are clearly a natural and gifted storyteller. While I don’t think the material so far needs a great deal of reworking as it is already in excellent shape, what I hope these editorial notes will do is comment upon the story’s strengths, provide you with some useful pointers as to how you can hone and develop the existing chapters, and also guidance on what to pay attention to as the novel progresses.


Structure:

You have opted for quite a simple structure, with a very clear-cut narrative drive that is almost entirely linear. You while the narrative might seem quite one-directional, you throw in a lot of twists and curve balls that will make your plot seem anything but predictable or straightforward! You have introduced one main sub-plot – Mara’s relationship with Zeph – which should add greater interest to the narrative. It is hard to judge from the synopsis alone, but will other sub-plots be brought in? I think it is important to introduce more than one peripheral story, as these offer dramatic relief for the reader from the main narrative, and often provide a richer reading experience.

The chapters are short and snappy, and this helps maintain the pace and narrative drive. There were some fantastic cliffhangers, too, such as at the end of chapter four, when Mara discovers that she is a ‘four’ – very ominous!


Plot:

I loved how you dropped the reader straight into the action from the get-go. You didn’t feel the need to ‘set-up’ the narrative as so many writers attempt to do, but instead wisely opt to immerse your reader in your world from the very first line. You throw in enigmatic phrases such as ‘Keepers’, ‘pre-adjusts’ and ‘Collection’, but rather than stalling the narrative to explain to the reader what these mean (which would feel clunky and awkward), you gradually interweave small details into the plot as you go along, and in this way it flows very naturally. For example, you don’t reveal that the protagonist is female until the second page, or her age or name till a little later on. It is more important to depict the character and personality of your protagonist rather than get bogged down in the physicalities, and you clearly recognise this.

The set-up is intriguing and enigmatic, and you really pique the reader’s curiosity and keep the pages turning. It is clear that you have thoroughly thought out and considered the intracacies of this world. I thought it was a fascinating concept how the ‘Ministry’ decides what career each pre-adjust will follow, how it is discouraged that male and female pre-adjusts interact, that the pre-adjusts have a uniform look to their clothes, as opposed to wearing what they like. You really bring this world to life and it is the finer details that make it all the more realistic.

There was never a dull moment in these sample pages, and from what I can tell from your synopsis, events are about to take a dramatic turn. I loved the idea of a ‘downside’ that has been oppressed for decades but are gearing up to lead a rebellion; a rebellion that both Mara and Zeph will play a key role in. As your synopsis hints, the plot developments will be thrilling and unexpected, and if the rest of the story is of the same standard and quality as the preceding pages, young readers will be in for an absolute treat! The drama is so involving, and the plot so fast-paced, the reader can’t help but be swept up in Mara’s story.


Characterisation:

Along with your intricate plotting, I think the story’s charactisation is one of its greatest attributes. I warmed to Mara straight away. She is intelligent, knows her own mind, and while she often feels scared, she won’t let her fear overwhelm her. She is a strong, accessible character, and one that the reader will want to follow on her journey every step of the way. You are very good at depicting your characters with subtle yet indelible brush strokes. You are economical in your portrayals, in which I mean you get straight to the heart of a character and convey a great deal in just a few lines, which is a very difficult thing to do.

The paragraph where Mara describes Caroline’s billowing clothes and skinny neck and acknowledges how some parents underfeed pre-adjusts to make them more obedient was unexpectedly moving! This section really provokes the reader’s empathy, not just for Caroline or Mara, but for the predicament that all pre-adjusts are in. Mara’s and Caroline’s exchanges were wonderful: succinct and to the point, but full of emotion. So too were Mara’s conversations with her mother. Theirs is clearly a troubled relationship, and I really wanted to find out why. I hope this will be explored later on? This is obviously tied up with the circumstances surrounding the departure of Mara’s father.

Even incidental characters, like Mr Janus, who serve a purpose only in they further the plot in some way but are unlikely to feature again elsewhere, are still wonderfully drawn. His physical description was fantastic, and his exchange with Mara was gripping. You clearly know how important it is to ensure each character is fully-rounded, however minor or irrelevant to the greater plot they may be.

Your synopsis states that Lissa will die, and I’m sure that if she’s as vividly realised as the other characters I’ve read about so far, the reader will keenly feel this and mourn her death along with Mara.


Setting:

Despite this being set in the future and the fact it would be quite an alien landscape to many readers, you fully immerse the reader into your world so that it feels both unknown yet familiar. It is the small details that really add colour to the fabric of this world. I really liked such references as ‘Victoria knows where’. Is Victoria a monarch? Or is she the god that society worships? Or is society now atheist? Your synopsis states that the place is called the Republic of Parish: is society still religious or has the Government usurped religion? It’s hard to tell from the synopsis, but will this be explored later on? It’s good to place your story in context and provide a backstory to the unfolding action.

I thought the occasional references to the past were fantastic, such as how children once wore whatever they liked, such as ‘hoodies’ and how they were described as ‘lawless vandals’. While this is obviously a scaremongering tactic to keep the children toeing the line, you are clearly also commenting on the worsening state of a growing section of Britain’s youth, and it prompts the reader to visualise what the future may hold for the younger generations.

I thought it was wise that you didn’t specify what year your story is set. It is clearly set in the future, but how close or far away is unknowable. It is only seven pages in that you reveal the story is set in London. There is little description of the surrounding area; perhaps more details could be woven in to the story to give the narrative a greater sense of place.


Tone:

The fact that this is told from a first-person narrative heightens the sense of intimacy in the tone. The reader is drawn into Mara’s story and takes the journey with her. Mara’s mood does and will inevitably affect the tone of the narrative, and in this way the reader will be even moe aligned with Mara. The tone is quite dark in places, but never felt that it was unrelentingly so. The story is incredibly atmospheric and tense in parts. What I haven’t witnessed in the pages I have read so far is moments of dramatic relief, where the story is lighter in tone. You need to incorporate the light with the dark, which will in turn create more nuance and texture to your narrative.


Genre/Market:

You state that the novel is aimed at 10+ year olds, and I think you really understand your readership. The main hurdle children’s writers face is not ‘talking down’ to their readers, and you admirably sidestep this pitfall. I think this is sophisticated enough to appeal to a readership that is quite a bit older than 10, yet also accessible enough to captivate slightly younger readers, too.

You incorporate a lot of different generic strands into your story, so it would be hard to categorise this story in terms of genre. The story ambitiously mixes adolescent drama with adventure, romance, mystery and even a little bit of science fiction, and I think it has something that should appeal to a lot of different readers.




Conclusion:

I hope these notes have been helpful to you. As I have already said, I think the material so far is in fantastic shape, and with some polishing and developing as you go along, I’m sure you will be able to really make this leap off the page. I wish you the best of luck in making that happen, and hope you continue to enjoy writing.


Best wishes

Natalie Braine

Fantastic crit Justine. Looks like you've got a winner! Good luck with submitting. Sue .

Leigh, Sue

Thanks for the kind comments.

Leigh - if I ever get it published I'll send you a free copy! Wittering