Reluctant Travellers

Critique by Sara O'Keeffe

Congratulations on being chosen as one of the top entries this month – I know the overall standard is very high, so this is a real achievement. I’d like to begin by saying how much I truly enjoyed reading your sample chapters. There is a wonderful atmosphere to your writing and I found that Simon’s voice – richly expressive, clear and often tender – stayed with me long after I finished reading. Overall, your sample chapters were extremely polished and in need of very little line editing. Given that the chapters are in such excellent shape, I would like to focus primarily on areas within the material where I felt there was room for further exploration.

Characterisation:

Simon has been expertly drawn as a character. His ‘voice’ felt absolutely real to me and as the narrative progressed, I felt increasingly pulled into his world. My only worry here is that Marianne’s character is less present in the pages that I read. This may have been a deliberate choice – to concentrate on Simon’s view-point fully. However, I longed to understand more of Marianne’s life. What made her want to be with Simon after so many years alone? Simon offers the reader possible motivations, but we are left to wonder whether he is right. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with choosing to focus on one character rather than another, but it might help to fill in a little more detail about Marianne, even if you choose not to give her a voice. As a couple, Marianne’s life, her choices, and her memories, are bound up with Simon’s. Simon mentions a disparity between how they each chose to remember their first meeting. His descriptions of this event are detailed and vivid, while Marianne’s are vague and somehow slightly dismissive. Perhaps more could be done here to explore the difference between the two – to get underneath Marianne’s desire to play down their first meeting, as though it were of little consequence to her. I wondered about why she would choose to depict their romance in that way.

Picturing Marianne:

We see the story through Simon’s eyes and it is through his thoughts and memories that the reader builds up a picture of Marianne and of their relationship. In essence, there are two contrasting visions of her in these chapters: Marianne as a young woman – vital, free and full of curiosity, and Marianne as a house-bound invalid, waiting to die. For me, part of the emotional impact of these chapters lies within the contrast between these two starkly differing images. I felt that perhaps more could be done to contrast Marianne in these two different states of being. For instance, in the opening paragraph, Marianne is pictured in a deep sleep. It would be really useful to have some more detail about Marianne’s surroundings. I got the impression that she is bed-ridden, confined to one room. It would be helpful to have a picture of the space Marianne is forced to occupy, in order to build up a stronger sense of her current confinement. Would you consider including a physical description of Marianne, both in the present time line and in the past? I wanted to be able to picture clearly how Marianne has been transformed physically by her illness.


Setting:
Simon’s memories of India are incredibly detailed and vivid – they have a sensuous and vibrant quality which I found mesmerising. Perhaps you would consider building in a little more detail about Simon and Marianne’s present-day surroundings? Simon mentions that the house is in disrepair and gradually falling apart, as though it were a reflection of its owner’s states of being. A little more detail here would help to point up the contrast between the sense of vitality Simon experienced in India and the sense of decline he experiences in his present day life.

Voice and dialogue:

Given that the story is told through Simon’s eyes, his voice is naturally dominant. However, there are moments, both in the present narrative and the past, where there are short snippets of dialogue from Marianne. Her comments are not always easy to interpret and it might help the reader to have these explained or explored further. For instance, at one point in the past narrative Marianne says: ‘Whatever happens in life, whatever you achieve, whatever you fail at, it all comes down to this.’ What is it about this statement that makes Simon fall in love with her in that moment? Is it her honesty, her unflinching way of looking at life? Or has it more to do with his personal feelings about death (and life)? It would be useful to signpost more clearly for the reader why this moment, instead of all the others described, is the moment when he comes to love her.

All of Marianne’s comments are essentially short statements. I struggled to get a sense of her voice, of the rhythm of her speech. Also, there’s no actual dialogue in these chapters. It may be that there are sections of dialogue in other chapters, but if there isn’t, it might be good to try using dialogue more – it would give the reader a stronger sense of how characters interact with one another and would provide better access to Marianne’s thoughts and feelings. If we could hear her speaking, rather than Simon’s paraphrasing of what she says, it would help the reader to get to know Marianne better. Dialogue also helps to give the narrative a sense of movement and flow. Currently, I felt Marianne’s one-line statements gave the writing a slightly static feel. Perhaps you might consider trying a short section of dialogue when Simon is describing his upbringing to Marianne? If the subject of dependence is amplified through dialogue, then this might prove useful later, when Marianne is calling for Simon as he tries to creep out of the house. You could draw more attention to the fact that Marianne has become dependent on Simon in a manner that she would have found repulsive in her youth.

Relationship dynamics:

I felt there was a subtle role-reversal at work in the story: When Marianne and Simon first meet, Simon comes across as unsure of himself and nervous of his surroundings, whereas Marianne comes across as confident and in control of her environment. In the present-day story, Marianne is diminished by her illness – she is clingy, dependent and childlike, while Simon is forced to play the role of care-giver, father. In a sense, they are both diminished by her illness, but Marianne much more so. Perhaps you might consider amplifying this dynamic a little more? It’s a fascinating aspect to the storytelling, particularly toward the end of the material – I found the last paragraph to be very moving (though without a trace of sentimentality). You may wish to foreground this more.


I think the sample chapters that I have read are certainly ready to be seen by agents and publishers and I would strongly encourage you to start submitting your work to agents at this point. Although, strictly speaking, I have not been asked to critique the synopsis (only the sample chapters), I would suggest that you re-draft the synopsis. I read the synopsis before reading the sample chapters and on the basis of that, I expected the material to be rather depressing and drab. The wonderfully detailed and colourful descriptions of India took me utterly by surprise, as did the nuanced characterisation. At this point I would suggest that the best thing you could do for the prospects of your novel would be to capture that atmosphere as much as possible in the synopsis. So many good books get passed over because the synopsis doesn’t immediately strike a chord. It’s worth putting time and effort into working on your pitch. Best of luck with the writing and I do sincerely hope you persevere – I’ll look out for your name on the cover of a book some day soon.

Best wishes,

Sara O’ Keeffe