Random House are the publisher of bestselling authors such as John Grisham and Terry Pratchett. Each month on YouWriteOn.com editors from Random House and Orion provide an indepth critique of up to three highly rated YouWriteOn Top Ten novel openings, and mini-reviews of the rest of the top ten stories.


Click here to view the story extract links for the stories reviewed below which are listed under December 1st for 2010

RANDOM HOUSE MINI-CRITIQUES:

WAITING FOR DIANA
By Claire Whatley

Dear Claire,

What a chilling story! Something as safe and commonplace as a reading group being shot through with such a strict and stringent class structure is nicely subversive. Kate One, with her easy but crushing dismissal of any lower-rank female, is particularly nasty – I think we’ve all had that upsetting feeling of not registering on someone’s radar, and you write the gulf between the poised, immaculately attired alpha females and the chain-store-clothes-wearing inferior tier really well. I can picture each lady perfectly – Mary’s face being described as “a picture of greedy intrigue, like a portrait of a Renaissance pope” is immediately evocative! You have created a very biting study in what it means to ‘keep up appearances’ – these ladies are vicious behind the seemingly perfectly pleasant sipping of wine and eating of pretzels!

I did find the narrator a little unsatisfactory, however. You describe her “cold-sweat inducing” entry to the group and say that she “dreads” these meetings, but she is incredibly self-composed and controlled – almost to the point of detachment. I wonder if your readers would have more empathy with her if the way she describes her situation is more tinged with disappointment, fear and envy? When she says that “Happily, nobody listens to anything I might have to say anyway, so I don’t feel unduly worried”, I thought this was a bit too passive. Perhaps if she does attempt to offer her opinion on the book, and is shot down/ignored, then we’ll see this caste system in action and she might seem a more active character, rather than one who is merely reporting on everyone around her?

This is a cracking short story – and I am glad that Kate One got her comeuppance! The mood at the end of the narrative, where the ladies are united rather than constantly undermining one another, is full of an appealing hope. I very much enjoyed reading this.

Lauren
Random House


TREASURE THIS
By Kay Leitch

What an appealing concept – a St Mary Mead-type village where the genteel, sweet façade masks something altogether more chilling… Aunt Ellie and Harry seem like such nice, gentle characters and you write Addison’s growing suspicion of them very well – as a reader, you really can’t tell how things are going to pan out as the mystery of the dead body in the shed is solved. I know from reading your extended synopsis that actually there’s a whole backstory involving unscrupulous diamond thieves, and I’m sure you’ll drop clues and exposition well so that the reader, alongside Addison, can piece together the crime that was committed many years previously.
At the moment, Addison isn’t quite convincing me as a character, and obviously a first-person narrative from her point of view will very much dictate the credibility of the book. She and her siblings seem strangely unconcerned about their father being in hospital – I wonder whether we need more sadness from them that he’s ill and they can’t be with him and their mother. This would be pretty traumatic for children, and could lend an extra edge to the discover of the body – not only are they away from home but the people entrusted to look after them appear to have some guilty secrets, including stashing guns in clean towels. I’d actually suggest moving this novel up an age group and going to town on the dark details a bit more, to really provide a contrast between the countryside setting and the nefarious goings on. Finding out from the synopsis that Leaf was going to be shot was shocking because the violence up to this point felt quite tame, and Addison’s response to it hasn’t been too fearful. I wondered, too, if you could populate the book with more outwardly respectable but increasingly sinister village characters, in the style of the TV series The League of Gentlemen, so that Addison feels like she is totally surrounded by potential danger.
Good luck with your writing!

Lauren
Random House


SALLY AND JACK
By Christopher Roy Denton

You are great at setting the historical scene – I can practically smell the dirt and hustle and bustle of London in 1787! An assault on the senses of your reader that will immediately catapult them into your narrative. The relationship between Jack and Lottie is tenderly drawn – as a reader, you immediately empathise with his commitment to keeping his little sister safe. I did wonder whether revelations that both their parents are dead and Lottie herself is badly scarred following an earlier accident feel a little throwaway at the moment – setting your characters up with a more involving, detailed backstory will make them more credible and make your readers more involved with their adventure. We’ll root for Jack a lot more if you let us know how badly his parents’ death and subsequent eviction from their farm has affected him and put his own survival in danger.

I also wanted to know more about Sally – no doubt you give much more of her backstory later on in the narrative, but at the moment she feels a little like she has been beamed into this historical setting and isn’t actually a character your reader can fully engage with. Perhaps try and bring out more of her personality in her exchanges with other characters – is she frustrated at other people being totally in charge of her future? Does she miss her family/old life? Any detail that you can add so that she springs alive from the page will help us care more about what happens to her.

Best of luck with your writing!

Lauren , Random House

"Thank you" doesn't even come close for that review, Lauren, but thank you anyway: for your time, comments, and encouragement. The Coen Brothers comment alone was worth the price of admission. Appreciate it.

Kevin

Thanks, Lauren, for taking the time over Treasure This, I appreciate all your helpful comments. Best wishes, Kay

Ooh, some red pencil, or is it blue? I would restate my point but it will probably be removed, even though I was entirely respectful in my language "A,B&E", "Not In My Name" and "52FF" (flash fiction anthology) all available on Amazon Kindle

"How a psychopath makes sweet love. I can get you ringside. Royal box even."