Setting:

I think your unusual setting is one of the most appealing factors in your story and I'd personally have loved a little more scene setting and physical descriptions, to really build up a clear picture in my mind.

I deliberately read your synopsis after I’d read your opening chapters and I hadn’t picked up on the clear fantasy element in your story, assuming instead that this was set in some version of the Arctic, so I‘d recommend you focus a little more on how you can convey the history of your story and give readers a stronger sense of the setting and period.

I would also like to have had a little more detail about how the boats and other technology worked – you are creating a new world for your readers so you need to ensure that they can picture it as clearly as you can yourself. Once I’d read your synopsis I was fascinated to see how the story unfolded because it all sounded so original and exciting but I don’t think this new world aspect is quite coming across as strongly as it could be in these early chapters.

Characterisation:

I would have liked a little more clarification on Aulf and Ingar’s relationship. I had initially assumed that they were in a relationship, 'As long as you took me with you, she added firmly' but then when they are considering where they can hide their new acquaintances I then wondered whether Ma's was meant to be their mother. I would recommend that you do make this distinction a little clearer, as again this will help to build a strong mental picture in the mind of the reader.

Aulf and Ingar don't appear to introduce themselves to the twins, or perhaps they have already introduced themselves to Elya before Jacob wakes, but I would have liked to have seen how they described themselves and their occupations to their new travellers. Again, the ‘half wild orphan girl’ aspect wasn’t coming across to me in these stages and but when I read it in your synopsis it sounded fascinating.

Could we have some more detail about Jacob and Elya's world – their father is dead but what about their mother? Do they miss her as well? I would have thought they might have been homesick after seeing their father's funeral pyre and I’d have liked to have seen a little more of this emotional strand to the narrative, as its this that will really bring a story to life on the page and encourage your readers to empathise with your characters.

Conclusion:

I think you have the beginnings of a great story in place and I hope my comments enable you to refine and improve on what you already have in place.

I would suggest that you look at ways of spending a little more time on each key event or point of interest so that you give the reader more time to get to know your characters and your setting, and for us to see how the relationship between your characters works. As I’ve mentioned above there were some elements of your synopsis that I hadn’t picked up in this extract and while you’re certainly not expected to have set up your entire premise in your opening pages, I would have loved to have seen some of those details brought out so that I could really picture your world and imagine how your characters worked within it.

Congratulations on a very strong beginning!


Mini-Professional Reviews

Gardiane de Taureau Celia Micklefield

Congratulations on being in the Top Ten this month; I think you’ve written a charming story with a lovely sense of atmosphere. I thought your writing had a lovely, light touch and there was a very welcome sense of humour flowing through your work, 'Little girls sighed. Bigger girls sighed some more'.

I enjoyed how Catherine was initially presented as a wise old woman but the revelation of her past, and Dorothy's previous career, turned her from a benign old woman into something a little different. If the town knew of her past however, would they be surprised that she questioned Alexei – surely they would expect her to be a little more forthright than most village women?

Summer Sweet Summer – K. B. Mikals

I very much enjoyed reading your chapters; there was a wonderful sense of atmosphere – I could practically feel the summer heat dripping off the page – and your narrator’s had a very distinctive voice, which felt fresh and original.

Your writing was generally very good – I liked her description that Jo-Beth looked like 'she was experiencing the second coming Preacher Walcott got folks around here all riled up about' as it didn’t just describe Jo-Beth's expression but also told us something about the town and the people. The relationship between the two sisters felt very natural to me and I loved how Leanna-Detri, despite being the younger sibling, is determined to act older than her sister whilst still being desperate to join in their games. I thought you caught her mixed-up emotions, and her desire to belong, very well.

I would advise that you keep an eye out for repetition – we have three uses of the word 'folk' in the second paragraph for example, which makes it feel a little rote, so do be careful to always make your writing feel fresh and not repetitive.

The Gallows Cheat – BW

This was a wonderful start to a novel that I very much enjoyed reading. Your chapters are extremely atmospheric and there was a lovely sense of intrigue and dark undercurrents that made for a very appealing historical adventure. I loved the little details that you threaded through the narrative – the Pissing Conduit, the astrologer who offers protection against the plague – as they really brought your story alive for me.

The dispassionate way that Matthew related the story of his family’s deaths sent a shiver down my spine, and it really made me understand how swiftly your whole life could change at this point in history, and how little control you had over matters of health in particular. This then fed in very well to Thomas’ discomfort at hearing the sounds of a potentially innocent man being hanged.

Your style of writing is interesting as I felt it brought a very contemporary feel to your period story, but do bear in mind that this more abrupt, disjointed style of writing can make it harder for the narrative to ‘flow’ for a reader and occasionally I had to stop and re-read to make sure I’d fully understood.

Nb: there is an ‘of’ missing from your line 13