Random House are the publisher of bestselling authors such as John Grisham and Terry Pratchett. Each month on YouWriteOn editors from Random House and Orion provide an indepth critique of up to three highly rated YouWriteOn Top Ten novel openings, and mini-reviews of the rest of the top ten stories.



Click here to view the story extract links for the stories reviewed below which are listed under May for 2010



Reviews this month for May 1st Stories: Lazarus V, The Meter Man, Monday, Monday, The Strathbungo Cellists





Lazarus V

Dear Cameron,

Congratulations on being selected for a critique, and really well done on Lazarus V, which seems to be a gripping, intriguing novel. I enjoyed the chapters I read and would happily have read on for what, going off your synopsis, looks to be a very exciting story!

Obviously it’s difficult to give you a completely full critique of your work having only read your opening chapters and synopsis, and my comments are obviously only suggestions, but I hope the things I have mentioned below will be of some use to you.

Style/tone

I really like the way you’ve successfully mixed your voices and styles in the extract without it feeling disjointed. You move between very different scenes, characters, settings and voices cleverly. I very much enjoyed your seductive opening prologue. It felt very intriguing, very film noir. I recognised the characters you’d created as ‘types’, but I wanted to read on, to unravel the story further.

I also think, in the extract I read, that you have achieved a really good balance between technical medical detail and story. You’ve given enough detail to add a real air of authenticity without slowing the pace. Reading your synopsis, this might become even more important, I think.

Setting

Your atmosphere and settings are wonderful, and they are descriptively engaging throughout, whether your scene takes place in the city or on the sea. I did wonder if you might want to play up the signs of the depression more visually than you do at the moment? It might add more of an underlying air of tension too your novel perhaps.

Robert

You’ve created a potentially fantastic protagonist in Robert, but I have to confess to not being wholly convinced by him at the moment. His dialogue/speaking voice, for example, doesn’t quite seem to match the impression we have of him through your narrative. “Sure, one day maybe. Look, mister . . . I got other work needs finishing,” feels like it should be spoken by a young boy and certainly not one as angst-ridden as Robert.

I like the intriguing, understated narrative style you’ve chosen, it draws the reader in, hinting at what might be to come. I wondered at times, however, if this style means that your readers are kept too much at arm’s length from Robert and his character. I’d love to get inside his head just a little more, particularly in the scene at the diner where we’re first introduced to Milt. This feels like it could be made more dramatic by allowing us to see more of Robert’s reactions.

Milt

I found myself quite confused by the relationship between Milt and Robert. Your synopsis refers to them as having a ‘close relationship’, but their first exchange feels a little stilted and in parts maybe a bit unnatural. I wonder if it might be worth taking another look at the scene where we first meet Milt?

I also wondered if you might need more of a background to Robert and his work before we reach the point of meeting Milt. Why is it that this reporter is so open with him, and why is Robert so believing of what the reporter says?

Guan

I found myself really nicely surprised to meet Guan when he arrives in your narrative. The contrast between him and Robert is really well-handled, and on reading your synopsis (and therefore assuming it is him who dies) I found myself wishing we’d seen more of him at this point. The connection between him and Robert is really interesting and I also liked the dialogue and chemistry between Guan and Dan.



Pace

The action of the storm comes at exactly the right time and you’ve written a very exciting scene here. I almost didn’t want to leave the action to go back to Robert, but you handle this perfectly, creating some great drama and intrigue to make your readers want to carry on.

Synopsis

I read your synopsis after reading the extract and it made me wonder if the extract I’d read was actually the beginning of your novel or if I’d missed some background. I think the extract I read works as it is, but doesn’t quite match up with what you say in your synopsis.

The three-part structure and cast of inter-linking characters sounds extremely well thought out and very interesting and exciting (though I have to confess to being confused by Mary’s role), but it feels like a huge amount to fit into one novel, almost like three books in one. Obviously it’s hard to tell on what I have read, and I’m sure you’d write it wonderfully, but it might be worth thinking about maybe scaling back the early years of Tom’s life to allow more space for the rest of the novel.

And I think that’s everything! I hope there’s some useful stuff here. Overall, I really think you’ve done a really good job and I think this would definitely appeal to thriller fans.

Very best of luck with this, and the rest of your work.

Ruth



The Meter Man by Celia Micklefield

I haven’t read something as innovative as Meter Man for a long time. It’s witty, clever, touching and overall really well done. I enjoyed reading this very much - congratulations.

Your writing is so brilliantly descriptive of Stuart and Alison’s reaction to him; the little detail adds a real air of authenticity to the work and carries the reader along. The understated, present tense narrative does fit the story perfectly, though I did want to be let into Alison’s head, particularly a little more at points.

The narrative also means that Stuart’s accident, when it happens, is shocking and cleverly done. I do think the events here could benefit from being slowed slightly to avoid any confusion about what’s happening, but not slowed too much that the impact is lost.


Monday, Monday by Pam Howes

This is a very well-written feel-good short story that I enjoyed reading. You have done a great job of making your readers warm to, and connect with, Laura and this is maintained throughout the story. Your characterisation is great and Mrs Hennessey and later Sean are very realistic and well-perceived with nice, flowing dialogue.

I know you say at the end of your story that the story is what it is, but I do wonder if it is maybe just a little too slight? Your style is such that it makes readers want to continue and then it does feel as if we are cut short. I wonder if a compromise might be to introduce to another (or maybe two more) characters before we meet Sean to give a more complete picture of Laura’s new set-up?


The Strathbungo Cellists by Calum Stewart

This is a very intriguing and innovative piece of work that I did enjoy reading. Your dialogue feels very authentic and you write the relationship and chemistry between characters really very well. I did at times become a little confused by the passage of time and change in scenes and I wondered if you might want to address this so that your readers are carried with you, rather than having to work too hard.

You’ve created great characters, in Aulay and Eddie particularly. I did feel as know I needed to get to know Aulay a little better, however, as it is him who carries the story, and maybe knowing him and understanding his thoughts and reactions just a little better might make the switches between scenes a little less confusing.

You have mixed the shocking events with a matter-of-fact sense of humour and narrative style, which I think works well. I think with a bit of tightening, this could be a great story.

Hi Celia

Many thanks, and we will pass on your thanks to Ruth. One of the most enjoyable parts of this job is getting away from the admin and getting an opportunity to read different stories, so they are most appreciated.

Ted

Great review, Pam! Congrats! Good luck and let us know how it goes. Jen

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