Each month editors for leading publisher Random House provide feedback on the YouWriteOn Top Ten, including one indepth review, and three mini-reviews of Top Ten Stories.

The stories reviewed this month, reviews displayed below, are: A Quiet Street in Amsterdam, Resurrection, Soul to Soul, and Restless Apple Jackson Click here to view the opening chapters for Top Ten stories in 2009



A Quiet Street in Amsterdam by Andrew Wrigley

A novel about the clutches of the past. First draft was called Sarphatistraat.

Dear Andrew,


Congratulations on being selected for a professional critique, it's a great achievement on such a popular site. I really enjoyed reading A Quiet Street in Amsterdam - you have a really arresting opening chapter, a fascinating premise and the contrast between the noisy, hot streets of Buenos Aires and the cold, still streets of Amsterdam made for a very interesting piece of writing indeed. Your writing is already in very good shape but I hope that my comments will be useful as you continue to write, and will help you to develop the remainder of your novel.


Structure


The structure of your opening chapters is relatively straightforward although I see from your synopsis that you intend to also include a section narrated by the priest and I'm assuming that the third section will revert to being narrated by the three characters introduced in your first section rather than any new characters? You do need to be quite careful, when writing a story told by multiple narrators, to ensure that each character has their own, distinct voice and that the reader doesn’t become overwhelmed with keeping track of the different characters and what each ones knows about the others. Giving each narrator their own chapter is a very good idea as I wouldn't recommend switching between perspectives within chapters.


One aspect that would benefit from a little closer attention before you continue with your writing is how you convey switches in time. I found that in the first chapter, for example, I was quite confused about what was happening, when and this is something you really want to avoid, particularly at the very start of your novel where you’re trying to engage a reader’s interest. You open in the early hours of the morning, with the admiral reflecting that ‘Last Sunday had been difficult’ and then you then jump back to that Sunday but continue to write as if it were happening now, i.e. ‘He decided that, from now on’ rather than ‘He had decided’. Just a few paragraphs later we’re back with the admiral lying in bed, reflecting on his day but again you write as if events that happened earlier that day were happening as he lay in bed: ‘It looked like a nice clock…Then he wound up the clock’ which suggests that this is happening at the same time as Inés going to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Do try and resolve this by clearly indicating through your writing what is happening in the present and what in the past, you want your readers to be immersed in the story from the very first line, not puzzling over what has happened and what is happening.


One issue that did confuse me a little was that I assumed although there was no date given for the third chapter it was supposed to be happening in the same time period as Viviana's narrative was unfolding in Amsterdam. If this is the case shouldn't Maria Laura's narrative come before Viviana's chapter, as Maria Laura's chapter ends with Inés producing the plane ticket to Amsterdam and Viviana's chapter ends with Viviana recognizing Inés there in Amsterdam indicating it must have happened after Inés had met with Maria Laura?


Plot


I really enjoyed reading the opening of your novel and was disappointed it ended when I did it as I was intrigued to know what happened when Ines confronted Viviana in Amsterdam. Your premise, with the terrorist backstory, should make for a intriguing read, especially with your carefully contrasted characters and your engaging writing style. The opening chapter was very absorbing – you captured the moment when the admiral suddenly realized something was terribly wrong perfectly, I really felt my pulse quicken as I realized what was about to happen! Something you do extremely well is end each chapter with a revelation or mini cliff-hanger, which kept me hooked and eager to read on so do carry that on throughout the rest of your writing. My one concern is that you perhaps you have revealed a little too much, too early on in the novel – I wondered whether it would be better to just depict Viviana as paranoid about being followed and let the reader try and work out whether she was right to feel this way, rather than having her spot Ines in the shadows?

I also felt that the revelation of Ines' identity as Maria Laura's patient would come as more of a shock if the reader hadn't already learnt from Viviana's chapter that Ines was alive and well, and hadn't died after the bombing as they might have assumed.

In a similar vein, I wonder whether it might be worth be worth keeping the focus on Viviana in the earlier chapters rather than telegraphing the involvement of Father Patricio – I'm not sure exactly what his involvement is from what I've read so far but at this stage in your novel, it just seemed too much to have Maria Laura describe him as 'probably the most devious, evil creature' that she had ever met when presumably she still doesn’t know the extent of his involvement. You can still make sure he's included in your story, but to make it so clear, so early on, that he is the main villain seemed to be a missed opportunity to ratchet up the tension to me.


Characterisation


Having three such different female characters works extremely well in your novel, and focusing on two young women, damaged in different ways, and a successful, educated older woman will ensure your novel has a wider appeal than novels focused on just one character. Maria Laura’s perspective will bring a very different element to the story as she was not personally involved in the tragedy, but I was pleased to see you setting the story up as something of a battle between her and the priest as I think that will make for a fascinating read.

Random House Review continues next post

Dear Alison, at Random House,

Thank you very much for your review of the opening chapters of my novel Soul to Soul. I'm delighted with your insights into the characters and their relationships.
Other reviewers have also pointed out that I should make Elizabeth's memories more clear, perhaps by using italics. I will take on that piece of advice.

Many thanks!

Thanks also from me to both Ted and Alison. A very encouraging review, greatly appreciated. The Tower of Clavius Boon