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ProfessionalCritique

01 Sep 2009, 11:40

#70497

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Random House is the publisher of bestselling authors such as John Grisham and Bill Bryson. Each month on YouWriteOn editors from Random House provide an indepth critique of one highly rated Top Ten novel opening, and 3 mini-reviews of three other top ten stories.

Click here to view the excerpts from the stories below from the YouWriteOn Top Ten lists for 2009

Random House Editor's Critique of 13 by Chris Tinniswood

Dear Chris,

Congratulations on being selected for a professional critique, and well done on a gripping, interesting piece of work. I very much enjoyed reading 13, particularly as I am a children’s fiction editor so it really fell into my area of interest. You have done a great job, and I think all the elements are there for this to be a fantastic story. Mainly my comments concern areas that I think you could make more of and I hope my points are useful to you.

Characters:

You have done a fantastic job of creating two very different and well-drawn characters in Austin and Jordan. I think Jordan’s voice is particularly strong – a great contrast to Austin and a believable thirteen-year-old boy. I do think you could, if you have the space and word count to do so, allow your readers to get to know Jordan even better by showing us more of his reactions and responses to the events of the book.

I’m not completely sure that Austin comes across quite as strongly. I understand that part of this is obviously their characters and personalities, and the fact that Austin’s story is told in third rather than first person, but I do think Austin could do with being slightly less detached from the reader. Allowing us to see more of his personality, thoughts, feelings and reactions might do this. Just a few times, the third person perspective shifts away from Austin as the focus e.g. “Mr Jones stood there for a moment. Austin was not a child to make things up.” and later “yes, they agreed” and I think if you can avoid this, it will also help in allowing your readers to get to know the character you’ve created. We really want readers to care about him and his bullying plight and then later enjoy sharing his time-travelling secret with him, but I struggled with this at times as he seems quite cold, and possibly too formal in his thoughts and speech to be completely appealing. He is our good guy, after all, so we definitely want to be on his side!

Plot:

Your plot is excellent, and the twists and turns you have written are strong and work well. I do think that there are some areas of the story that need to be made clearer or made more prominent. Time travel is a fantastic hook for child readers, and you’ve put your plot in a great setting with a couple of good characters so I personally think that you could make even more of the time-travel element. Your excellently done prologue leads us to believe that the discovery of these ‘holes in time’ are the main focus of the book, but I found them actually getting slightly lost amongst the rivalry between Austin and Jordan, and then brushed over too quickly in the second half of the book with Austin’s back story. I wondered if you thought it might work to take some more time over some of the details of the time travelling and link it back to the prologue?

One way I did think you might be able to do this is if Austin did some research into time travel after he realises what has happened him. This way he could find out some information about holes in time. This would mean it was explained more clearly to your readers, would link the prologue to the main body of the text and show us more of Austin’s response to his discovery. This is obviously only a suggestion, I’m sure you’ve got many ideas of your own!

In the second half of Jordan’s section, when he meets the adult Austin I think that the plot might need slowing down a little. A lot seems to happen, and a lot of time passes in a very short amount of space in the book. I do think that the events suffer and are a little unclear as a result. Time travel and its effects are so fascinating, I think it would be good for your readers to see the huge effect time travelling has had on Jordan.

Drama:

Your writing is excellent throughout and you have crafted some very dramatic moments in 13, the first meeting between the adult Austin and Jordan particularly is very well done but I do think you could afford to make more of the drama throughout the story.

I think it would be great to have more of the drama and immediate action of the moment, and then the physical and mental effects, on both boys when and after they travel through the hole in house number 13, for example. And I also wondered if showing us a little more of the way in which Austin as a child struggles to deal with his discovery might be a good way of adding more drama too. At the moment he’s very quick to accept it and he doesn’t seem to find it either terrifying or brilliant, I think he’s possibly a little too calm!

Structure:

I really liked your prologue, and I think you’ve done a great job of grabbing and intriguing readers immediately. I like the tone and style and the way it’s so direct, it’s a brilliant way to start the book, well done.

I think the main thing I would say about the structure of the story concerns having Austin’s story first and then Jordan’s. I would definitely recommend working the Austin and Jordan narratives alongside each other and weaving them into each other a little more, maybe breaking up the section where Austin is thirteen with chunks of Jordan’s voice rather than having them one at a time. I think I’d also suggest that the narratives went chronologically rather than your readers having to make the big leap forward in time to meet the adult Austin and then the big leap back to meet Jordan. This is obviously again only an idea, but I do I think it could be really intriguing, and would move the plot forward well.

Just a tiny point, but I do think that the leap forward seems very sudden for the reader, they’re suddenly faced with a whole new character in the grown-up Austin. I wonder if a Thirteen years later, or something similar, at the start of the section might make this just a little clearer.

It’s fantastic, but I do think that Jordan’s section feels a little rushed in comparison to the initial set-up and the second leap forward in time in particular happens very quickly. The events in the second half of your story are even more dramatic than the first, and I really think the book would benefit from being slowed down and expanded in this half to show your reader how on earth Jordan copes with all that’s going on.

Format:

I notice that you see the book as a novella now, rather than a short story, and I do think I agree with this decision. I actually think that if you have the time and inclination you have enough plot to slow right down, go into more detail and allow it to become a full-length novel – your writing is certainly strong enough for this.

I do feel that I should just give you a word of warning, the short story area in this age group of the children’s market is a very difficult one. Buyers, retailers and customers are continually looking at value for money and though short stories are a genre of their own, they aren’t particularly popular for this reason. But having said this, yours is a very commercial idea, and I wish you the best of luck with it.

Synopsis:

I do like the extension you’ve suggested at the end of your synopsis, as I said earlier. I think we’d need to get right into the head of Jordan and find out how all the events have affected him, but I’m sure you’d write this additional really well and it intrigues me.

I thought you might be interested to know that we’ve done quite a lot of market research into titles and tag lines. I don’t know if you’ve heard of a book called Room 13 by Robert Swindells? It’s very different to your story, but it is one of Robert’s most successful novels and he is, of course, a great writer, but we do think the title has played its part in the book’s success. So congratulations, I think you have a very intriguing title that will catch readers’ interest and attention!

Critiques continue next post

This post was last edited by ProfessionalCritique, 23 Sep 2009, 22:36

ProfessionalCritique

01 Sep 2009, 11:40

#70498

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I did wonder about your tagline. While I think that One hole in time, two points of view . . . is good, I wonder if you could make it even more appealing. We’ve found that a call to action and a bit more of a hint about what’s inside the book work well commercially in a tagline. I wonder if something like An old, run-down house. A hole in time. Would you enter number thirteen? might work?

Target audience:

You mention in your pitch that you see 13 as teenage fiction. I’m not totally sure I agree. The content and style of the story happily has a much wider target audience, I think. Children tend to want to read about characters a little older than they are, so having Austin and Jordan as thirteen in the book would work quite well for readers of ten plus, I’d say.

I also wonder about having an adult voice (in the grown up Austin) and whether having an adult voice alters the target audience for you. The way you have written the moment between the adult Austin and the young Jordan is great as I said earlier, but I don’t think you would want more of this adult perspective. Children like to be able to imagine themselves in the story when they read, and it’s very difficult to do this with adult characters (which are why so many children’s books remove the adults through some devise or other!).

Congratulations again on a very exciting, accomplished piece of work which I very much enjoyed reading. I hope everything I’ve said makes sense, and I really do hope some of my comments and suggestions are useful for you. I wish you the very best of luck with everything. I think that with some expanding and the addition of a little more characterisation and drama 13 will be a very gripping story that will stand up well in the children’s market.

Very best wishes,

Ruth

Random House Children’s Books

Mini-Reviews

The Snip by Perry Iles Short Story

I thought this was a very funny, accomplished piece of writing that actually made me laugh out loud! Your writing style and tone are very readable and commercial, but also tight, creative and really well done. I very much enjoyed reading it.

You have created some vivid characters and they really do come to life – helped by your wonderfully observed dialogue and dialect. I’m sure it is a conscious decision, but I did wonder whether it would be nice to have just slightly more of your narrator’s personality throughout The Snip. I did feel as though I wanted to get to know him as well as his wife, Malkie and Laura.

I think your pacing and structure are great and this was a very satisfying short read – many congratulations and the best of luck.

Let Me Think by Joe 90

I thought this was a really intriguing story with an innovative plot and I enjoyed reading it. I also think your writing style is great, carrying the reader along with it as any good thriller should do.

You’ve created some very vivid characters, particularly in Paul, Sir Ian and Candace, and I wanted to get to know them better. I also wanted to know much more about certain details of the plot, particularly the relationship and those intriguing middle scenes between Paul and Candace. I actually think that there’s enough plot in this short story for a novel, and I really do feel the story would benefit from being expanded. At the moment lots of exciting and dramatic events are brushed over very quickly, meaning that certain explanations are a little unclear. Your writing is certainly strong enough to carry through a lengthier piece of work, but obviously this is only a suggestion.

This is a really interesting twist on a thriller – congratulations!

Route 62 by Yolanda Cottrell Short Story

This is a beautifully written and well-crafted story that I relished reading. I think it revealed and hinted at enough whilst keeping some things from the reader – a very difficult thing to accomplish.

The opening is highly atmospheric and gripping, creating a great setting for the story, and this carries throughout giving the whole thing a lovely feel. This is matched by your structure, which I think is excellent – the pacing is really nicely done. Just as you want the plot to get moving, it does.

I would just say that I’m not really sure you need to explain the South African words at the end of your story. I think you write well enough that the meaning is clear in the story. Somehow adding this at the end takes away from the completeness I felt when I finished reading.

Congratulations.

Joe 90

02 Sep 2009, 10:16

#70650

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Hi there. Sorry I'm guessing - is it Ruth?

Thank you for your review of 'Let me think.' I read your remarks with a nod of agreement. As with many of my short stories the ideas are sometimes bigger than the format will fully support, so I would love to expand the ideas. Really I suppose I'm just waiting for the confidence to have another go. Your review has helped me immensely.

Best wishes

Joe 90

my website

my website

ProfessionalCritique

23 Sep 2009, 22:35

#72022

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IDUNNO JENKINS AND THE RIVER OF NO RETURN

Dear Anna

Congratulations on being selected for the professional critique. I think you’ve made a good start. It’s intriguing and sure to draw the reader in to the world of Idunno and then Camelittle. Idunno’s an interesting character right from the beginning and I feel that by the end of the sample chapters we’re just about to learn a lot more about him and the world he comes from. I like the Welsh setting and the lovely gentle opening. I think the reader can imagine Honeysuckle Farmhouse nestled among the Welsh hills and valleys.

Plot and structure

Broadly speaking I think the structure works so far, however it did seem a little odd to me that Mr and Mrs Jenkins don’t really seem to query where Idunno has come from during the four years that he’s with them. I think that perhaps a nod towards this would be enough to satisfy the curious reader.

I think these first few chapters set the scene well and introduce the readers to the central characters, whilst also containing a fair amount of action. There were a couple of things I wasn’t quite clear about, which it might be an idea to offer some sort of explanation for. I wasn’t sure why Idunno had been trying so hard to hide his abilities at school. Why would it matter if he was top of the class? His teachers would just think he was clever, it wouldn’t necessarily be any indication that he was more substantially different, ie. came from another world would it? I also wasn’t sure how the fairground fitted in to the entire story. Why is Idunno being transported back to his own home now? Mrs Jenkins mentions a castle, which Idunno doesn’t seem to have heard of in the four years that he’s lived with them and which isn’t mentioned again. Is this Camelittle? How are the two linked? Perhaps you go on to answer some of these questions later in the novel, but if not it might be a good idea to at least bare them in mind as something readers might be asking themselves.

Tone

I think whilst you have a readable style, the overall tone of the piece perhaps felt a little old fashioned in places and perhaps too knowing for today’s younger reader. I felt that some of the expressions, especially ones used by the children in the playground scene, aren’t really things children of that age would say to each other nowadays. It might be an idea to change expressions like: ‘ . . . we don’t like new bugs who try to be funny . . .’ Expressions like: ‘a bit more’n average’, ‘fairly far out’ struck me maybe as things adults trying to fit in with kids might say, rather than children themselves.

I might be wrong, but to me as a children’s books editor the conversations between the children didn’t feel quite snappy and quick enough for the children of today. That said it may be that you are deliberately trying to create a gentle, almost nostalgic story, which harks back to days gone by.

The way Mr and Mrs Jenkins speak to each other was also rather old fashioned, but I think having Mrs Jenkins commenting on this and the fact that they have grown up children means that this doesn’t stand out as much and makes sense in the context of who they are.

Characterisation

I think your characterisation of Idunno is good. The reader has a sense of what he’s like when Mr Jenkins discovers him in the tree house. I think we can tell from his school reports that he becomes a good but average student. It might be nice to have a bit more of a description of his physical appearance four years later.

It would also be good to have a little more description of Mr and Mrs Jenkins too and also of the boys in Idunno’s class and in particular the ones that bully him. We aren’t really told much about what these characters look like and we also aren’t told that much about their motivations, aside from Beefy Williams.

Gerald and Douglas are rather quirky characters. I didn’t quite understand the confusion over their names – why the one who was tall was called a ‘dwarf’ and the one who was short was called a ‘giant’. There may be a reason for the initial confusion which I might have missed or which you could perhaps add so that the reader understands a little more fully.

Setting

As I mentioned above I like that this is set initially in Wales. I don’t tend to read that many children’s stories set there and it’s a nice change to read one that is. I think your opening description of Mr Jenkins walking past the old tree house is great and leads the reader into the story. A little more description of the fairground might add colour to that section. I’m sure from the descriptions these few chapters contain of Camelittle, that that will be an interesting and original setting.

Genre/Market

It’s always important to have the reader in mind when you write and I think it would perhaps be worth thinking about your target audience and where you see this in the market. I think this would appeal to both boys and girls who like gentle fantasy stories. It might also be a good idea to consider what the unique selling point for your story would be. We receive so many manuscripts every week that the one that really stands out as different is often the one that will grab out attention.

I do hope these notes have been helpful. Good luck with the writing – I hope you continue to enjoy it.

All best wishes

Clare, Random House

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