New Random House Critiques - January Top Ten 2010

Many congratulations to Avery, Random House has asked to see more of his novel. Thank you very much to everyone for your stories, and with Orion wanting to see more last month of a top ten story writer this shows the standard that all the writing is at.


Random House are the publisher of bestselling authors such as John Grisham and Terry Pratchett. Each month on YouWriteOn editors from Random House and Orion provide an indepth critique of up to three highly rated YouWriteOn Top Ten novel openings, and mini-reviews of the rest of the top ten stories.

Click here to view the story extract links for the stories reviewed below which are listed under January on the top ten stories list page for 2010

Random House reviews this month: A Curious Insertion – Avery Mathers, Some Times by James Natto, Granny Greenslade and her Grumpy Great Granddaughter by Katrina Twitchett, Two Tales by Lee Williams





A Curious Insertion – Avery Mathers

Congratulations on being selected for a critique this month and when I started reading I could certainly see why you’d impressed your fellow authors! Your writing is very professional and the sense of atmosphere and period that you conjured up was wonderful. Choosing a real life person on whom to centre your novel can be very tricky but I think you managed extremely well, with Dickens really coming to life on the page in a matter of paragraphs.

Plot

The chapters I read certainly ended on an exciting moment and I really wanted to read on and find out what happened to Dickens, which is exactly the kind of reaction you want to evoke in your readers! However, although I very much enjoyed what I was reading the pace of these opening chapters did feel quite slow to me; this will not necessarily be a problem for all readers as you've done some excellent scene setting to lead up to a point where the narrative then does take a turn for the dramatic, but it might be worth bearing in mind that some readers may find the pace a little too slow for them, especially as we don't really have a sense of where the story will be heading. I would suggest that you focus on how you can create more of a sense of tension and one option would be to have Dickens fretting over getting back to Glasgow and wondering exactly what is behind the doctor's mysterious invitation. After all your readers are likely to assume that something, whether bad or good, will happen at the asylum but you can help increase that sense of anticipation by having Dickens himself wondering what all this is leading towards and when he can return to the city.

Another element to consider would be the 'guests' that Dickens meets – both of the guests are very calm and restrained so the reader doesn't feel particularly disturbed by them, even though Dickens is obviously shocked by what he sees. If either guest was a little more threatening, rather than tragic, your chapters would feel much more tense so this may be worth some further attention.

Quality of writing
I was really impressed with your writing – it was generally of a very high standard indeed. Your writing style is quite formal, which reflects the period in which your book is set, but do take care not to use 'literary' language at the expense of clearly conveying your meaning. For example, your use of 'genuflexion' in the second page jarred with me, and I had to stop to think what you meant rather than just being swept along by your language. In a similar vein, your description of Sarah Stapleton's portrait as 'surpassingly beautiful' doesn't quite work for me, it just seemed a touch hyperbolic: perhaps 'exceedingly beautiful' might work better?
One query I had was over the description of the asylum – Dickens arrives at the front of the building, and describes the building's physical appearance. Once he is inside Stapleton's office Dickens then comments that outside, 'at the front of the building two dozen or more people strolled in the sunshine' but wouldn't he have seen those people when he drove up the driveway and commented on them then?

Setting
The description of the asylum is very well done; I particularly enjoyed the chilling end of chapter two where the complete and utter silence is far more effective than any descriptions of wailing and screaming would have been. The curving corridor was an excellent touch – the idea that anything could lie just beyond is a wonderful gift to a writer and I'd have loved to see you make a little more of the sense of apprehension Dickens must have felt at this point. You are very careful to keep your writing controlled but I'd have thought you could still have kept that sense of restraint and played a little more on your character, and reader's, fears about what could lie beyond.

There was a very skilled use of period detail in your chapters, writers of historical fiction often load their narrative with so many period details that they completely overwhelm the story they are trying to tell but you were careful to only include the odd touches your readers will need to set the scene in their mind.

Characterisation
Your characterisation is generally excellent; I think most, if not all, of your readers will have their own mental image of Dickens already but I was very impressed with how successfully you fleshed him out with some deceptively simple lines. His response to the porter for example. 'And is her perhaps a generous gentleman?' beautifully captured his dry sense of humour but also his intelligence and wit.
I was particularly impressed with your paragraph detailing Dickens' thoughts on reading Dr Stapleton's card, where he ponders whether Dr Stapleton felt his asylum needed reform, whether he thought it already was reformed or whether reform was completely unnecessary. Paragraphs such as these clearly underline the importance of an editor's constant injunction to show, rather than tell. You don't need to tell us that Dickens is intelligent, curious, interested and, perhaps, a little cynical because your writing shows the reader exactly that. Well done!

Conclusion
This is a wonderful start to a novel and both the plot and the quality of your writing were of a very high standard. I really enjoyed reading your early chapters and would have quite happily read more if there had been more to read! I do think you could make your novel's opening chapters even more gripping if you were to focus your attention on how to increase a sense of tension so that even before the plot has taken off, with Dickens left imprisoned in one of the cells, we are compelled to keep reading. Your writing is very elegant and controlled but don't be afraid to make the most of your setting and raise questions in the readers' minds, questions that will make them want to read more and discover the horrors that lie within the asylum.

Continues next post

Thank you to the reader for this critique.

There were some queries in it, to which these are the replies.

The Tranquillity Suite is not in the hospital, but in the hospice. It is used for dying in, as the name might suggest, which is why it gets cold so quickly, and why parents might find it upsetting.

The NHS is overstretched and understaffed, so it is very common for parents not only to do, but to be asked to do, routine tasks for their sick children. It may be unofficial, but it happens all the time.

I don't understand what is so sophisticated about "I felt scared."

With many thanks again,

James

Well done, Avery - what exciting news. I remember reading 'A Curious Insertion' a while back and becoming totally absorbed in it. All the best, Clair www.clairhumphries.com

Well done you guys. I wish you all the very best for the future. Hey saucy, that's the best offer I've had all night.

Brilliant news, Avery! 'A Curious Insertion' deserves all the success it can get.



Please pass on my thanks to the reader, Ted, for the very kind and encouraging crit of 'Two Tales'. Greatly appreciated. The Tower of Clavius Boon