New Random House & Orion Critiques - December 2009

Random House & Orion are the publisher of bestselling authors such as John Grisham, Ian Rankin, and Bill Bryson. Each month on YouWriteOn editors from Random House and Orion provide an indepth critique of up to three highly rated YouWriteOn Top Ten novel openings, and mini-reviews of the rest of the top ten stories.

Click here to view the story extract links for the stories reviewed below which are listed under December on the top ten stories list page for 2009



Random House Editor Reviews for December 2009: Tinkerman by Rich Hawkins , The Beast Next Door by Susan Howe, Recovery by Patricia J. Delois, Changes by Lee Williams

Tinkerman by Rich Hawkins

Dear Rich

Congratulations on being selected for the professional critique. I really enjoyed the first few chapters of Tinkerman and think they form a very promising start to what I’m sure will be an intriguing thriller. These opening chapters really do set the scene and introduce the reader to the central characters. I think your characterisation is good, particularly of Frank. I can really picture him – an older gentleman who has sadly lost his wife, Catherine, and many of his friends. He cuts a slightly lonely figure, with seemingly just Boomer, his dog left. He does seem a sensible no-nonsense sort of chap though, which make his visions all the more frightening and convincing.

Structure
I think the way you’ve chosen to structure Tinkerman is really interesting. At first I wasn’t quite sure it worked, but the more I read the more I became convinced that it did work to jump between both time and character focus. As long as you stick to a few central characters – say Ben and Frank and don’t move around in time too frequently I think this could be a really effective and intriguing way to structure a thriller. I really wanted to know how Ben and Frank were linked. I assumed from the rabbit story that Frank decided to stop using his gift from that point onwards and it’s only now that he’s beginning to see odd visions again? I think you perhaps need to focus on one character for a fair length of time too before jumping back to another perspective so that the reader has time to engage with each story before they come together. So far, I think you’re doing this successfully and I think the structure you’ve chosen really does help to ramp up the tension and keep the reader’s interest.

Tone
I think you’ve hit the right tone so far – this is a thriller and the opening is intriguing and tense, but not so much so that you don’t leave yourself room to increase the tension still further. I think you’ve hit the right balance between introducing the characters, hinting that strange events are taking place, but haven’t taken this too far yet so it still all feels believable. You’re drawing the reader in cleverly. I want to read on, even though I’m beginning to feel a little worried about what might happen – Frank is seeing things and not pleasant things, Ben has been kidnapped and perhaps killed . . . I want to know how the two are linked and what happens to both Frank and Ben and also who the strange boy is. I think you’ve hit just the right tone here – creepy but not unbelievable.

Characterisation
In the chapters we have you focus on a couple of characters and in fact one in more depth than the rest. Frank is a well-drawn character, we empathise with him, sense that he’s lost not just his wife, but gradually as he gets older, he’s losing his friends too. As I mentioned earlier he seems like a logical individual and I didn’t think his visions were at all linked to any sort of dementia – this may be because we already know from the first chapter that Frank has experienced strange things before now. I very much liked the way you took the reader through where Frank lives and described his home – this emphasised to me Frank’s age and loneliness. I also liked the way you introduced us to Royce at the start and then later we find it is Royce who is being buried – I think this helps the reader care more for Frank because he’s burying someone we already know too.
I’m sure we’ll hear more about Ben later, but thus far I think the reader has a fair idea of what he’s like. He, like Frank, seems to have something slightly odd/special about him – he runs off on his own, when the sun is setting to see a large flock of birds. We’re not sure why he does this, particularly because he’s been told not to go out after dark by his parents, but it seems like he’s drawn to the flock of birds. Already there appears to be something strange about Ben and when he’s snatched the reader is left wondering whether his kidnappers know there is something otherworldly about him and whether it’s for this reason that he’s been snatched.

Setting
The setting so far is great – it feels generally creepy and dark. Frank lives alone in a small house which feels like it is set apart from others. Ben follows the flock of birds down a narrow road and into a wood – woods in the dark can feel very menacing, shadows seem to move and creatures wake and make strange noises. I think the setting – the wood, the darkness, the cathedral looming in the background is great. It really helps to emphasise the odd events and a sinister undertone. The funeral too feels lonely and is in a cold churchyard at the end of the day as the light is about to fade.

Plot
I’m really keen to see quite what’s going to happen and how Frank and Ben are linked. I’d also like to know why Ben’s so drawn to the flock of birds and whether that has anything to do with why he’s been kidnapped. I think the fact that I want answers to all of these questions shows just how well you’ve set up the start of this thriller. I think the plotting is good – as I mentioned earlier in the structure section, maybe be careful not to over complicate things, but so far you haven’t and I can’t see why you would going forward.

Genre/Market
It’s always important to have the reader in mind when you write and I can see this story falling squarely into the thriller/horror genre. There are a lot of great thriller and horror writers out there and many of them have very loyal followings and write prolifically – a number of thriller writers seem to develop a central character that the reader can then identify with in successive novels. I’d be interested to see how the horror element develops alongside the thriller element which is perhaps slightly more evident at the start of the novel.

I did really enjoy the first chapters of Tinkerman and do hope the rest continues in a similar vein. I think your real strength is your ability to create believable characters and also the way you build up the tension. A great start!

With all best wishes,
Clare, Editor, Random House

Orion Editor Critiques – Orion is the publisher of bestselling authors such as Ian Rankin, Maeve Binchy and Michael Palin. One of their editors critiqued our Book of the Year Award winner in its development stage as a YouWriteOn top ten chart entry, this resulted in a book deal for the author with Orion.

Click here to view the story extract links for the stories reviewed below which are listed under December on the top ten stories list page for 2009

Orion Editor Reviews for December 2009: Dead in the Water by B Woolland, Limbo by Andrew Wrigley, Considerate Vera by Paula Daly and The End-of-the-Pier Show by Derek Haycock

Dead in the Water by B Woolland

Dear Brian

Congratulations on being selected for a professional critique through YouWriteOn. I really enjoyed reading your sample chapters of DEAD IN THE WATER. I was impressed with the confidence of your writing. While I don’t think the material so far needs a huge amount of re-working, as it is already in fairly good shape, I hope these notes will give you some editorial pointers on what can be honed and polished in the existing chapters, and what to pay attention to as the story progresses.

Plot:
The subject matter is very topical, given than environmental issues are at the forefront of many political parties’ policies and terrorism is a threat that, while having receded somewhat since 9/11 and the London July bombings, still lingers in the public consciousness.

I thought the opening was solid but could have been stronger: you introduce Rachel as the protagonist, set the scene, and make clear that all is not well in this woody paradise. Yet I did feel that the attack came a little too early on. It was hard to get a real sense of Rachel’s fragile place in this community and the tentative relationships she had forged with the indigenous inhabitants. And as such, the potential emotional impact wasn’t fully capitalised on. Xiomara’s murder should be a shocking event, but given that the reader knows nothing of her of Rachel’s connection to her, it fails to deliver the drama that it should. Yes, you need to grab your reader’s attention early on with something that will make them sit up and get them on the edge of their seats, especially when you’re writing a political thriller, but you need them to feel invested in the story and characters by this point. You could always incorporate a prologue – something that is dramatic, thrilling and enigmatic enough to make the reader want to turn the page and read on. This is a familiar literary device in many thrillers and works as an effective hook. But this is only a suggestion, of course.

Mark’s storyline brings what is happening to Rachel into both sharp political focus, given that he reports to the PM, but also adds a personal edge as Mark, as her father, is emotionally involved in Rachel’s dangerous predicament. After the dramatic opening, I liked that Mark’s narrative thread opened with a charged ‘romantic’ dinner; while very little happens in terms of plot, much is divulged about Mark as a character. There are lots of loaded questions and silences that speak volumes. The minor car crash with the female driver instantly sets alarm bells ringing in the reader’s head. Whether this is founded or not remains to be seen, but enigmatic moments keeps the narrative pacy and the reader engaged. And added to this is the bombings in London that opens up the story in scope and also highlights just how vulnerable Mark really is.
As your synopsis states, their individual storylines will become more and more tangled until both Rachel and Mark are at the forefront of the action together as the novel builds towards it denouement. Given the genre that you are writing in, it is important that the politics at hand don’t overshadow the narrative or hinder the pace, but at the same time, they have to be integral enough and important enough for both characters to put their lives at risk for.

Structure:
I liked how this was a story of two halves: male/female; father/daughter; inner-governmental London/Venezualan rainforest. This makes for an interesting dichotomy that tries to show the story from both angles. Interweaving the two narrative strands should help to keep the narrative momentum zipping along and ensure that the reader never tires of one storyline. But it is important that one narrative strand doesn’t take precedence over the other, otherwise the reader may well invest in one storyline more strongly than the other, and find themselves skimming over the other one in their race to find out what happens. In a thriller of this nature, the pace and suspense is often aided by short, snappy chapters that end on moments of intrigue or even cliffhangers.

Characterisation:
Rachel is an engaging character but as the ‘heroine’ of the story, I didn’t find her compelling enough in these opening pages. Of course she is supposed to be portrayed as an average anthropology student who then becomes tested to her limits, but she has be distinct and individual with something that sets her apart if she is to carry half of the emotional weight of the story.

While Mark is a slightly less likeable figure given his relationship with another woman, in comparison to Rachel, there was something more fascinating and intriguing about him as a character in these early chapters. He seems like a man who’s rarely ruffled, so it will be interesting to see how he handles extreme pressure in his career, especially when his daughter is involved. He will probably have the greatest character arc of the two, although Rachel will experience the toughest physical journey of the pair.

It seems both Jose and Jeremy will become key figures in Rachel’s storyline. It is hard to gauge from your synopsis alone, but Rachel’s relationship with Jose has much dramatic and romantic potential, especially given their desperate, emotionally-heightened situation. You need to explore this partnership if it is to pack the emotional punch that it could when Jose dies. Rachel reaches Jeremy when she is probably at her most vulnerable and weakest point, so their meeting has to rejuvenate her enough to compell her to struggle on to London. Like Jose, it is important that Jeremy doesn’t feel like a plot convenience, but a fleshed-out character.

Tone:
The tone inevitably shifts between storylines, but there is a faint air of menace in both that will undoubtedly intensify as the action kicks in. Paranoia will also begin to set in as Rachel wonders just who she can trust and Mark’s colleagues begin to turn on him. This creeping sense of paranoia should infect the reader too, so they begin to question everything and everyone, as it is clear that there are unseen hands pulling strings from all directions.

Setting:
The Venezualan rainforest is vividly brought to life on page. You describe the sights, sounds and smells of the forest so clearly that the reader is almost instantly immersed in this world.

While most readers are intimately familiar with London, I still think there should be some description of the London that Mark inhabits. You want the reader to be able to visualise his world, rather than just conjure up a stereotypical image of London.

Genre/Market:
This is a political thriller but one that I think falls a little short of being either strictly commercial fiction or literary fiction, but would fall under that wide umbrella of ‘general fiction’. It is likely to appeal to readers who want something that goes some way in challenging them and is thought-provoking, yet is not too heavy-going. I think you need to work on making your story more accessible and Rachel a more intriguing protagonist, and I’m sure that this would appeal to a wider demographic. Given that the two protagonists are male and female, I think you will also achieve a cross-gender appeal.
Conclusion:

I hope these notes have been helpful to you. As I have said before, DEAD IN THE WATER is already in really good shape. Hopefully with a little more polishing, it will really leap off the page. I wish you the best of luck in making that happen, and hope you continue to enjoy writing.

Best wishes

Natalie Braine, Editor, Orion

Ted, I'm absolutely delighted with the Professional Criticism of The Beast Next Door. Please pass on my appreciation to Clare at Random House, and take some for yourself too!

Just a query - Reality TV ended at number 5 and I had a mini-crit for it from an Orion Editor the previous month when it finished at number 10, with which I was also thrilled. Do shorts no longer qualify for two mini-crits if they are in the top ten twice? It's not a matter of life-and-death, just a question.

Many thanks for making all this possible,
Sue the long and the short of it

Triclops: a collection of forty short stories by Avery Mathers, Susan Howe and Lee Williams.

Thanks Ted, and please pass on the same to Natalie. Fear of fatherhood is the answer to her question.

Andrew Memory... What was that?

Thank you Ted, and please pass on my gratitude to Clare. Much appreciated.

Lee The Tower of Clavius Boon