New Random House & Orion Critiques

Random House & Orion are the publisher of bestselling authors such as John Grisham, Ian Rankin, and Bill Bryson. Each month on YouWriteOn editors from Random House and Orion provide an indepth critique of up to three highly rated Top Ten novel openings, and mini-reviews of the rest of the top ten stories.

Click here to view the story extract links for the stories reviewed below which are listed under November on the top ten stories list page for 2009



Random House Editor Reviews for November 2009: Sha'Di and the Eagle, The Cruelty of Boys, Death to DeVito and Limbo:



Professional critique of Sha'Di and the Eagle


Dear David,

Many congratulations on being chosen for a professional critique. I very much enjoyed reading Sha’Di and the Eagle, and found it to be an intriguing, innovative piece of work. I particularly enjoyed reading this as I am a children’s fiction editor and so it fell into my area of interest.

I think you have some fantastic elements in here that go towards making this a wonderful story and for the most part, my comments are about making more of what is already in there. These are obviously only my thoughts and suggestions, but I hope they might help you shape the book into a more rounded whole, and I do hope you find them useful.

Sha’Di

I think you have created a potentially great heroine in Sha’Di, and I love your idea (as you mention in your covering note) that you are writing about a girl who lives in a culture so alien to UK readers but one who has universally human – and universally teenage – characteristics and concerns.

As she stands at the moment, I’m not sure Sha’Di totally achieves what you want her to as a character. I love the fact that she wants to change her name to Maybelline after she’s seen on television, but other than flashes like this she seems very old-fashioned, old-headed, calm cool and collected, and almost too distanced from her readers for them to completely connect and empathise with her. At the opening of chapter two, for example, Sha’Di tells us that she places the jewellery in a secret place, but she doesn’t tell us what or where this secret place is. It feels as though we as readers are being kept in the dark as to her inner thoughts and feelings. I feel we need to be allowed to get to know Sha’Di a little better and be taken into her confidence slightly more in order for us to trust her, believe in and completely be on her side.

Narrative
There are some beautiful, very atmospheric moments in the section of Sha’Di and the Eagle I have read. Having the narrative in the present tense as you have written, does add an element of intrigue and immediacy fitting brilliantly with the mystical realism strand to your plot. However, I do think you could afford to make your narrative a little softer, maybe more intimate, adding in more details about the setting and your characters, and also allowing us into Sha’Di’s thoughts and feelings.

Setting
There is huge potential in the North American setting you have given your book but at the moment I don’t feel you exploit this quite enough. I’d love to be able to imagine this unfamiliar landscape and scenery in more detail, as well as the Navajo people which Sha’Di is a part of. In the section I have read, we don’t get a sense of the Navajo community or a complete impression of how their lives differ to our own and I really think these details would be fascinating to your readers.

There seems to be a contrast between how poor Sha’Di and her family initially seem – having to make and sell jewellery to passing travellers – and the things they have –a TV, a truck etc. Just a little more information and detail would really help make your setting come alive, I think.

Magical Realism
I love this strand to the book and it works well as a means of having Sha’Di explore the way she feels about her home and her life. I think at times, at the moment, this strand is a little confusing, however. I understand that you’ll want to keep some ambiguity, but I wonder if it is possible for you to go slightly further towards explaining what exactly is going on between the girl and the eagle. Sha’Di seems to switch from being in tune with the eagle (and it almost seems as though she has become the bird at certain points) to being back to her normal self very quickly and I think this is potentially a little confusing for your readers. In chapter one you say: ‘she can see herself through the eyes of the bird’ for example, but this differs from later when she discovers she can control her mother’s thoughts and actions somehow. What exactly is the nature of her power?

It might work to have Sha’Di question what is happening to her a little more. Through her questioning and reasoning, the reader could question and learn along with her. At the moment Sha’Di seems to accept what is happening to her in a very calm and collected manner. She doesn’t appear to be surprised by the hold this bird seems to have over her and the later by the power she has over her mother’s thoughts. Because we are distanced from her narratively, we don’t have access to any of her internal thoughts and feelings and so we have no idea how she is handling all this. With her having these apparently magical powers, she seems even more alien to us. It would be good, I think, to see her struggle to deal with what’s happening a little more.

Craig

Falling in love is obviously a universal emotion, and it fits perfectly with your exploration of a teenage girl to have a male love interest. And I love the idea of him being somebody of a higher class. As with Sha’Di herself, I think you could potentially allow your readers to get to know Craig a little better, or at least allow us to see Sha’Di’s feelings about him more clearly. Does her heart beat faster when he’s around, for example? It would be lovely to know a little more about him so we can understand and appreciate why she likes him so much.




Grandfather
As with Craig, and with Sha’Di herself, I think the grandfather could be a wonderful character in this story, but I wanted to see more of him. What is ShaDi’s relationship with her grandfather like? Are they close already, before she begins to realise that he may be in tune with her new powers? We don’t see any real interaction between them, so it’s hard to tell how she feels about her grandfather. Maybe just a little more background to their relationship would be nice?

Pacing
At the moment, the pace of the story I have read so far feels quite slow. In a way, this seems to fit with the pace of North American life and it does fit with the atmosphere you’ve created, but teenager readers are often not the most patient and need to be drawn in very quickly to the action. I wondered whether slightly shifting the structure of your opening section so that the sound of the gunshot and the squeal of the bird happen first, before we see or hear of Craig might be a slightly more powerful opening?

Target readership
I wondered who exactly you had in mind as your target readership for this book. You’ll notice that earlier I referred to teenage readers. I do feel that the pace, complexity and nature of this story – as well as obviously the age of your heroine – is all geared towards teen readers, and yet this seems to be slightly at odds with the narrative. The naivety of your narrative and the lack of detail hint at a younger reader. I think if you did decide to add in more detail to your story and allow us to get to know Sha’Di as a teenager a little better, this might make your target reader slightly more consistent.

Your Pitch

It’s interesting that you see your work as twelve stories – does this mean your aim is to try and get them published separately? I very much felt like the work I read was one section of a bigger whole – and this is also the impression I got from your synopsis too. This section didn’t quite feel like enough of a story in itself to standalone. I wanted to read on and find out what happened (a very positive thing!), more like a chapter in a book than a standalone story. If you did decide to aim your work squarely at teen readers it may be worth considering one book rather than twelve short stories.

As I said earlier, I enjoyed reading Sha’Di and the Eagle and I found myself swept along by the world you have created. Please don’t be put off by the amount of notes I have made here, the comments are really all things already present in your work that I think you could make more of and I wanted to make this critique a useful one.

I hope all this has been useful and I wish you he very best of luck in all your work.

Ruth Knowles

Random House Children’s Books

Orion Editor Reviews for November 2009 – Dark Shadow, Donny, Billy Button: Superhero, Granny Greenslade and Her Grumpy Great Granddaughter, Missing Mum, Reality TV


Dark Shadow by Karen Milner

Dear Karen

Congratulations on being selected for a professional critique by your writing peers at YouWriteOn. I really enjoyed reading your sample pages of DARK SHADOW and was impressed by the confidence of your writing. While I don’t think the material so far needs a massive amount of reworking as it is already in good shape, what I hope these editorial notes will provide you with is some useful pointers as to how you can hone and develop the existing chapters, and what to pay attention to as the novel progresses.

Structure:

It is difficult to comment upon the general structure of your story from these pages alone; also, your synopsis isn’t detailed enough to indicate precisely how the narrative will progress. It is worth bearing in mind that if you intend to submit your material to a publisher, most houses accept only a synopsis and the first three chapters, so it is important that your synopsis fully details how the story will continue for the reader to get a real sense of the style and direction of your novel.

The prologue is clearly set in a vastly different landscape to the main narrative strand, and it is this opening scene that will hover over the unfolding story as the reader waits to discover just how these two narrative threads are connected. The opening of Lucinda’s storyline seems quite linear in structure, and from what I can gather from your synopsis, the narrative will have a clear story arc as Lucinda sets about discovering her ancestry and looks ahead to a new future.

There is the opportunity here to incorporate flashbacks and sub-plots into your narrative – not only do such devices add variation and texture to what could essentially be a very linear story, it can also provide relief to the main storyline and ensure the reader never tires of your story. Many aspiring writers overlook how important structure is, and this can affect the pace, direction and focus of the narrative. If you don’t have a solid, sound structural skeleton, your novel can feel directionless and baggy.

Plot:

I found the prologue intriguing and, whilst nothing much happens, it is strangely dramatic, thanks to the stormy backdrop and enigmatic actions of this unknown figure. The opening deftly hooks the reader in and makes them want to read more. However, as above with my comments on the structure, it is hard to get a real sense of how the plot will develop after these early pages, as the synopsis isn’t particularly comprehensive. It sounds as if the plot will be quite episodic, which is no bad thing, but you have to ensure it has pace and real narrative drive to keep the pages turning. My main concern was that these early pages felt a little rushed in terms of plot. In just over twenty pages, Luce has a panic attack, her husband leaves her, and paranormal occurrences start to take place in her house. Not only did this feel unrealistic, it also doesn’t give the reader a chance to immerse themselves in the story and engage with the characters before the main action kicks in, therefore their response to these events will be compromised. You want your plot to feel pacy, but this isn’t achieved by the narrative being overloaded with dramatic incidents. Less is often more, especially for a supernatural thriller. There needs to be a real build up, in terms of tension, suspense and atmosphere. While the pages that follow Tim’s departure are eerie, I think this scene could be more drawn out. Too much happens too quickly, and this actually does a disservice to your story. Given the genre of the novel, I think the narrative would benefit from a slow-burning, gradual approach in these early pages. You need to hook the reader by intriguing them, slowly set the tone of the narrative, and introduce the setting and characters. Perhaps Luce could initially dismiss the strange occurrences as her overactive imagination or even shock following Tim’s unexpected departure, and really get the reader on the edge of their seat as you ratchet up the tension.

Your synopsis hints that the narrative will switch gear when Luce begins to unearth facts about her ancestry. It is important that this shift in plot and tone doesn’t feel jarring for the reader. While this section will inevitably feel different in tone, it should still maintain a sense of urgency. I did wonder how you would achieve this. After such a tense opening, it is important that the middle chunk of the narrative doesn’t lose momentum or potency. This is something you should consider before you begin writing this section. One option that will help maintain the suspense would be the use of a ‘ticking clock’ device; i.e. Luce has to find answers about her past before something terrible happens. This has to feel convincing and believable for it to work, though, and of course is only a suggestion.

Characterisation:

I think characterisation is one area that needs particular attention as it very much feels as if plot is taking precedence over character. One of my biggest concerns is that because the reader is not fully invested in Lucinda’s story at this early juncture, the dramatic event of her husband leaving her doesn’t pack the emotional punch it should. It feels rushed and underwhelming. More flashbacks incorporated into the main narrative could help with this, as they could potentially offer an insight into Luce and Tim’s shared past, and give the reader a real sense of their history and early commitment.
Coupled with this is the fact that I found Lucinda quite a hard character to warm to. You don’t really get under her skin in these early pages, so not only did I not empathise with her, I also felt somewhat detached from her story. Her portrayal felt quite underdeveloped. Such lines such as: ‘That was bad, really bad’ felt like lazy dialogue and did little to depict what sort of person Luce was. She needs to feel distinctive and individual, and her voice has got to seep through the narrative. As the protagonist, Luce will be the emotional anchor of the story, so it is crucial that your reader aligns with her from the very beginning.

Setting:

The prologue was extremely vivid and atmospheric. However, whilst your prose in this section is extremely evocative, it felt overly descriptive, and is perhaps too reliant on adjectives. I would suggest re-reading these initial pages and taking note of how many adjectives you do use. It is a fine balance between evoking a scene with subtlety and nuance and affronting your reader with intensely descriptive passages. If a scene feels overworked and the description too verbose, this will only prove distracting for the reader, and will distance them from the story, rather than pull them in.

Having said that, as the story settles into Lucinda’s tale, set in the confines of her home (and initially her car), this over-reliance on description lessens considerably, allowing the essence of the story to take precedence.

Tone:

Your writing is richly atmospheric and really harnesses the eerie, creepy tone typical of a supernatural thriller. Certain incidents gave me goosebumps! But as I discussed earlier on, to sustain this sinister, creepy tone, less is sometimes more, otherwise you risk overloading the reader’s senses. Also, when elements are left to the reader’s imagination, this can often be more chilling.

As well as a supernatural thriller, your story is also a tale of one woman’s emotional journey. This element of the narrative has to feel heartfelt and sincere. You really need to pull the reader into Luce’s story and make them emotionally engage with her, feel for her following Tim’s betrayal and ultimately want to follow her story through to the final page. Balancing the tone of these two different elements will require some skill to ensure that they complement rather than conflict with one another. As I often say to aspiring writers, tone is one of the most important features of a novel, but also one of the hardest to master. If you strike the wrong tone in your story, it will be extremely difficult for a reader to stay invested. In short, if a reader begins a novel that initially appears to be an eerie supernatural thriller which then halfway through veers off into women’s fiction territory, they may feel short-changed. The transition between these two different sections of the story has got to be seamless and, as a supernatural thriller, the sinister edge has to remain throughout.

Genre/Market:

As your synopsis states, DARK SHADOW is a supernatural thriller, but its clear that at its heart is a human drama about one woman’s personal journey following the breakdown of her marriage. As I have discussed in detail above, it is important that the novel doesn’t feel like it is suddenly switching genres, but that it is a smooth transition as Lucinda embarks on a new chapter of her life. Your demographic would likely be those of a similar age to Lucinda, so females aged 20-30.

Conclusion:
I hope these notes have been helpful to you. As I have already said, I think the material so far is in fairly good shape, and with some polishing and developing as you go along, I’m sure you will be able to make this really leap off the page. I wish you the best of luck in making that happen, and hope you continue to enjoy writing.

Best wishes

Natalie Braine

Orion Editor Mini- Reviews of the following stories: Billy Button: Superhero, Granny Greenslade and Her Grumpy Great Granddaughter, Missing Mum, Reality TV



Professional mini critique for Billy Button: Superhero by Mike Hanson

Congratulations on being well-rated by your peers at YouWriteOn. I found the opening pages of your story hugely entertaining. Billy is a likeable and believable protagonist and one that readers will instantly warm to. The premise is quite simple yet the storytelling is charming, the plot intriguing, and I found myself racing through the pages. The story is both comic and fantastical, and it is this combination of mystery that propels the narrative forward and humour that draws the reader in that should make this an engaging story for young readers. Billy’s parents are equally intriguing characters, and you cleverly weave in enough enigmatic clues to keep the reader guessing as to what Billy’s superpower actually is. You clearly know your demographic very well, and this understanding of your readership really shines through your writing.

Professional mini critique for Granny Greenslade and Her Grumpy Great Granddaughter by Katrina Twitchett

Congratulations on being well-rated by your peers at YouWriteOn. I really enjoyed your opening pages. Your characterisation is wonderfully vivid. Granny Greenslade is quirky and odd yet infinitely charming, and Charlie is definitely believable as a stroppy teenager! I liked how the story was told from both their points of views, aligning the reader with each of them and giving the story a more rounded perspective. The tone is intimate and inviting, which really draws the reader in, and quickly becomes quite mischievous as the story establishes itself. While the narrative is quite simple and it is clear how the story will conclude, the intervening plot is inventive and entertaining, so I have no doubt that young readers will be engrossed until the very last page. One minor thing that struck me was the use of vocabulary. For example, in the second paragraph, you write ‘not because they looked cool… She was very potty indeed’. This jarred with me slightly as it seemed odd that whoever is narrating it would use both ‘cool’ and ‘potty indeed’ in the same sentence.

Professional mini critique for Missing Mum by Ian Harvey-Brown

Congratulations for being well-rated by your peers at YouWriteOn. I enjoyed reading these early pages of your story. The central mystery of what has happened to Lily’s mum not only hooks the reader but gives the narrative real momentum and a clear story arc. My main concern was with the character of Lily. I found her quite a hard protagonist to warm to. It’s understandable that she is prickly and standoffish to George but it is important this sardonic tone doesn’t compromise the reader’s emotional engagement with Lily. And while I liked how you interweaved flashbacks into the narrative, which adds texture and depth to your story, it at times felt a little muddled. I think you need to focus on the basic structure of your story, which should ensure the narrative remains focused and driven, and work on your characterisation to develop Lily into a more engaging protagonist.


Professional mini critique for Reality TV by Susan Howe

Congratulations for being well-rated by your peers at YouWriteOn. I thought this was a gripping and accomplished piece of storytelling. Billy is a wonderfully drawn character who the reader instantly empathises with. While the story is quite dark and somber in tone, it is the reader’s emotional engagement with Billy that will have them reading on. There is a sense of foreboding throughout, which keeps the reader guessing as to what will actually happen. And the twist ending quickly subverts what the reader had been anticipating (that Billy’s mum’s worst fears would be realised, and Billy would be the victim, not the perpetrator) and thus becomes a more thought-provoking story than expected. I liked the small details about Billy’s home life and how you quickly get to the heart of his relationship with his troubled mum. This gives the story emotional weight and makes the ending all the more powerful.

Ted

Same as Sue, only please pass on my appreciation to the Random House reader.

Many thanks

Andrew Memory... What was that?

Many thanks to Ted and Natalie for the critique. Lots of points to think about, and encouraging enough to keep at it.

Cheers, Kate
www.katehanney.com