SWOOP

Dear Jean

Congratulations on being selected for a professional critique by your writing peers at YouWriteOn. I enjoyed reading your sample pages of SWOOP and was impressed by the confidence of your writing. While I don’t think the material so far needs a huge amount of reworking as it is already in fairly good shape, what I hope these editorial notes will do is provide you with is some useful pointers as to how you can hone and develop the existing chapters, and what to pay attention to as the novel progresses.

Structure:

Obviously the first chapter is a flashforward to the end of the novel, with the second chapter opening with the subheading ‘two years earlier’. After such a compelling opening, the reader instantly wants to know what led Amber to this deadly scenario, and the novel promises to deliver that answer by jumping back in time and revealing the origins of this event. The rest of the narrative, from what I can glean from these early chapters and your synopsis, seems like it will be quite linear in structure. I think it’s important to ensure that it doesn’t feel too one-directional; that the structure of the narrative is textured and has depth.

A small point, but while the use of hawks as a metaphor was an interesting one, it felt a little too obvious as a motif. And David’s mention of female hawks being bigger than males seemed to come out of nowhere, and have little significance to the scene. It is revealed that he loves to photograph hawks, which again seems like an attempt to imbue significance in a metaphor that doesn’t properly tie in with the rest of the narrative. Of course the title, Swoop, plays on this, but I’m not sure how effective this is.

Plot:

I thought that the opening chapter was fantastic. It was extremely powerful and instantly hooked the reader and pulled them into the scene, placing them in the centre of the action, rather than waiting for them to keep up. One crucial point I had about this early scene was that perhaps it would have been more dramatic if it wasn’t revealed that Fred Devlin is a paedophile. Phrases such as ‘the children were her courage’, ‘she did what she had to do for the children’ and ‘recent parolee with a penchant for pretty little five year olds’ seemed too obvious and almost dissipated the tension. Likewise, phrases such as ‘One predatory paedophile killed, but countless children saved from his touch’ is again almost too melodramatic. Remember that less is often more in dramatic scenes like this. By holding back who Fred Devlin is and why it is that Amber wants him dead, the reader is left to wonder what prompted these extreme act of violence against him, and also sets up an interesting dichotomy of the reader being a sort of accomplice to Amber’s dark deeds, but at the same time, not knowing whether she is a character to be trusted or even liked. But regardless of Amber’s machinations, she must still come across as an intriguing and complex protagonist – which she does in this first chapter. And I loved the final line – ‘Perhaps her next murder would be easier’. Unsettling but also perversely tantalising. And I think it will be even more so if it isn’t yet revealed why Amber has killed this man.

After such a strong opening, the following pages felt a little underwhelming in comparison. Of course the reader wants to know how Amber reached the no-going-back point where she stalks a man and kills him, but the intervening pages still have to feel dramatic and compelling, rather than a means to fill in backstory. I felt it could have been more mysterious and intriguing – for example, not revealing what each of the women’s motivations are initially (i.e. how each of them have been affected by padeophilia in their own harrowing way). Not only will this keep the reader guessing, it will also create a sense of intrigue and suspense, as well as upping the pace of the narrative. For example, one of the very first things we learn about Robin is that her young niece was murdered by a paedophile. And similarly with Cassie, it is revealed very early on that she was gang-raped when she was very young. It is almost like these are the thing that define them the most, and the other aspects of their character are therefore secondary. Again, I think you should bring Robin and Cassie alive on the page and establish a connection between them and the reader before you reveal what it is that torments them.

In comparison to the first chapter, which was tense, snappy and utterly involving, the second chapter feels overlong, drawn-out and unfocused. Of course you want to introduce the main players and reveal their relationships with one another, but this needs to be done in a way that is still compelling and dramatic. The three women’s interactions, while revealing the ease and intimacy they share with one another, sometimes feels a little stilted and forced, almost as a means to reveal their feelings about paedophiles rather than natural dialogue between friends. You really need to explore what brought these three women together and why their bond is so strong. A lot of the dialogue feels inconsequential and adds little to the narrative. Remember, less is often more. Their exchanges always need to be entertaining, and either need to be revealing about the characters or furthering the plot in some way.

A small point, but at times it felt like you were overstating the obvious. For example, with the line: ‘He reached behind him to draw her closer, patting her legs and giving her bum a quick pat. “Didn’t you wear that last Saturday, Mrs Grayson? What on earth will your friends think?” mocking horror that they would see her in the same outfit twice.’ We know that he is mocking her about this, so it felt like an unnecessary overstatement, almost as if you don’t trust the reader to pick up on the subtleties of their exchange. As I keep saying, less is often more.

I found the synopsis a little confusing. It states that Amber commits her first murder by a staged shotgun suicide (which we see in the first chapter, and which we are told takes place two years after the rest of the main action of the story). Later on, it states that Hawker is Amber’s first victim. So surely that makes the shotgun murder her second victim? Yet in your synopsis, it states that Amber decides to leave San Francisco and abandon their conspiracy, and it is Cassie who carries on. So when, in the chronology of events, does Amber kill Fred Devlin, if she gives up her the pursuit for vigilante justice? This seemed very unclear to me.

The synopsis hints at quite an expected ending – with Robin, consumed by guilt, committing suicide, Amber leaving David and Cassie behind to pursue a new life, while Cassie is left to continue the ‘fight for justice’ alone. This could either be an extremely powerful ending or one where the resolution feels deeply unsatisfying for the reader. I think that as you develop the story with greater subtlety and depth and provide more revealing insights about your characters, the plot could potentially raise some interesting and complex issue about justice, revenge, and just who are the victims in all of this.

Characterisation:

While your characters are compelling figures, for me they soon lost they allure in these early pages. Rather than maintaining that sense of mystery and intrigue about the characters that is so wonderfully set up at the beginning, they are portrayed as rather ordinary figures. While of course you want to explore how three seemingly normal, average women could be pushed to execute the most unspeakable of acts, they have to feel like complex, engaging characters if they are to carry the narrative forwards. For example, I soon tired of Amber’s habit of speaking aloud or talking to herself, chastising herself. You state that Amber ‘was accustomed to saying her thoughts under her breath when others weren’t around, so accustomed that sometimes the thoughts came out at the wrong times.’ Why is this? It needs to feel like a convincing part of her character if it is not to become irritating.

Continues next post

Professional mini critique for Births, Marriages and Deaths by Joe Miller and James Natto

Congratulations on being well-rated by your peers at YouWriteOn. I enjoyed reading your short stories. I recently read some from your first instalment, and again, I was impressed by the confidence and economy of your writing. I particularly liked The Lure of the Green, which will no doubt raise a smile in readers. However, while entertaining and thought-provoking, I didn’t think that these packed quite the same punch as the previous examples that I had read. Some even felt like they needed an extra line at the very end, or something that really pulls it all together. For example, in The Taste Test, it would have been interesting to see Mr Brownlee’s reaction to Bob Simmons’ response.


Professional mini critique for Beyond Nostalgia by Thomas J Winton

Congratulations on being well-rated by your peers at YouWriteOn. I enjoyed reading the opening chapters of your novel. Dean and Theresa’s tentative relationship is portrayed wonderfully, with all the awkwardness and excitement that comes with teenage love. You also capture the period with small details that bring the story to life. My main criticism is that the plot can feel quite shapeless and unstructured at times. There’s no real sense of pace or direction, and occasionally the narrative can feel quite self-indulgent, focusing on Dean’s every thought rather than attempting to further the story in a dramatic and satisfying way.


Professional mini critique for North by Jasper Dorgan

Congratulations on being well-rated by your peers at YouWriteOn. I enjoyed reading the early chapters of your novel. It was an involving opening; your characterisation is wonderful and the moment when Beth and Michael were shot was both shocking and tragic. The overall tone is quite somber and dark, but you incorporate flashes of relief and lightness to balance the darker elements of the story. The scenes between Ray and Cat are understated but touching. My main criticism would be that sometimes the prose felt a little muddled, and even the syntax of sentences could be confusing, such as ‘He watched the depot about its day’. If your narrative has more structure and the plot is more focused, your story will be all the stronger for it. Similarly, I think this futuristic land needs to be depicted with a sharper and more atmospheric vision if the reader is to be fully immersed in this alien environment.


Professional mini critique for The Nebraska Gambler by Warren Washburn

Congratulations on being well-rated by your peers at YouWriteOn. I enjoyed reading the opening chapters of your novel. I thought it was an unusual novel and that Weed was a distinctive and believable character. Yet despite its promising start, I felt that the narrative lacked drive, pace and focus. The overall tone is quite somber, and as a protagonist, I don’t think Weed is charismatic or energetic enough to steer the narrative at present. She seems to react rather than act, and seems resigned to her lot in life, with very little dreams or hopes for the future. I think you need to work on warming her up as a character, and making her more engaging and consequently she will have a stronger presence in the narrative.

One element that you really capture well is Fabian’s apprehension about matrimony, and his sudden sense of detachment from his wife. I loved the lines: ‘I kissed her and touched the hard form of her ring. Never again would I hold that hand without feeling that cold metal.’ It is the irrevocability of what they have done that really seems to affect Fabian, and it is small insights like this that really shed light on him as a character. As mentioned above, I think that this is an area that needs to be explored in greater detail.

Your synopsis states that Fabian is enamoured with his father-in-law’s gardens, and that this was even a key factor in his marrying Sophia, but this doesn’t come across in these early pages. He seems like he has an appreciation for the garden, but your synopsis hints that this is something almost bordering on obsession. This needs to become apparent to the reader, as it goes some way in explaining Fabian’s motivations and even hints at the fact that he may have a hidden agenda.

Sophia is a well-drawn character but, like Fabian, it also feels like you never quite get under her skin, either. It is important that secondary characters, even those that are perhaps very peripheral to the narrative, feel as fully-formed and fleshed-out as the key players. While it is of course harder to get an insight into Sophia’s and the other characters’ innermost thoughts as this is written in first-person narrative, their tone, demeanour and often what they don’t say as much as what they do say, can be very revealing.

Setting:

While these early pages are well-written and your descriptive prose can be very evocative, at times it can be verbose and overly descriptive. One such example is the passage that describes Fabian looking over the Temple of Hercules and Ceres, taking in their splendour. It is very adjective-heavy, so that the essence of the description almost becomes distorted. Remember that in some cases, less is often more.

However, while your prose is sophisticated, I actually found it hard to envisage Fabian’s new home from the limited descriptions. I assume that it is quite grand, given the extensive grounds. Similarly, there is very little description of the setting as Fabian and Sophia honeymoon in Italy. Why set it in Italy at all if there is going to be virtually no description of the country? This is a chance to really bring this section of the narrative alive and place your characters in a foreign environment but again, it felt very brushed over.

A small point, but I thought it odd that the first line in your synopsis reads: ‘Set in the idyllic world of a Wiltshire landscape garden’ – this makes it sounds like the entire novel will play out in the garden!

Tone:

Tone is one of the hardest elements of a narrative to master, but also one of the most important. Given that this is written in a first-person narrative, and seen solely through Fabian’s eyes, it is inevitable that his mood and his outlook will affect and govern the overall tone of the novel. As I have said, at present Fabian hasn’t really been brought to life in these early pages, but I’m sure that as you attempt to get under his skin more, so the tone of the story will shine through.

Title:

A small note on the title: I think that this sounds too wordy and almost seems like an attempt to sound poetic or literary. It is also quite forgettable. You need something that is more captivating and memorable as a title.



Genre/Market:

You describe the novel as a psychological thriller, which I found quite surprising as these opening chapters read nothing like a thriller, but more a family drama and a study of social mores of the time. For your novel to feel like a thriller, it needs to have a more dramatic plot, a more intriguing structure, to be pacier with a greater sense of tension and urgency, and for there to be an underlying sense of menace, of something ominous about to unfold. At present, the story is lacking in all these essential ingredients. It is crucial that you understand what type of novel you are hoping to craft, and who your readership is, as this should define and shape your novel.

Conclusion:

I hope these notes have been helpful to you. As I have already said, I think the material so far is good shape, and with some further insight as well as polishing and developing as you go along, I’m sure you will be able to make this leap off the page. I wish you the best of luck in making that happen, and hope you continue to enjoy writing.

Best wishes

Natalie Braine