ORION EDITOR CRITIQUE OF FEAST

Dear Charlotte Cornell

Congratulations on being selected for a professional critique by your writing peers at YouWriteOn. I enjoyed reading your early pages of FEAST and thought they showed much promise. While I don’t think the material so far needs a huge amount of reworking as it is already in fairly good shape, what I hope these editorial notes will do is provide you with is some useful pointers as to how you can hone and develop the existing chapters, and what to pay attention to as the novel progresses.

Structure:

I thought the structure of these opening pages was solid, but I did feel it was a little flat and linear. From reading your synopsis, it’s clear there’s a definite story arc, yet there was little in terms of sub-plot, or structural variety, whether that be flashbacks, differing character POVs, sequential order, etc. In no way am I suggesting that you use all or any of these literary devices, I am just highlighting the various techniques that can be employed to create depth and texture to a narrative. While you have the bones of a good story, I worry that the structure is a little too simplistic. The journey is very much from A to B with one goal in mind, and from your synopsis, it seems there will be little deviance from this one-directional narrative. Perhaps there could be flashbacks or scenes that cover the time before Alethea was captured? Little is revealed about circumstances of her pregnancy (other than the implication that it was rape). But what is Alethea’s background? What is her family like? What is she leaving behind? By building a more vivid backstory for both Alethea and the story as a whole, your narrative will be richer and more textured.

A small point, but I wondered why you had the opening as the prologue? It doesn’t particularly preface the story or offer an intriguing, enigmatic scene that only begins to make sense as the story progresses. Instead, the first chapter very much follows on from this scene. So I would suggest either restructuring the prologue or having this as the first chapter.

Plot:

The fact that this is loosely based on true events will give your story weight and added drama. But, like the structure, I felt the plot was a little simplistic. From reading your synopsis, to me this felt more suited to a novella or short story rather than a full-length novel. Historical novels are full of scope and drama, with a large cast of characters, and I felt the narrative lacked these ingredients to some degree. As mentioned above, there was little in the way of sub-plot. The narrative very much hinged on the build-up to the feast and Alethea’s bid for freedom. It felt quite narrow in its focus, and I think if you intend for this to be a full novel, you need to widen up the story and introduce more drama, intrigue and sub-plots.

From reading your synopsis, one point that didn’t make sense to me was why Scissa would agree to marry Apicius if she intends to kill him, when she knew all along that she was wealthier than him? Apicius’s motives for the marriage are evident, but what exactly are Lady Scissa’s?

I also had some reservations about the ending of the novel. The numerous deaths after the feast, followed by the revelation of Apicius’s real son, felt quite theatrical and contrived in its overtones. Then the next scene seems like it will be entirely different in tone, with Gerbius willingly walking out to his death in the gladiatorial ring. This is an incredibly sombre finale, and it seems a little at odds with the tone of the rest of the novel.

Characterisation:

I thought your characterisation was one of the strongest elements of your story. Alethea is a familiar and identifiable protagonist. She is loving, determined and independent. Yet despite her strengths, she didn’t come fully alive in these early pages. I felt somewhat distanced from her, as though you hadn’t quite managed to get under her skin as a character. The reader has to emotionally connect with her and want to follow her journey to the end. Even though Alethea figures as the protagonist, in these early pages, she seems to be placed as an observer, and while the narrative captures what is going on around her, and shown from her perspective, it lacks character insight. She needs to be engaged with the scene, and bringing the reader into the scene with her. In short, while she was a likeable character, I felt for a protagonist that she lacked real charisma and individuality. She needs to be much more distinct and memorable. For a novel that should be mainly character-driven, it is crucial that your protagonist is strong enough to carry the weight of the narrative.

I thought the Lady Scissa was a wonderful creation who really was larger than life and leapt off the page. She very much owns the scenes that she’s in and certainly makes an impression on the reader! I particularly liked the showdown between Lady Scissa and Apicius in the market – it was revealing about their characters and really involving to read. This was a great scene made all the more intriguing by the fact it is based on actual events.

While Alethea befriends the cook, Gerbius, from reading your synopsis, it seems like there isn’t really anyone else that Alethea connects with. Again, this ties in with my notes on how the narrative can feel quite limited in scope. Alethea is very much placed on her own and, while this is about her story and her journey, by seeing her interacting with more characters will also provide a more rounded and multi-faceted portrayal of Alethea. I’m not suggesting that there necessarily needs to be a love interest, but just someone who provokes certain emotions in Alethea that no other character would.

While a lot of your character interactions are entertaining, there were a few instances where it felt like you were straying into pantomime territory. Yes, you want to entertain the reader, but rather than opting for theatrical exchanges in scenes, you need to strive for more subtlety and nuance if it is to be really convincing. The reader needs to be transported back in time, not struggling to suspend disbelief.

Setting:

In historical novels, the setting almost becomes a character in its own right. In a novel set so far back in history, the story and the background needs to be incredibly well-researched. You need to be able to really transport your reader there and immerse them in the world that your story is set in. And while I think you captured this to some degree, I felt that some of your descriptions were lacking. For instance, only minimal details were offered about Lady Scissa’s villa, making it somewhat hard to visualise. You need to bring it to life for the reader, and let them experience it as the characters do.

In no way should setting dominate the narrative, as it is very much the backdrop to your story, but it needs to be colourful, vivid and tangible. I think more detail needs to be interwoven, and it needs to be refracted through Alethea’s own perspective. Is this the first time she has seen a villa like this? Is she amazed by it or intimidated? You need to depict her own response to her surroundings if the reader is to engage with them in the same way.

Critique continues next post

Professional mini critique for A Lodger at Midnight by William McCormick

Congratulations on being well-rated by your peers at YouWriteOn. I enjoyed reading your early pages. I thought they marked an incredibly promising start. I thought your writing was atmospheric and was impressed with your characterisation – Tasia and Eleni were wonderful characters. I also liked the dark humour of the novel, finely balancing the sinister menace with a more playful edge. I thought that you introduced the red herrings seamlessly, which will keep the reader guessing and engaged with the narrative. Given that this is a historical mystery, I would have liked to see a bit more description of the setting and the house where the sisters reside, as I found it hard to envisage these from the minimal description there was. By creating a vivid backdrop, your story will seem all the more atmospheric.


Professional mini critique for The Devil-Faced Girl by Laurinda Luffman

Congratulations on being well-rated by your peers at YouWriteOn. I enjoyed reading the early pages of your Young Adult novel. I found Orla an intriguing protagonist but didn’t feel like you really got under her skin in these opening chapters. Orla isn’t an English name, so is the reader to presume that her family are foreign immigrants? Has she always lived in England? Is she an only child? I think small details like this need to be woven into the narrative to make Orla a more rounded character. I also felt that the narrative was a little directionless in these crucial early chapters. It opens with Orla reflecting back to four months previously, when she first met Danny, but from reading your synopsis, it seems the plot will become significantly more dramatic towards the end of the novel, and I think there needs to be hints of this earlier on to make the narrative feel more focused and hopefully keep the reader turning the pages.


Professional mini critique for Treasure, This by Kay Leitch

Congratulations on being well-rated by your peers at YouWriteOn. I enjoyed reading the early pages of your children’s story. I thought it had a strong opening and an intriguing premise. Whilst you hooked me from the very first page, the plot did start to lose its focus and drive as the narrative progressed. I think a greater sense of suspense and mystery needs to be maintained. The comical asides involving Leaf seemed like unnecessary interruptions to the narrative flow. These need to have a purpose.

A minor point, but I didn’t realise that Harry was Auntie Ellie’s partner – I thought he was her gardener/handy man. I think this needs to be made clearer.


Professional mini critique for World War Me by Kevin M McGreer

Congratulations on being well-rated by your peers at YouWriteOn. I enjoyed reading the early pages of your Young Adult novel. I thought it was dark, intriguing and that you had a strong protagonist in Jack. He can be cynical and bitter but he’s also shrewd and at times fearless, and the reader instantly wants to learn more about him and follow his story. Given that this is set in the after-life, I actually found the world that your story is set in quite hard to envisage. There were a few details that gave some impression, but I think your backdrop needs to feel more vivid and real if the reader is to suspend disbelief. There were also a lot of unanswered questions from these early pages, and it’s important that you gradually drop hints and reveal hidden facts to keep the reader engaged and guessing.

Setting:

You really conjure up the atmosphere of the neighbourhood, how it is has wallowed in its own degradation and is one often fraught with violence and danger, and how this is the only world that many of these teenagers have known. Setting plays an important role in this novel and should not only act as a mere backdrop, but a vital element in the narrative that affects the characters.

Tone:

Tone is one of the most important elements of a novel but also one of the hardest to master. Given that this is told in first person, with Mickey almost narrating directly to the reader, the tone is very much affected by his own mood and outlook. It also feels quite intimate in tone, as Mikey is laying bare facets of his personality that he isn’t able to expose to anyone else. It very much has that confessional tone, as Mikey is almost having a conversation with the reader (albeit one-sided). However, this can be a risky device by having your protagonist directly address the reader, so be sure not to overuse this.

This is a story told with gritty realism and, given the subject matter, it’s inevitable that this will be quite dark in tone. Some really big, difficult issues are explored, and your novel exposes the underbelly of teenage life in Sheffield, the people who struggle and fight to survive. But it’s important to ensure that the overriding tone never feels unremittingly dark. If there is no relief, and no lightness to counterbalance the dark, it may prove to be a gruelling read. I think the burgeoning friendship between Mikey and Shane and later on Mikey and his brother Leon will help with that, as will the romance between Shane and Jasmine.

Genre/Market:

As you state, this is very much teenage fiction in terms of market. In terms of genre, this would probably be categorised as an issues-led teenage drama. This also reads like a coming-of-age for many of the characters.

As I’m sure you’re aware, teenage fiction is an incredibly tough market if you want to be a commercially successful author. You only need to take a quick look at the charts to see what’s selling in this area, and it’s dominated by dark fantasies (a la Twilight) as well as real escapist dramas. My worry is, though well-written this novel is, I wonder whether many teenagers would actually want to read it? Yes, it’s true to life, but it’s not particularly insightful in the fact that it doesn’t have anything new to say or offer that previous books haven’t already done so. Commercial fiction is dominated by compelling escapist reads, and unfortunately I fear this lacks both that requisite compulsion and the real sweep of drama and escapism. I recommend reading as widely as possible in this area of commercial young adult books to really get a sense of the type and style of novels that teenagers are reading.

Title:

I’m not entirely convinced by this title for a YA novel. It seems too obvious and not particularly memorable as a book title. This is only a suggestion, of course.


Page-by-page notes:

p.1: perhaps don’t mention any character names in your prologue – so cut the reference to Frankie. This way, it seems even more enigmatic.

p.1: ‘How could that have ever happened to me?’ – too obvious and direct. Remember, less is more.

p.2: ‘Go on then, who are they?’ – make clear this is Mikey speaking and not Molly.

p.2: perhaps ‘raced’ is better than ‘pinged’?

p.2: ‘My expression said it all’ – but what was it saying exactly?

p.15: ‘and now it was hard’ – again, too obvious. Don’t overstate. Remember, less is more.

Conclusion:

I hope these notes have been helpful to you. As I have already said, I think the material so far is in fairly good shape, and with some polishing and developing as you go along, I’m sure you will be able to make this leap off the page. I wish you the best of luck in making that happen, and hope you continue to enjoy writing.

Best wishes

Natalie Braine

Thank you for helpful review of Treasure This. Hope you're having a good Christmas!

Please pass on my thanks to the Orion reviewer (Natalie?) for her very helpful pointers on the opening chapters of 'Devil-Faced Girl'.

Wishing everyone a restful holiday season and all the best for 2011.