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ProfessionalCritique
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New Orion CritiquesOrion are the publisher of some of the world’s bestselling authors, such as Ian Rankin, Each month on YouWriteOn editors from Orion provide feedback for highly rated YouWriteOn Top Ten writers. Thank you to everyone for their story’s. Click here to view the story extract links for the stories reviewed below which are listed under May for 2010 Reviews for May 1st Stories: THE TESTAMENT OF MARIAM, ALWAYS ON MY MIND, The Cord, The Gallows Cheat, A Red Sky in Morning, Births, Marriages & Deaths THE TESTAMENT OF MARIAM Dear Ann Congratulations on being selected for a professional critique by your writing peers at YouWriteOn. I really enjoyed reading your sample pages of THE TESTAMENT OF MARIAM and was impressed by the confidence of your writing. While I don’t think the material so far needs a great deal of reworking as it is already in good shape, what I hope these editorial notes will provide you with is some useful pointers as to how you can hone and develop the existing chapters, and what to pay attention to as the novel progresses. Structure: While I understand that this is Mariam’s tale, and she is an aging woman who is nearing the end and so her mind is not what it used to be, yet at times I felt the structure of the narrative was quite meandering and sometimes even a little muddled. Of course to some extent this is a reflection of Mariam’s state of mind, but you need to ensure that there is still a clear narrative drive and story arc for the reader to follow, otherwise you risk disengaging them from your story. For example, Mariam is recalling a childhood memory that sees her end up in the goat shed, and later on in this anecdote she repeats that she is in the goat shed. Try to avoid unnecessary repetition, and ensure that the narrative remains structured and focused as much as possible. Similarly, I found some sentences rather ambiguous. Such as: ‘Even burrowed deep into the hot summer scent of the straw, pricked by sharp stems and bitten by fleas, I could not escape my fate’. It is unclear what Mariam’s fate is, as this isn’t touched upon again in this scene, and so it loses it significance – and its meaning. And the sentence where she is describing her two sons: ‘I see nothing of myself in them, and that is good’. Why? This isn’t really explained, and again seems ambiguous rather than significant. And ‘If we had had a daughter, she might have taken after me, but I do not really regret this’. Regret that she didn’t have a daughter? Or that the daughter would have taken after her? It’s important to be clear on such revelations as this, particularly when they are throwing light on a character. In Mariam’s first recollection, she is standing at the well, and continues on her journey carrying water once she has finished remembering. But this gives the impression that Mariam has been standing at the well the entire time she is recalling what is quite a lengthy memory. And walking back to her home, she is again flooded with memories. And it is when she is settled under the shade of the tree, looking at the view from her home, that she reflects back on that morning at the market. I wonder why this is reported to the reader, rather than shown to them? And why the sudden switch back to a previous scene? And after her disturbing recollection of her brother’s death, she instantly goes back to reflecting on the beauty of her surroundings. This switch and leap in chronological order, and tone, tends to confuse the narrative and can be quite jarring for the reader. Is this something that happens every day to Mariam or has it been brought upon but the knowledge of her last brother’s death? I do worry that while the reader gets a clear picture of Mariam as a child, her depiction as an adult is more hazy, as the reader only sees her reflecting on the past, rather than on the present. Similarly in the second chapter, she is reflecting back on her sons, and then on how she met her husband, and then suddenly she is recalling an event when she was seven. There is no interlinking of these scenes, or even any indication of why Mariam suddenly recalls this event. Rather than flowing naturally, at times like this the narrative can feel quite disjointed and staccato. Her memories seem to leap all over the place, suddenly with a young Mariam, then a teenage Mariam, and then back again, and then she is suddenly pulled back into the present. While this is true to form of a person’s chain of thoughts, it can be unsettling for the reader to follow a narrative that is so fragmented and episodic. Have you considered the idea of a dual narrative? To have one narrative that recounts the present day, another that recalls Mariam’s past and reveals why she became the woman that she is? And to have interlinking chapters that flit between each strand? I think a structural device like this would give your narrative more focus and direction. However, this is merely a suggestion. Plot: This has an incredibly interesting premise, and while it might be controversial to some readers, it is a story that has much scope and much potential. I thought that this had a strong, intriguing opening that made me want to read on. But as I mention above, I am concerned that as the narrative progresses, the plot becomes quite meandering. I think if you have more focus and more direction, the story will be that much more compelling. The story regarding how Ya’aqob died was extremely vivid and even quite distressing. But I felt that again, the scene lost its emotional impact because it felt like a ‘story’ rather than an actual event that happened to a member of Mariam’s family. I understand that you want to convey how actual events become history and then even mythologised into religious scripture and doctrine, but you have to ensure that the unfolding events feel real to the reader, and not a well-spun tale. I’m glad to see from your synopsis that dramatic events will unfold in the present day when Mariam and her family offer shelter to a group of Jewish refugees. It is important that this narrative isn’t overshadowed by her memories and recollections, but it still an involving tale in its own right that the reader will want to follow. Characterisation: While Mariam’s voice infuses every page, almost like she is narrating it, I felt you never quite got under the skin of her as a character. She seems to figure as observer and surveyor, and while you show events through her eyes, you never really explore her own emotions, beliefs or motivations in these early pages. I hope that this is something that will take precedence as the novel continues. After all, this is Mariam’s story more than her brothers, and the reader has got to want to follow her journey from the beginning to end, and to do so, they need to feel engaged with her on an emotional level. At present, she feels quite underdrawn as a character, yet what she has gone through and survived is the mark of a strong and independent woman. You need to let these elements of her personality shine through. Similarly, in her description and recollections of Yesha, he is so revered and almost placed on pedestal by Mariam that he never quite feels real. It is crucial to your story that he is portrayed as a tangible and lifelike person. I’m sure this will change as the story progresses, and we get to see him through the eyes of an older and wiser Mariam, but be sure that he doesn’t come across as mythological figure, but one who really leaps off the page. Setting: Your descriptive prose is wonderful. It is economical yet really evokes the sense of the place that you are describing. Your historical detail is also fantastic, and you really bring to life the period in which the novel is set. I hope this is continued throughout, as it is your descriptive prose that really transports the reader to that long-vanished time and place. Tone: The manner in which Mariam recalls her past is often done without sentimentality, but there is still a tinge of nostalgia to it. She is matter of fact in her relaying of the past, but the deep emotion still shines through. I thought this worked extremely well. While this inevitably has biblical allusions and influences, it is important to ensure that the novel doesn’t come across as didactic. At times I felt that the childhood scenes and memories recalled by Mariam were moralistic stories, rather than a means to explore character and further plot. If a scene feels too story-like, it will lose its resonance and reality for the reader. You need to bring the characters alive, not just their stories. Genre/Market: As you state, you would classify this novel as historical literary fiction. Of course, this has deeply religious leanings, but I think this will appeal to a readership that has an interest in the origins of Christianity and even those who aren’t of a religious inclination. Tied in with my notes above on elements of your narrative feeling moralistic and didactic, it is important to avoid this if you want to appeal to an adult readership. At times it feels like you are brushing the surface of Mariam and her family’s story, rather than getting to the heart of it. Conclusion: I hope my notes have been helpful to you. As I have already said, I think the material so far is in good shape, and with some polishing and developing as you go along, I’m sure you will be able to make this shine. I wish you the best of luck in making that happen, and hope you continue to enjoy writing. Best wishes Natalie Braine
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ProfessionalCritique
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ALWAYS ON MY MIND
Dear Pam
Congratulations on being selected for a professional critique by your writing peers at YouWriteOn. I enjoyed reading your sample pages of ALWAYS ON MY MIND. While these early pages contain some promising material, I think further work is needed and what I hope these editorial notes will provide you with is some useful pointers as to how you can hone and develop the existing chapters, and what to pay attention to as the novel progresses.
Structure:
I liked how the narrative was structured from the perspectives of all the main characters. It gave the story a more rounded view and also allowed the reader to view each character through the eyes of the other characters. This structure also makes the narrative feel pacier, as one narrative strand is never allowed to languish for too long. You seemed to have struck the right balance between allowing the reader to immerse themselves in one character’s story, but not allowing them to grow tired of it before they’re on to the next one. Will they all filter into the main narrative strand, there are multiple sub-plots emerging, which make the narrative much more complex and varied.
From your synopsis, it sounds like the novel will be quite linear in terms of the story arc. I wonder if you could weave in flashbacks, to provide new readers with more back-story to the characters in a dramatic and interesting way, rather than just paraphrasing within the prose. I think this would give your story more texture and depth, and also provide greater insight into your characters.
Plot:
As your synopsis makes clear, this is the final instalment in a trilogy. While this can be read as a standalone novel, it does feel very much like it’s coming halfway into a story (or two-thirds in, to be more accurate!) and as a new reader coming to this afresh, I never quite got caught up in Livvy’s and Roy’s story as I felt like I wasn’t seeing the entire picture. In no way am I suggesting that you should fill in their background story in detail or go to lengths to contextualise it, but you have to give the reader a taste of their previous lives and the passion that Livvy and Roy once felt for each other. As I mentioned above, perhaps flashbacks could be incorporated into the narrative? You won’t want to have the characters reminiscing or reflecting back on the past too much, as this will make the plot feel very static, but you have to give the readers a sense of what has preceded this novel.
To be frank, I found the opening of the novel quite cliché. It seemed too blatant and as such the scene lost any potential for real emotional impact as it was too overt in its message, losing all subtlety and nuance. It all felt very rushed, as if you were trying to cram all of Livvy’s emotions on to one page, rather than gradually unravelling them for the reader, and drawing them into her story. There is too much back-story in these early pages: this can be incorporated throughout the story – the reader doesn’t need to know everything straight away!
Again with Daniel’s first scene, there’s a lot of shoehorning in information about his and Livvy’s relationship history. These details need to be incorporated seamlessly, not be so overt. You need to show the reader this is how Daniel’s and Livvy’s relationship is, not tell them. By telling, not showing, you are again distancing the reader from your story.
As I have briefly discussed, there is a lot of filling in the blanks for new readers, and characters reflecting on their past. I worry that the plot feels quite directionless in these early pages. There’s no real sense of dramatic drive or plot development. Ensure that your plot doesn’t become bogged down in unnecessary details. Again, you need to interweave the characters’ pasts in with their present, not have entire chunks of summarising back-story, otherwise the narrative will feel like its stalling and never quite taking off.
While I thought the scene between Jack and Harley was touching, and really depicted that age of awkward adolescence, I felt that it was perhaps overly long. Similarly, the scene between Roy and Eddie seemed like a convenient way for Roy to discuss his fears for revealing the truth to Harley. It revealed little about him as a character, given that it is his first appearance in the novel.
Characterisation:
Livvy is an interesting character yet I never felt you quite got under her skin. Tying in with my comments on this being the last in a trilogy, you have to ensure that new readers are able to really empathise and understand Livvy as a character. At times she felt quite underdrawn, going through the motions of her current life, and in private hankering after a vanished life with her former lover and the daughter she gave away. But there wasn’t any real insight into Livvy’s innermost thoughts and feelings; in short, they seemed like stereotypical reactions, rather than shedding any light onto Livvy as a distinct and individual person. After these early chapters, I still felt quite distanced from her story, and I think you need to work on warming Livvy up, and allowing the reader to understand why she acts the way she does with Daniel, because otherwise the reader’s sympathies go out to Daniel alone, not Livvy.
Livvy is the lead singer of a hugely successful country rock band, and we’re told she lights up the stage when she’s performing, but this energy and charisma doesn’t translate on the page. At times Livvy felt quite an insipid character, and I found it hard to envisage her being able to work up an entire arena-full of fans! You need to get across this passion for her music that she has, and also show what it is about her that made both Roy and Daniel fall in love with her. In many ways she must be an extremely strong person, yet we are only ever shown her moments of weakness in these early pages. For example, Livvy goes for a run, and then suddenly stops as ‘an overwhelming feeling of loneliness crept over her and tears ran unchecked down her cheeks’. The reader is not really privy to how Livvy is feeling, as these moments of sadness erupt so suddenly, and as such, it becomes hard for the reader to empathise with Livvy’s plight. You need to show how strong she can be too, otherwise she merely comes across as weak and self-pitying.
I found it hard to fully understand how Livvy, a person who never knew her birth parents, was able to give up her own daughter so readily. You need to explore this, as it is integral to Livvy’s story. It never quite rang true to me, especially as Livvy herself knows how painful it can be for a child who feels like a parent has given up on them or feels unwanted.
Again, with my discussion of showing not telling the reader, the sentence: ‘She wished she was closer to her youngest daughter, but found it hard to show her how much she loved her’. You need to show the reader this. By reporting action and feelings, this can sometimes come across as lazy storytelling or appear that the writer isn’t confident enough to tackle more difficult scenes. You story will have far greater resonance if the reader is able to experience these scenes and emotions as they unfold, rather than being told how the characters feel and why they act the way they do. You need to leave something to the reader’s imagination!
Continues next post
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ProfessionalCritique
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I sympathised with Daniel, but again, he never really came to life on the page. He seems like a man who has been downtrodden by his wife and constantly lives in her shadow, and I never got any real sense of him as his own person in these pages. Why did Livvy marry a man like this? You need to explore this for it to feel convincing. Some of his dialogue and thoughts made him sound quite immature, such as him thinking: ‘Fat chance of that’. This sounds like something a teenager would say, not a grown man. Also, the scene where Livvy tells him she is going back to find her real father feels rushed and overplayed with Daniel’s words: ‘Go home if you must and sort yourself out. If you can’t come back and tell me that you love me – and mean it – then there’s little point in this marriage continuing’. This is an extreme ultimatum, and the reader never sees Daniel arriving at this dramatic decision in his own narrative thread. Given that he walks away as soon as he says it, all dramatic potential quickly dissipates. You don’t explore any of the tension between the pair. I think it would be more powerful for them to be unable to verbalise just how they feel, but for it to become apparent to the reader in their exchanges with one another. Another example of showing, not telling!
Likewise, Daniel’s fiery retort of ‘Well I hope they don’t reject you both, because I won’t be there to mop up your tears and pick up the pieces’ sounds very callous and heartless – especially as it is said in front of his daughter, who is clearly excited about the news of this newfound extended family. Daniel has suddenly gone from wanting to fight for his marriage to being cruel and vindictive, and it is hard to understand this abrupt change. He is portrayed as petulant (‘Maybe you will – maybe you won’t!’) and at times quite spiteful, rather than showing the reader just why he feels like this. I suggest toning this down, otherwise you risk losing the reader’s engagement and empathy with Daniel. It is important that he isn’t portrayed as the ‘villain’ otherwise it won’t be a hard decision for Livvy to leave him for Roy. And if it isn’t a hard decision, then there’s no dramatic conflict. I think in this first chapter, another scene shown from Danny’s perspective would help with this, as the reader needs to understand his thought processes and really be privy to the emotional turmoil that he is going through.
I really liked Harley – she knows her own mind, is independent, yet despite being a typical teenager in so many ways, it’s obvious that she really cares for her parents. I thought the relationship between Harley, Sammy and Roy was touching. Despite being a hell-raiser in his day, Roy has become quite the doting, and sometimes overbearing, parent, and Sammy acts as his counterbalance – the voice of reason who humours him and makes him see sense. But like Livvy, it was hard to picture Roy as a ‘rock god’. He seems very old-fashioned and even a little stuffy. I think there needs to be more references to the crazy lifestyle he used to lead and explore why he’s become such a changed man. Again, you need to show, not tell, the reader this.
Setting:
I liked the description of the surrounding landscape near Danny and Livvy’s home. While setting should of course only be a backdrop to your narrative, it really helps place the story and brings it to life. I think more details about the places that Livvy visits could be incorporated, and if you show this through her eyes and interpreted by her, it will also give the reader more insight into Livvy as a character. Similarly, there was very little description of Roy’s home, which is something that could be expanded upon.
Genre/Market:
You categorise this novel as romance and saga in terms of genre, and also refer to it as a rock ‘n’ roll trilogy. As I have discussed above, while your book will appeal to fans of the previous two instalments, it’s crucial that it also attracts new readers, so as much as this ties in with previous books, it has to be able to be read as a standalone novel too.
Conclusion:
I hope these notes have been helpful to you. As I have already said, I think the material so far shows much promise, and with some polishing and developing as you go along, I’m sure you will be able to make this really leap off the page. I wish you the best of luck in making that happen, and hope you continue to enjoy writing.
Best wishes
Natalie Braine
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ProfessionalCritique
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Professional mini critique for The Cord by J J Marsh
Congratulations on being well-rated by your peers at YouWriteOn. I really enjoyed reading your short story. It was simple but effective in its message. This is a minor point, but given that this is such a short narrative, I thought the phone calls with Jill’s friends were an unnecessary distraction. The focus should be on Jill frantically getting ready, her thoughts swirling in her mind, then calling her nan almost as an afterthought, and her suddenly having to deal with this unexpected crisis. I felt that the conversations with Tim and Dylan added very little. My only other reservation was that Jill felt a little underdrawn as a character. Your one-line synopsis states: ‘A drama queen grows up’ yet Jill doesn’t really come across as a drama queen, just a bit disorganised and chaotic. I think she needs to be more distinctive as a character, and this will in turn emphasis the special relationship between Jill and her nan.
Professional mini critique for The Gallows Cheat by BW
Congratulations on being well-rated by your peers at YouWriteOn. I really enjoyed reading these early pages of your novel. The historical detail of that period in London is fantastic – you really transport the reader there. I found Matthew an intriguing character; the reader instantly senses that his arrival will bring much change to Thomas’s sheltered existence. The scene with Alice effectively highlighted Thomas’s naivety and his wish to be loved, and it really provokes the reader’s sympathy. My one concern is that Thomas can seem quite a distant, unknowable figure at times. Matthew and Alice are much more compelling in comparison, and you need to concentrate on giving Thomas a stronger narrative presence in these early pages, so that the reader will really be invested in his story.
Professional mini critique for A Red Sky in Morning by N A Randall
Congratulations on being well-rated by your peers at YouWriteOn. I really enjoyed reading these early pages. I thought Davy was a fantastic character – he really leaps off the page. In comparison, the unnamed narrator known only as ‘the art historian’ seems quite an indistinct figure. I think you need to reveal more of his perspective and really show the unfolding narrative through his eyes, otherwise he feels like a mere observer. One small point – Davy refers to the narrator as ‘my beauty’ a number of times. Initially, I thought that the narrator must be a woman because of this. Would a man really refer to another adult man as ‘my beauty’?
While the sentiment behind your story really shone through, at times I thought that the message was a little too overtly expressed, in such a way that it lost its subtlety and poignancy. For example, with lines such as: ‘Although he hadn’t pots of money or any of the other things associated with success, it was clear he was a winner in a far more important way – in life’. This is too blatant. You need to show the reader this, not tell them. Similarly with the storyline involving Mark Parker, he doesn’t really make an impression as a character in these early pages. This is something that needs serious consideration when you come to re-writing.
Professional mini critique for Births, Marriages & Deaths by James Natto and Joe Miller
Congratulations on being well-rated by your peers at YouWriteOn. I really enjoyed reading these short stories. They are concise and to the point, yet they really make the reader stop and think after. In short, their brevity doesn’t make them any less thought-provoking. I was hugely impressed by how economically yet how vividly you portray your characters. This really is the mark of a good writer. I thought Stand Up for Jesus succinctly highlighted people’s prejudice towards religion – and to people different from themselves. Good Husbandry made me smile. And I couldn’t help but warm to Henryk in Deepest Love, despite his vices! And the ending of We Are Gathered Here Together was entirely unexpected and almost demanded a second read of that short story.
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dancingsue
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Some interesting and useful comments here. Well done everyone.
the long and the short of itTriclops: a collection of forty short stories by Avery Mathers, Susan Howe and Lee Williams.
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Miller
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Natalie,
Thanks for the crit of 'Births, Marriages and Deaths - part 1'.
Praise from a professional is always particularly gratifying. James says thanks, too.
We have more of these if you'd like to see 'em!
Regards,
Joe Miller
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YouWriteOn
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Many thanks and we will be sure to pass on thanks to Natalie.
Best wishes,
Ted
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pam123writing
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Ted, please pass on my thanks to Natalie for her lovely comments on Always On My Mind and some good ideas for future chapters. Thanks, Pam. 
"And, in the end, the love you take / Is equal to the love you make." Lennon and McCartney 1969
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NEW - Orion Reviews
05 Jun 2010, 13:09
