It seems that even her abductor can’t help but warm towards Violet! It made me laugh that despite being in what could potentially be a life or death situation, and with her paranoid imagination running away with her, Violet can’t help but admonish her abductor when he tells him the truth about where he’s from. I liked the idea that two complete strangers, of different sex, age and backgrounds, find that they are able to open up to one another in a way they never could to those they thought they were closest to. It is an unlikely relationship, but one that has potential for much humour, drama and poignancy. It’s hard to gauge from your synopsis alone, but I hope that Luke’s character is explored in a way that the reader can truly understand why he has had such an effect on Violet. He seems like he is a criminal with a heart, but you really need to get to the heart of him as a character as the story progresses.

Violet is a woman who has reached middle-age, is in a marriage that gives her little happiness, and is starting to question her purpose in life now that her children have flown the nest. This is a situation that a lot of female readers will be able to relate to, and her frustrated sense of futility is portrayed so succinctly that you really empathise with Violet. I liked how you literarlly had her sitting on the fence, unsure of her own mind, but knowing only that she is dissatisfied.
You effectively hooked the reader’s interest in the first chapter and aligned them with Violet, but for them to stay engaged with her story, she has to intrigue as much as she seems to offer a cosy familiarity. She has to have that air of unpredictability in that the reader thinks they know her but she is still able to surprise and excite them. I understand that you want Violet to be a recognisable and relatable character, but there is the risk of veering too much towards this that she no longers feels distinctive or life-like. I think she needs a stronger voice, if only internal, in these early pages and more of an edge. During her interaction with Moira, she says very little that is illuminating about her own character. It is only when she directly addresses the reader that her strong narrative presence is reasserted.

While I felt that Moira overshadowed Violet in their early scene together, in a crucial juncture when the reader is still getting to know Violet, I did think that Moira Cook was a fantastic character. In just a few paragraphs, you have described her so well, she instantly leaps off the page. I recently read one of your short stories through YouWriteOn, and it is clear that not only do you steer clear of cliches such as portraying elderly characters as slow and set in their own ways, but you inject them with vivacity and individuality.

Setting:
The fact that the novel is set in the Lake District didn’t really come across in these early pages: it could oretty much be set anywhere in England, given the very minimal description. In a story that is as character-driven as this, I don’t think setting is as crucial as in a story that relies on this element of the narrative to build atmosphere. But it is important that the reader is able to visualise the setting as this is the world that Violet’s inhabits.

Tone:
Given that this is narrated from a first person perspective, the tone is inevitably affected by Violet’s moods and outlook. I loved her frank manner which gave the tone an intimacy that again helps to align the reader with Violet. The tone feels quite confessional, as if Violet is letting the reader in on her true feelings. It’s as if you have been introduced to someone you’ve never met before but you’re instantly on easy and familiar terms.

As you stated, you have certainly captured an air of frivolity in your writing. What could be a tense and suspenseful scene when a woman is help captive in her car becomes quite playful and humorous in tone. It can also be darkly comic, making light of the dark moments, but also finding the true darkness concealed underneath the humour. I think this is something that needs to be properly mined if you are to get to the hearts of your main characters.

Genre/Market:
As you rightly stated, this would definitely be classed as women’s fiction rather than a thriller. I’m surprised that you said that most reviewers hold the misconception that women’s fiction denotes saga, as in the publishing industry, women’s fiction incorporates anything ranging from Marian Keyes through to Victoria Hislop. While I think your novel, based on these early pages, has a wide appeal, in commercial terms I don’t think it is strong enough at this stage. But for an early draft, it is a promising beginning. I think you need to work on making your characters more distinctive, the plot more focused and the narrative more driven.

Conclusion:
I hope my notes have been helpful to you. As I have already said, I think the material so far is in very good shape, and with some polishing and developing as you go along, I’m sure you will be able to make this leap off the page. I wish you the best of luck in making that happen, and hope you continue to enjoy writing.

Best wishes

Natalie Braine

THE GIRL BENEATH THE OLIVE TREE by Andrew Wrigley

Dear Andrew

Congratulations on being selected for a professional critique by your writing peers at YouWriteOn. I enjoyed reading your sample pages of THE GIRL BENEATH THE OLIVE TREE and thought that these early pages had many strengths but I think that the material needs some reworking and polishing. What I hope these editorial notes will do is provide you with is some useful pointers as to how you can hone and develop the existing chapters, and what to pay attention to as the novel progresses.

Structure:

I liked how the story was structured from multiple characters’ perspectives. Not only does this provide variance and texture to the narrative, it also allows for a more rounded view of all the characters as they are not only shown through just the eyes of just one character. My one concern with this structural device though is that because story flits between different narrative strands quite frequently, in these early pages, it is quite difficult for the reader to really immerse themselves in one character’s story before they are pulled out of that and introduced to another one. Generally when writers adopt this multi-strand approach, the first few opening chapters are sometimes longer in length to allow the reader to align with the characters and begin to visualise their world. As the narrative progresses, the segments tend to become shorter and sharper, which also helps to maintain pace and narrative drive.

I was a little unsure why the story suddenly jumped from Pachinga as a nine-year-old to a decade later. Those intervening years are only brushed over, and it is hard for the reader to understand Pachinga’s evolution from a naive and sweet-natured girl to a woman almost devoid of emotion except for bitterness. Coupled with this is the fact that the narrative feels very unstructured. One moment Pachinga is visiting Josefina, the next the scene has suddenly morphed into a lengthy flashback that never links back to the original scene. I found this very disconcerting as a reader, and I think structure is something you need to pay particular attention to as your story continues.

Plot:

While I enjoyed reading these pages, I never became fully engaged in the story, and I think this is because most of the action and drama is reported and recollected rather than played out for the reader to experience and live through with the characters themselves. And unfortunately, this only served to distance me from the unfolding story, rather than draw me in. For instance, in the opening chapter, in what should be an extremely dramatic, shocking and moving scene, the action seems very removed, and rather than dropping the reader right there in the midst of it, it is almost like you are keeping them at a safe distance. Apart from Pachinga’s first utterance of ‘Don’t leave me’, the rest of the scene unfolds silently, almost in slow-motion. While this has an eerie quality, it also doesn’t feel quite real. It needs to feel immediate, brutal and vivid. If the reader isn’t able to connect with the scene, their relationship to the characters is compromised.

While there is a wider story here to tell, it should be refracted through the prism of Pachinga’s and the other character’s lives, rather than the greater context trying to be shoehorned into the narrative. The background has to seep into the narrative seamlessly, and at present it seems to be taking precedence, which affects the reader’s emotional engagement with the story.

Characterisation:

Pachinga is the central character in the story, and all the other characters are connected to her in some way. But from reading your early pages, I don’t think she has a strong enough narrative presence. I think that because the story is told from a third-person narrative, you never quite get under Pachinga’s skin, and she remains quite a distant and unknowable figure. She is the emotional anchor of your novel, and if the reader isn’t invested in her story, you’ve fallen at the first hurdle. I think you need to allow the reader more of an insight into Pachinga’s thoughts and allow them to glimpse behind the facade that she puts up to everyone else.

I thought Josefina was an intriguing figure: strong-minded, outspoken, and aware of her charms and affect on others. I found her a much more compelling and engaging character than Pachinga. Similarly with Juan Carlos, he is a larger than life character, yet I found it difficult to understand his motivations. His decision to offer shelter and a job to an unknown child seemed sudden and very rushed. His impromptu decision happens in the first few pages, and then suddenly it is ten years on, and it is difficult for the reader to imagine what happened between Juan Carlos and Pachinga in these crucial years.

Setting:

I thought the setting was one of the strongest elements of the narrative. It almost seems to come alive with the whisperings and stirrings of the dead, and it continues to both haunt and enliven Pachinga. While the landscape is described in detail, there is little description of Pachinga’s new marital home with Servanado. Simiarly, there is little description of Josefina’s and Juan Carlos’s dwelling. I think you need to highlight the contrast between the way they live and that of Pachinga and her ancestors.

Tone:

I found that the story was narrated with quite a dispassionate air. Pachinga’s bitterness seeps through and affects the general mood and tone of the narrative, and I think this prevented it from being a totally accessible story. You need to draw the reader in from the first page and keep them immersed in your world. If the tone is unremittingly dark, the reader’s enjoyment is seriously hindered and this will only serve to pull them out of the story.


Genre/Market:

Given that adult subject matter that involves genocide, rape, abuse and corruption, I was surprised that the story was delivered in such a simplistic manner. Was this deliberate? It at times felt like a children’s story in the way it was written, yet the content is too extreme for a young readership. Even for novels that wouldn’t be classed as ‘commercial fiction’, it is important to have some sort of awareness of what sort of audience you are aiming for. This helps to give the narrative focus and purpose. At present, I found it quite difficult to see how this would appeal to a wide readership.

Conclusion:

I hope my notes have been helpful to you. As I have already said, I think the material so far is promising, and with some polishing and developing as you go along, I’m sure you will be able to make this leap off the page. I wish you the best of luck in making that happen, and hope you continue to enjoy writing.

Best wishes

Natalie Braine

It's a good 'un, Paula! Well done to you and the others. Sue the long and the short of it

Triclops: a collection of forty short stories by Avery Mathers, Susan Howe and Lee Williams.

Sorry to hear that, Paula. You'll get there, I have no doubt. the long and the short of it

Triclops: a collection of forty short stories by Avery Mathers, Susan Howe and Lee Williams.

Thanks to Natalie for spot on comments.

That will teach me to turn up at the party with an abridged version...

Not that any of the faults outlined would be better in an unabridged version, just less visibly so.

Andrew Memory... What was that?