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ProfessionalCritique
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Each month an editor for leading publisher Orion provide feedback on the YouWriteOn Top Ten, including two indepth critiques, and four mini-reviews of Top Ten Stories. Display below is a professional critique of Silver Fox by Jacky Cowper, and mini-reviews of The Worst Best Man by Jonathan Rance, Chimera by Phil Gomm, Darwin’s Child, God’s Child by Jack Palache, and Into the Dark by Joe Miller. A separate professional critique by Orion is also displayed in the professional critiques forum. Chimera by Phil Gomm Darwin’s Child, God’s Child by Jack Palache Into the Dark by Joe Miller The professional critique by Orion Editor Natalie Braine is displayed in the next postTitle : Silver Fox (working title) Author : Jacky Cowper Genre : Horror, Mystery, Thriller View Opening Chapters Synopsis This is just the first draft of the first few chapters. A thriller with supernatural overtones, the hero, Jack Silver, must confront the darkest places in his own mind to combat and overcome the beautiful demi-God, Bane. He's supported by Loeb, a dark angel, who might not have Jack's best interests at heart...
This post was last edited by ProfessionalCritique, 07 Sep 2009, 12:58
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ProfessionalCritique
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Professional Critique by Orion Editor Natalie Braine
Dear Jacky
Congratulations on being selected for a professional critique by your writing peers at YouWriteOn.com. I enjoyed reading your sample pages of SILVER IN THE BLOOD. I think this is a promising start and what I hope these editorial notes will do is provide you with some useful pointers as to how you can hone and develop the existing chapters, and what to pay attention to as the novel progresses.
Structure:
The structure is quite simplistic, in that it seems very linear, is told from one person’s viewpoint, and doesn’t seem to involve a great deal of sub-plots of flashbacks. While you want your narrative to be clear-cut and have a definite sense of direction, you also want to add texture and variation to your story in how you structure the narrative. This may be something to consider as the story progresses.
Plot:
I thought this had a fantastic opening. It really pulled me in and compelled me to read on. It is both an intriguing and enigmatic set-up – who is Loeb and what was his relationship to Jack? And then with the line ‘I was happy and I was secure… Until this morning’ really pulls the reader in and makes them alert.
One thing that struck me was that the book was actually sold as non-fiction, and from what these pages and your synopsis intimate, Loeb is a supernatural being. This story seems to be set in our world where people wouldn’t readily believe in entities such as demi-gods and dark angels. So why was Eadie so receptive to it and why was it a bestseller? Wouldn’t people think Jack was delusional? This was a bit of a stumbling block for me. Perhaps if it was fiction, and only Jack knows that it is based on his own personal experiences, then this would be more believable. And then there would be this interesting dichotomy where audiences found this ‘fantasy’ novel thrilling, while Jack can never admit to anyone that these events actually happened – to him.
I found the appearance of the paper fish a little odd. What was its relevance, other than to mark Loeb’s arrival? I didn’t quite understand at first how it could be moving when it is made from paper. I think this needs a little more detail, otherwise you may confuse the reader, and in effect, pull them out of the story.
Characterisation:
As I said, I thought the opening was fantastic, but ultimately I didn’t think the succeeding pages quite match its promise. I’ll comment upon the characters individually and their relationships to one another.
Jack:
You seem to be giving conflicting messages about Jack. The opening sets him up as this cool, brooding, knowing hero, who has been to hell and back and lived to tell the tale – and made some money out of it, too. But similarly, Jack seems quite weak and indecisive. Such lines as ‘I pulled the covers round me and walked slowly to the door’ – would a man who thought someone was in house really stop to pull the bed sheets around him? This sounds like something a self-conscious woman would do, not the hero of a story! And when Jack meets Loeb again, at first he’s sardonic and keeps his cool as we expect him to with the line ‘I see you’re charming as ever’, but then he reverts to grovelling with the line ‘I’m sorry, that was rude of me. Would you like some coffee?’ Not only does this come across as mundanely domestic, but it paints Jack as rather timid and polite. And further down the page he says to Loeb: ‘What did you tell Mac… She’ll be mad at me’ makes him sound rather infantile. For the reader to engage with Jack, to root for him, and for them to want to follow his story, I think he has got to have a much stronger and powerful presence. Yes, he can be scared by Loeb’s unexpected reappearance, but shouldn’t he try to keep his cool? It’s fine for the hero to have flaws, as long as he does still seem like a hero! He also seems too accepting of Loeb’s demands and puts up no resistance. Why? This needs to be explored if the reader is to empathise with him. And I found the scene where Jack throws a blanket
Continues next post
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ProfessionalCritique
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over Loeb a little incredulous. Why would he do this act of kindness for a man he loathes and fears and who he hoped he would never see again? And he says of him: ‘his price would be terrible. Not his fault of course, he was just doing his job’. Why has Jack had a sudden about-face about Loeb, and even seems to be pitying him in this scene? What has prompted this? The line where Jack states of Loeb: ‘He enjoyed games and he was anticipating this one with particular relish’ reveals that Jack knows him very well, so why does he play these games with Loeb? Has he not learnt his lesson from the last time? And the next day, Jack seems to be almost cheerful: ‘I thought about asking Loeb to freeze time again so that this moment could last forever. “Hey Loeb. You make a damn fine cup of coffee”’. Why is he being so friendly when just hours before this very same man almost strangled him, invaded his home, and took advantage of Mac. Why is Jack so friendly and so forgiving? This feels a little contrived and unbelievable. They seem to have an odd love/hate relationship, and this needs to be fully explored. I really think these early exchanges between the pair need some revision, to make them more credible, more dramatic, and to engage the reader.
Mac:
Similarly with Mac, we seem to be told one thing about her, then what we are shown seems to contradict that. Jack describes her as ‘lit by some strange, unquenchable fires deep inside. She had a fierceness about her that made you think of a warrior woman, a Valkyrie, an Amazon’. And we know that Jack has harboured feelings for her for quite some time. Yet Mac comes across as spoilt, selfish and superficial. We are told her dad bought her house on the beach, yet all she did was complain, and how ‘as is typical for somewhat spoiled little rich girls who’ve never really wanted for anything, it was never good enough – there was always something else she needed to make her life perfect.’ While I think it’s great that you portray the flaws and vices as well as a character’s strength so that they seem well-rounded and realistic, it is hard to comprehend just why Jack is infatuated with Mac. I think she needs to be warmer and more engaging as a character, and for there to be more chemistry between the pair, and for little moments that give Jack hope. They need to have a more tangible relationship if the reader is to believe that Jack would risk everything for this girl. Show the reader why he’s besotted with her.
Loeb:
Loeb is an interesting character. He is set up as an enigmatic and menacing figure in the opening pages when Jack is describing the book he wrote about him. But I think the story launches too quickly into Loeb’s first appearance; I’m concerned readers won’t feel engaged enough yet. Perhaps you could draw out that fact that he has visited Jack in his sleep, and left a clue that he has been there, with a few more similar incidents. I think this could be much more atmospheric and will heighten the tension, and when Loeb does make his entrance, it will be all the more dramatic.
Like with Jack and Mac, I felt that what we were being told about Loeb as a character, and what we were being shown, often conflicted. He is set up as this all-knowing, all-seeing dark angel who has the ability to terrify Jack, but yet in the reader’s first encounter with him, he is described numerous times as ‘giggling’. Like Jack, this makes him sound very girlish. Ultimately, I felt he was a caricature villain rather than one that is so well depicted he almost leaps off the page. I think you need to make him more enigmatic and reticent in these early scenes, to create a mysterious aura around him.
Setting:
I liked how this was set in our world, but that Loeb’s world could encroach on it at any time, that he could invade Jack’s home and stop time when he wanted. The descriptive prose is kept to a minimum, which I think is wise for a story like this, but you weave in enough description for the reader to vividly picture where your story is set.
Tone:
The tone is quite intimate and inviting and the use of first person narrative adds to this. Jack almost makes personal admissions to the reader, such as: ‘Still trying to clean up that black and smoking soul, if the truth be known.’ Small devices like this draw the reader in and make them feel part of the story.
As you state in your synopsis: ‘This book is written with a ready wit and a dry humour’. Yet rather than complement the other facets in the story, I often found the attempt at humour compromised the narrative. At one moment, Jack will seem terrified, the next he is being jovial with Loeb, and this didn’t quite work. If you want to combine humour into your narrative, I think it needs to be darker and in keeping with the tone of the rest of the story.
Minor points to note:
Page 4: the line ‘my skin was skin crawling around on my bones’ doesn’t quite make sense – change?
Page 6: the line ‘I liked the idea that he’d gone from me, but didn’t like the idea of him taking up with Mac at all’ is quite awkward and clunky. What do you mean by ‘gone from me’? And how is he ‘taking up’ with Mac?
Page 6: the line ‘his nails digging into the skin on my neck and I believe, drawing a droplet of blood’ – why ‘I believe’? Surely Jack would feel if there was blood on his neck? This only serves to distance Jack from the action. Cut?
Page 8: the line ‘leaving the window behind again’ doesn’t quite make sense. Re-phrase?
Page 8: You have speech from the same person on two separate lines with new speech marks – this isn’t needed, and in fact can confuse the reader as they will think it is a new character speaking.
Page 8: ‘He managed to look suitably serious and I knew, in that instant, I believed him’. ‘I knew’ seems redundant as you couldn’t not know if you believed someone.
Page 9: the internal monologue where Jack is pondering an endless series of questions is a little much – cut down? This section only slows down the pace.
Page 10: ‘I jumped at least three feet clean in the air, still, I imagine, in a sitting position.’ Why would he imagine? Wouldn’t he know if he was in a sitting position? And further on the same page: ‘he lay down on my couch and apparently went to sleep’ – why apparently? Suggest cutting references like this as they are unnecessary.
Page 12: the line ‘I woke up, in my own bed, very well rested and I suspect, with a big smile on my face!’ Why ‘I suspect’? Surely Mac would know if she was smiling? Cut?
Conclusion:
I hope my notes have been helpful to you. As I have already said, I think the material so far is in good shape, and with some polishing and developing as you go along, I’m sure you will be able to make this leap off the page. I wish you the best of luck in making that happen, and hope you continue to enjoy writing.
Best wishes
Natalie Braine
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ProfessionalCritique
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Professional mini critique The Worst Best Man by Jonathan Rance
Congratulations for being well rated by your peers at YouWriteOn. I enjoyed the pages I read and I thought it had a strong opening that really drew me into the narrative. Jack is an engaging and relatable protagonist and I really sympathised with his predicament. My one criticism at this early stage would be that you class this as a romantic comedy, and while romantic elements are present, the first few chapters weren’t at all comic. Jack comes across as quite self-pitying, and there is a large section early on about the death of his mother, which makes these early pages feel very sombre. You need to offset the dark with moments of light, and this needs to be present from the very beginning. The scenes that have real comic potential are the dates that Jack goes on, his relationship with his best friend, and how he will go to desperate lengths as the wedding looms ever nearer. The narrative could veer off into one of two directions, and hopefully the reader will be kept guessing till late on!
Professional mini critique Darwin’s Child, God’s Child by Jack Palache
Congratulations for being well rated by your peers at YouWriteOn. I thought this had an intriguing premise and at times made for a compelling read. It is very obvious that this is an abridgement; the narrative launches straight in, and while it is great to drop the reader into the midst of the action from the get-go, it felt like it was out of context, and the background behind the story and the characters was never fully addressed. Additionally, given that this is adapted from a play, it’s inevitably going to be very dialogue-heavy, which has both pros and cons. Whilst it felt pacy and to the point, it also felt rushed, unnatural and a little superficial. None of the subtleties and nuances of a performed play came across on the page, and I think this is something that needs to be addressed for the reader to feel engaged with the characters and believe in your story. What are the characters really feeling? What are their motivations? What is the relationship like between them? What is the atmosphere like?
Professional mini critique Into the Dark by Joe Miller
Congratulations for being well rated by your peers at YouWriteOn. I thought this was a well-crafted short story that was neat in structure and had a clear message at its core. I found Kellan a prickly and unfeeling character, and as such didn’t empathise with her plight at all. While Henry is less morally reprehensible and so the reader does warm to him more than Kellan, he felt a little underdrawn. Although the constraints of a short story don’t allow narrative exploration to the extent that a novel does, I think more could be made of how big a deal this meeting is for the pair, and their decision to leave the scene of the hit and run felt very rushed and could perhaps be expanded upon. The sense of a ticking clock added pace, and the twist at the end was a great final flourish. One thing I wasn’t too sure of was why Raphul had got someone to follow Henry and Kellan in the first place? This seemed a little too convenient and not entirely believable. Perhaps something to consider?
Professional mini critique Chimera by Phil Gomm
Congratulations for being well rated by your peers at YouWriteOn. I thought this was a rich and vivid story, full of imagination. The opening is enigmatic and really hooks the reader, and you quickly immerse them into this strange and unfamiliar world. While Ron is a likeable protagonist, he never really leapt from the page. It seemed that events and strange occurrences happened to Ron, rather than him steering the narrative in anyway, and he was a little too accepting and unquestioning about what was unfolding. You need to get under his skin more as a character – what makes him different from other children his age, what are his likes and dislikes, what is he feeling? Even small details interwoven in will give a stronger sense of the sort of character Ron is, and hopefully the reader will engage with him enough that they’ll want to read on and follow his journey.
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JRance
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Thanks Natalie (I assume that you also reviewed my piece, The Worst Best Man). You're comments are very much appreciated and it really helps. I think you're right, I need to add the comic elements too and make this a true, Romantic Comedy, as that is what I intended to write. Thanks so much for your time and effort. This is the kind of advice that us 'struggling writers' really need. Today is my birthday, 34 - gosh, so old, but this was a great present! Quote: ProfessionalCritique, Monday, 7 Sep 2009 12:51Professional mini critique The Worst Best Man by Jonathan Rance Congratulations for being well rated by your peers at YouWriteOn. I enjoyed the pages I read and I thought it had a strong opening that really drew me into the narrative. Jack is an engaging and relatable protagonist and I really sympathised with his predicament. My one criticism at this early stage would be that you class this as a romantic comedy, and while romantic elements are present, the first few chapters weren’t at all comic. Jack comes across as quite self-pitying, and there is a large section early on about the death of his mother, which makes these early pages feel very sombre. You need to offset the dark with moments of light, and this needs to be present from the very beginning. The scenes that have real comic potential are the dates that Jack goes on, his relationship with his best friend, and how he will go to desperate lengths as the wedding looms ever nearer. The narrative could veer off into one of two directions, and hopefully the reader will be kept guessing till late on! Professional mini critique Darwin’s Child, God’s Child by Jack Palache Congratulations for being well rated by your peers at YouWriteOn. I thought this had an intriguing premise and at times made for a compelling read. It is very obvious that this is an abridgement; the narrative launches straight in, and while it is great to drop the reader into the midst of the action from the get-go, it felt like it was out of context, and the background behind the story and the characters was never fully addressed. Additionally, given that this is adapted from a play, it’s inevitably going to be very dialogue-heavy, which has both pros and cons. Whilst it felt pacy and to the point, it also felt rushed, unnatural and a little superficial. None of the subtleties and nuances of a performed play came across on the page, and I think this is something that needs to be addressed for the reader to feel engaged with the characters and believe in your story. What are the characters really feeling? What are their motivations? What is the relationship like between them? What is the atmosphere like? Professional mini critique Into the Dark by Joe Miller Congratulations for being well rated by your peers at YouWriteOn. I thought this was a well-crafted short story that was neat in structure and had a clear message at its core. I found Kellan a prickly and unfeeling character, and as such didn’t empathise with her plight at all. While Henry is less morally reprehensible and so the reader does warm to him more than Kellan, he felt a little underdrawn. Although the constraints of a short story don’t allow narrative exploration to the extent that a novel does, I think more could be made of how big a deal this meeting is for the pair, and their decision to leave the scene of the hit and run felt very rushed and could perhaps be expanded upon. The sense of a ticking clock added pace, and the twist at the end was a great final flourish. One thing I wasn’t too sure of was why Raphul had got someone to follow Henry and Kellan in the first place? This seemed a little too convenient and not entirely believable. Perhaps something to consider? Professional mini critique Chimera by Phil Gomm Congratulations for being well rated by your peers at YouWriteOn. I thought this was a rich and vivid story, full of imagination. The opening is enigmatic and really hooks the reader, and you quickly immerse them into this strange and unfamiliar world. While Ron is a likeable protagonist, he never really leapt from the page. It seemed that events and strange occurrences happened to Ron, rather than him steering the narrative in anyway, and he was a little too accepting and unquestioning about what was unfolding. You need to get under his skin more as a character – what makes him different from other children his age, what are his likes and dislikes, what is he feeling? Even small details interwoven in will give a stronger sense of the sort of character Ron is, and hopefully the reader will engage with him enough that they’ll want to read on and follow his journey.
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fudgefase
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Thanks Natalie, I'm very encouraged.
Happy Christmas poppets!
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Palache
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Thanks for the review, Natalie. All your points are well taken. It seems you overlooked that the work was a satirical comedy, but then who's to blame for that if not me? Thanks again, Jack 
my website
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Miller
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Thank you, Natalie.
It's most insightful to be reviewed by a 'professional' and your time is much appreciated.
Regards,
Joe Miller
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NEW - Orion Critiques - August
25 Aug 2009, 11:20
