Professional Critique for ONE BIG LOVE by RJ Leahy

Congratulations on making the top five submissions this month. If you entertained your fellow YouWriteOn.com members as much as you did me, it is not hard to ascertain why you have been one of the chosen ones this month! You certainly had me chuckling – ONE BIG LOVE is a page-turning, humorous read that very much brought to mind the kind of comedy crime writing produced by the likes of Carl Hiaasen. This area of crime fiction is a tricky one in the UK (more on that below), but nevertheless I am very encouraged – as should you be! – by the promise and potential contained in these opening chapters.

Plot and structure:
Reading your synopsis, (I like the way you have presented this by the way. I would normally be put off by gimmicks or attempts at being ‘too clever’ but it works in this case) you have a fairly straightforward, linear plot with a strong sense of purpose and narrative drive, i.e. a reason for the reader to keep reading. You have a beginning, a middle and an end, with the option of a sequel. It sounds obvious, but you’d be surprised how many plots don’t have such a clear sense of direction… and although I would have to read your novel in its entirety to gauge if it sags or meanders at any stage, you seem to have a strong sense of where it is going.

Structure-wise, as I said, it is fairly linear and chronological, but I like the way you weave in snippets and flashes of Sean’s history… small insights to pique the reader’s interest about how he got be here, but without giving too much away. This is especially effective with the repeated allusion to the big bust-up with the Juke, which I hope you manage to sustain throughout. It’s not the exclusive reason to keep turning the pages, but it creates intrigue and suspense which is essential in driving the narrative forward. There were a couple of places however where I felt slightly confused as to which time period Sean was reminiscing about. For instance, on page 22, he is recounting how he became a private eye, and halfway through paragraph 3 he is suddenly back in the present, which is slightly confusing. Perhaps this can be rectified by adding a line break or more emphatic punctuation? In fact, the convention is usually for two different time periods or settings to be separated by a line break, but that can often be too clunky. It totally depends on individual style, and your style is fluid and stream of consciousness. Basically, going back to my point, be careful of assuming too much about the reader’s ability to keep up with his stream of consciousness.

In terms of the actual storyline, it is quirky and funny – if not a tad fantastic, in the original sense of the word – but it is very much the way you tell it rather than the plot per se that gives these chapters their edge.

Writing style and voice:
Which brings me on to the writing style and voice of ONE BIG LOVE. I would usually advise a writer to steer clear of using the first person unless they have a completely believable, engaging voice, and this is something you definitely have here. Sean’s voice is bold, funny, idiosyncratic and completely credible. With his forthright addressing of an audience, his little asides and confidences, the reader is immediately sucked into his world, into his slightly surreal, often dark, journey and his cynical reaction to the things and people he encounters.

The overall style and rendering is punchy, effective and sharp. You have good comic timing and witty dialogue. Be careful however of overdoing the one liners and gags… rather like watching two hours of relentless, side-splitting Borat, the initial impact tends to dwindle. I would suggest the same with the Jewish humour thing; it is the only element that felt slightly contrived to me. However, for the most part, your writing is effortlessly funny.

Setting:
The setting and sense of location is very strong. Not only is it set in the US, but a lot of the humour and references are exclusively US centric, which isn’t really a problem if the writing and the story transcends the location, and for me the universal appeal of your novel is found within Sean and his telling of his story. At the same time, somehow you can’t really see a private eye like Sean operating as he does in the North of England, for instance, and it having the same impact.

The opening scene, with the extraordinary vision of Fat Chance dancing outside the diner, is particularly effective in the way it invokes, and installs the reader firmly in, generic small town America with a Twin Peaks edge to it…

There is a certain timelessness about this story. Although it is contemporary (I assume), I somehow see this working in the 50s just as easily, with all the trappings of America at that time.

Characterisation:
Sean is drawn effortlessly well. In him you have a created a character (and indeed a world) that can have life beyond one story. His identity is fully dimensional and unmistakeable. I see him as a Philip Marlowe type (is this deliberate?!)… a slightly world weary, cynical detective, but at the same time there is a childish enthusiasm within him. He is eccentric, prone to darkness and neuroses, but he invites sympathy and an ability to identify with him. In short, he’s altogether loveable. Perhaps it comes later, but I felt he could benefit from an ever fuller description of his looks, his age, his clothing etc. We assume he is handsome, but a more detailed picture of him wouldn’t go amiss.

The secondary characters such as the Juke, Fat Chance et al, so far seem to work well alongside Sean and seem adequately fleshed out. They have their own quirks and peculiarities, but they are credible and complement Sean, almost going as far as emphasizing his relative normality.


Specific line-editing points:
Page 2 First para of Chapter 2, the sentence ‘That, and when he called he said had a job’ is a rather tricky, unclear sentence. How about ‘That, and the fact that he had a job for me.’?

Page 6 What is ‘pulling a hack’? It might need explaining for a UK audience!

Page 7 para 1 Insert ‘a’ before ‘tag’

Page 12 para 5 from bottom Insert ‘of’ in ‘You ain’t got one… them’

Page 16 Another small point, but suggest referring to the car as ‘your car’ here or ‘the car’

Page 17 last para Missing ‘a’ in ‘She was frail looking thing…’

Page 20 para 3 up Who is Norma? There has been no previous mention of a Norma.

Page 21 para 2 up First sentence here beginning ‘My lack of knowledge…’ is very long and wordy and could do with being made more elegant in keeping with the rest of your prose.


Final Analysis: The crime market is a tough market, and US crime capers are an even tougher sell in the UK. For some reason, crime readers in the UK want their crime to be gritty, realistic and edgy. Saying that however has no bearing on my comments above…as I say, it is the way you tell it that is impressive. You have a great style and voice, a real ability to engage a reader. And if this talent doesn’t propel you out there with this particular piece of writing, keep at it because it will eventually. Good luck with it and thank you for a very enjoyable read.