Not a Cloud in the Sky - Literary Professional Critique by Sara O'Keeffe

Dear Mo,

Firstly, I want to say congratulations and well done for being selected for a professional critique. The standard is on the whole very high, so this speaks volumes for your work. I very much enjoyed reading the sample chapters of Not a Cloud in the Sky – it has a wry, satirical tone that I found humorous and appealing. As with any work in progress though, there are areas of the narrative that need strengthening, particularly in relation to characterisation and voice. I plan to focus primarily on those two issues in my notes.

Characterisation:

Given that this is a first person narration, it’s crucial that the reader can connect with and understand what motivates the main character. At times, I had difficulty interpreting Bev’s behaviour. For instance, from the opening paragraph Bev comes across as rather negative and cynical in her outlook. She appears to view her surroundings as banal. She refers to her home as a ‘Tudor box’ and is quite scathing about her husband’s promotion at work. She comes across as someone who is dissatisfied with life and with herself. Yet I wasn’t convinced that readers would necessarily sympathise with her situation. Do you want the reader to sympathise with Bev, or do you view this more as a character study? In many ways, this is a crucial issue – first person narratives (particularly in women’s fiction) tend to work better when the reader is very much on the side of the main character. If one is allowed access solely to the mind of one character, over the course of a full length novel, that character’s voice can start to grate a little. That’s why it’s so important to make sure that the reader appreciates and understands the main character’s motivation, so that even if we don’t agree with that character’s choices, we understand what underpins his / her decisions.

Voice and motivation:

Perhaps you might consider amending Bev’s ‘voice’ so that she still appears unhappy but less cynical? Alternatively, you could keep Bev’s voice as it is, but work on her character motivation. For instance, Bev is quite critical of her husband and has clearly stopped loving him. She then admits to an affair with her husband’s brother, Brian. Bev shows very little remorse for her actions. She seems unconcerned that she is putting the family unit at risk and may inadvertently hurt her husband, upset her children and help to destroy another person’s marriage. Bev only really expresses remorse after Brian confronts her. Could she show more remorse from the outset? Could we see her thinking over her actions, trying to weigh up the consequences?

Bev’s relationship with her children:

I found it slightly strange that Bev isn’t more concerned about how all of this is likely to affect her children. We don’t really see how the children react – only that they each go to their respective rooms and life appears to continue as normal. To be honest, I didn’t find that believable. Surely an event of that magnitude would send shock-waves through any family? Much of the fall-out from Bev’s behaviour takes place off stage. We don’t get to see how the people around Bev truly feel about her actions. It might be worth considering putting some of this drama on the page. It would be interesting to see how Lucy and Will react to their mother’s infidelity. We are told that Will is close to his mother – would he be jealous / angry? Would he side with his father? And what about Lucy – could she understand why her mother looked for comfort outside of her relationship with Chris, or is she too young to process all of that? It’s important that these issues are explored along with the reader, so that we can understand not only why Bev has made the choices she has, but also how these actions have impacted on those around her.

Plot:

Perhaps you might consider altering the plot slightly so that Bev comes across as a more sympathetic character? If Bev were in love with Chris or if her husband were a less likeable character, then the reader might feel there were compelling reasons for Bev to have an affair and may therefore relate to her behaviour more. As the narrative stands at present, there is a real danger that readers may find Bev’s character off-putting.

Bev’s relationship with Brian:

Bev’s relationship with Brian is built on sex. Nevertheless, it seems rather unlikely that that they have never engaged in small talk. It also seems rather strange that Brian would show up at Bev’s house after his wife has kicked him out, unless he believed that their relationship has some depth. You may want to amend this section of the story so that Brian and Bev do have a relationship beyond sex, legitimising to some extent his wish to run away with Bev. Alternatively, Bev and Brian could have a very limited relationship, in which case surely he would be unlikely to arrive on her doorstep and beg her to go away with him? It might be worth taking a closer look at this section and ironing out any inconsistencies in terms of character motivation.

The reality TV show:

The subject of reality television is hugely topical at the moment. Incorporating this into the story is a very clever idea – it gives the story a commercial edge and is a good platform for social commentary and satire. This is exactly the kind of hook commercial publishers look for and could really help your novel to stand out from the crowd. However, I felt the show itself wasn’t clearly explained in the excerpt. Could it be outlined more clearly, so that the reader understands exactly how the TV show works? Bev and Lucy both agree that it’s a cut above most of the other reality television shows, but I wasn’t sure why. Are the competitors more interesting / intelligent than usual, is the presenter more engaging, or is the show interesting because it’s a barometer for our society? Given how important this will become to the novel’s plot, it would be useful to get a clear picture of how the show works.

Writing style:

I found the writing style very readable, peppered with moments of hilarity. I particularly loved the description of Bev when she catches sight of her body as she gets out of the shower – the image of a rice pudding crammed into a hair net made me laugh out loud. I suspect that these moments of levity really play to your strengths as a writer. Perhaps you could introduce more humorous moments and clever images / turns of phrase into the writing? Often these small flourishes can make a world of difference, adding texture to the writing. Why not try reading over this excerpt, looking for places where a clever line or a sharply humorous quip could be added? Humorous fiction is difficult to pull off, but it’s hugely popular, particularly in the area of women’s fiction, so well worth developing as a strength.

In conclusion, I would suggest that you concentrate on exploring Beth’s character motivation and also consider the idea of altering her voice slightly, so that readers are more likely to sympathise with Bev’s thoughts and actions. By focusing more closely on how those around Bev deal with her behaviour, the reader will build up a much more detailed picture of the dynamics at work within this family. The more we understand the subtle tensions between the main characters, the more room there is for humour. This really was a funny, enjoyable read and although I don’t think it’s quite ready yet to be submitted to a literary agent, I do hope you continue to work on and improve this material. Very best of luck with it.


Best wishes,

Sara O’ Keeffe

Editor