Help - Literary Professional Critique by Sara O'Keeffe

Dear Mo,

Well done once again on being chosen for another literary critique. If anything, I think these sample chapters have even more potential than the previous chapters I reviewed for you. The subject of Z-list celebrity culture, fuelled by reality television, has become a very hot topic in recent months. As a society we appear to be in equal measure drawn to celebrity culture and yet appalled by it. This story really captures that. It is a sharply satirical and very commercial piece of work. As always, though, there are tweaks that you could make to strengthen the narrative and sharpen the prose style. Let’s begin by looking at the opening section:

Leading into the story with a newspaper ad is clever – it immediately established the main concept behind the novel and sets up the following scene. I wonder, though, if the phrasing of the advertisement could be a little more polished and enticing? The ad needs to sound so enticing that the reader is thinking: God, I’d love to do that! We need to understand how a bright and capable girl like Faith could end up babysitting a badly behaved diva for a living. The conceit here doesn’t work unless the reader can see how the main character could have fallen for the ad. Could you make the job sound more glamorous and exciting – really sell it to the reader? This will set up an amusing contrast with the following scene.

The story opens with a shot of Faith holding Pearl’s hair back as she vomits into the loo. It immediately brings the story back down to earth! The following three paragraphs explain what Faith has to put up with in her role as PA. I did feel that this section was rather rushed. There’s some great material here – from Faith seeing off Pearl’s drug dealer to her ruined wine-covered clothes. It would be great if we had more detail on all of this, so that these events become clear images in the mind of the reader. That will help to establish a context for the dialogue that follows.

Structure:

In terms of structure, this whole section is a little bit loose and could be tightened up without too much difficulty: The story begins with Faith helping Pearl be sick, then flashes briefly back to earlier that evening before they left the apartment, then flashes back even further to when Faith was originally interviewed for the job and Pearl’s rise to fame. By this point, I suspect many readers will have forgotten that the scene originally opened in the toilet of a nightclub. It’s important that readers don’t lose the thread of the story. I felt there was a little too much going on all at once here – my attention was split between several things at once and I found it hard to picture all of this. How about breaking these up into discreet scenes, rather than running them all together? You could begin with Peal being sick and Faith helping her. Faith could be thinking: How did I end up in this mess? It all started with that stupid ad. Then we could flash back to her job interview (in which we get to see Faith’s fantasy of what this supposed dream job will be like). A lot of ground is covered in this job interview scene – Faith’s motivation for taking the job is explained and her personal backstory is outlined, including her previous relationship with Byan. Perhaps it would be better to hold back on this information and weave it into the story at another point? It’s excellent material and very necessary for establishing character motivation, but pouring all of this into the interview scene rather muddies the water. Instead, why not focus on Faith’s expectations, hopes and dreams (versus the reality). Then we could move back to the present day where Pearl is still being sick. That would create an excellent contrast.

Faith’s character motivation:

Although I have suggested that you move the material dealing with Faith’s motivation for taking the job to another section in the chapter, I do think this information is key. In last month’s notes to you I stressed the importance of having a sympathetic main character. For this story to be truly effective, Faith needs to be a very sympathetic character – as readers, we need to be on her side, rooting for her throughout. To be honest, although I could relate to Faith’s character and liked her very much, I didn’t feel that much sympathy for her. I couldn’t help but think – if the job is so bad, leave! Perhaps it would be useful to come up with a truly compelling reason why Faith can’t leave the job? Has she been left with financial worries after her break-up with Bryan? Perhaps Bryan was originally her boss but they fell in love and Faith continued to work for him. Then when Faith broke off their relationship, Bryan refused to give her a reference, or her last month’s pay. That way, Faith would have no money and no job prospects, compelling her to hold down this terrible job long enough for it to look good on her CV (plus it gives her some emotional baggage to deal with)? It’s just an idea – there are a hundred other ways you could tackle this issue, but it’s vital that readers sympathise with Faith’s position. It’s also key that they believe in her backstory, so that Faith is more three dimensional as a character. You may want to include brief flashbacks to her past, so that the reader begins to feel that they know Faith really well. Then each time Pearl does something terrible to Faith, the reader can laugh at the situation, but ultimately hope that Faith triumphs.

Another small point on the subject of keeping your main character sympathetic: I had some difficulty with the way in which Faith deals with the subject of her father’s illness. When her mother mentions that her father has to have medical tests, she seems unconcerned. She promises to phone her Mum back, but forgets. Later, when her mother breaks the news to her about her father’s cancer, she seems too busy with other things. This doesn’t show Faith’s character in a very good light. I found it hard to believe she wouldn’t be more upset by such grave news. Perhaps you could take another look at this section?

Again, I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed reading these sample chapters. The material has a lot of potential and the subject matter is very current and commercial. A small polish to the prose and a more detailed look at the structure of the opening section could really help to make this stand out! Best of luck once again.

Best wishes,

Sara O’ Keeffe