Please click below to view the chapters Heavy Weather by Sue Warner. The genre been classed by the writer as mystery.

http://www.youwriteon.com/books/bookdetail.aspx?bookguid=879b3128-fcd0-46e6-88d6-54437aef7f01

In the next post is the critique of the chapters by literary professional Gillian Stern.

Gillian Stern works as a Literary Editor, following many years as a Commissioning Editor. She works with all the Literary Agents at Curtis Brown, reading, critiquing, and editing novels across the genres. She reads novels that the agents have signed or are thinking of signing (Jonny Geller for example is well known for work with new authors) and provides constructive edits, and her opinion on how a novel works/does not work and how it could move forward. She works on novels that are definitely going to be published, and which may also be the author's second or third novel. Gillian provides detailed opinions, and is well known for her constructive approach, and ability to help authors move forward with their work.

She also works with Luigi Bonomi and Associates; A M Heath and The Literary Consultancy, as well as directly with authors who know of her work and approach her directly for a constructive edit. She has worked on many well-known and very successful contemporary novels.

Moving on to Andy, I would urge you to do the same in establishing his situation with a little more texture and tone. Moving from the end of chapter one to the beginning of chapter two, I was a little confused by the change and so I would suggest that you do not begin chapter two with dialogue but instead an introduction to Andy. Of course, he can still be lying to his boss about having to stay at home but this needs to be done differently and we as readers need to feel a little more attached to Andy from his internal viewpoint. We move through his morning as readers with ease (even if he comes across a little unsympathetically – we can’t really warm to him as such) and get his measure pretty quickly. I like the way you establish Miranda and Gail and we are transported to Gail’s first meeting with Andy very well. We feel that an intriguing relationship builds up there and you lay the foundations well. I wasn’t entirely convinced that Miranda would want to be friends with Andy but that could be resolved by a gentler and more textured introduction to Andy as suggested above.

I would make the second chapter tighter – we don’t really need all the information about who he calls and how he gets through the morning (Tescos would not be overrun with young mothers enjoying an hour off – young mothers go either straight from school drop off or before school finishes and if they are without their babies, with an hour off, they would not waste time in Tescos! Shopping is something, unlike others things, easily accomplished with babies and children in tow) and it might be better to move receiving the letter and the memories this conjures up forward, thus moving the plot along and allowing the reader to become more interested and make the connection between Andy and Claire. I liked the reflection and difference in tone when we return to Claire and felt there was more here to get enable us to get a better grasp of her. You do slightly fudge the baby issue – we think she is absolutely pregnant when she first mentions it (and are completely horrified then that the night before she smoked 10 cigarettes, drank 3 beers and had been completely smashed with Lou a few nights before) and then realise that she might not be, but you move on this reasonably quickly and so we know there is a doubt here. You could perhaps expand the conversation with Andy or add a more meaningful reflection on their past but by this time the story is up and running and is gathering pace and momentum well.

In conclusion then, I hope I have made some helpful suggestions as to how you might establish the story and your characters with a little more depth and development and how the reader needs more texture and tone in order for the story and characters to make enough of an impact. I have also suggested you perhaps crack on with the story – plot is what it is all about these days!

Characterisation

Apart from adding more context and background to your characters, I think you have to make them a little more likeable and appealing. While I may be older than your target readership, I couldn’t help but feel troubled by both Claire and Andy. Claire is 30 but to me acts like a self-conscious, dippy young girl of anything from 17 to 23! She is entirely self-obsessed, vacuous and utterly obsessed by how people might see her. She is practically unable to deal with having to sit alone in an airport bar – it is not as if she is sitting in a strip bar in the red light district. Why would anyone be suspicious of her intentions or motivations for sitting in a bar in an airport? She is also not very kindly or lovingly inclined towards Dave and it feels unkind (rather than acceptably emotionally confused) that she is complying and allowing him to think it is ok to be giving up his job and home to come and live with her in Amsterdam. If she has doubts because she is scared of giving up her independence, of settling down, this is entirely understandable but for the reader to feel sympathetically towards her, you need to rework her thoughts and inner dialogue here and make her more tender, more compassionate, more enlightened. Of course she can be light (she doesn’t need to sit and read Proust while she is waiting for Dave) and concerned about her appearance etc.. but she needs to be a little less shallow and somehow more worldly and aware than she is at present.

Similarly, we need a little more depth around Andy too. As mentioned, it is difficult to see why Miranda would be so keen for him to have met Gail so quickly – what it is about him that is interesting, attractive, enticing? Why should we as readers want to know about him and follow his story?

You have succeeded in bringing your characters to life but I feel there needs to be more weight, more shading and more depth to them from the outset. In order for a reader to be full engaged, it is essential the main characters are credible and have something likeable about them and I would suggest you think about making Claire and Andy more appealing so that the reader wants to know more about them and what happens to them. Please don’t be afraid of complexity and insight – readers love this!

Setting

Apart from the problems I have with the airport setting, I was a little troubled by your portrayal of Amsterdam and Holland (‘bland and featureless like the country’ and the implicit criticism of the place by the description of the people in the bar at the airport and a complete absence of anything positive – even the canals are described as smelly!) I have spent a lot of time there and while of course, I agree that it is flat and dull in parts, this is more than made up for by Amsterdam which is incredibly vibrant, relaxed, cultured, fun, colourful (I would live there tomorrow for ever if I could persuade my family to come!) and the Dutch people. Why is Claire there if it is so terrible? Surely there is something appealing about the city to her? If not, why is she still there? I think we need to see this more clearly.

Writing Style and Voice

Your writing style is vibrant and appealing and as mentioned, you clearly enjoy writing. You allow the reader to follow your narrative with ease and the sentences flow well. I would suggest tightening some of the more extraneous narrative (see above) and to concentrate on setting the context, background, present story and characterisation with more depth and texture.

Conclusion

I would be so interested to see where the narrative is heading and how the story evolves and the characters build. I think you have a great zeal for writing and the sense of fun you have fizzes from the page. I think you have your plot and structure clear in your mind but are perhaps less sure on your characterisations and would encourage you to work on building your characters and making them more appealing, more developed, more complex than they currently are. This, I believe, will only fuel the reader’s interest further.

I wish you all the best in continuing with your writing.