Dear Gee Askew

Congratulations on being selected for a professional critique by your writing peers at YouWriteOn.com. I really enjoyed reading your sample pages of CUPBOARDS and I was impressed by the confidence and style of your writing. While I don’t think the material so far needs a great deal of reworking as it is already in fairly good shape, what I hope these editorial notes will do is provide you with some useful pointers as to how you can hone and develop the existing chapters, and what to pay attention to as the novel progresses.


Structure:

From the pages I have read, it seems that the novel will be structured from different characters’ viewpoints in Part One and Three, while Part Two will be comprised entirely from Ida’s perspective. This change in narration and point of view should give the structure of the novel more depth, as it will allow for a more textured and layered feel to your story. The use of flashbacks and sub-plots in Part Two will again add depth and interest to the composition of the novel. While the skeletal structure is quite linear, given that it has a defined beginning, middle and end, the fact that Part Two’s flashback scenes will be presented out of chronological order will prevent the narrative from feeling too one-directional. This is a mystery at its heart, and each piece will slowly slot into place like a jigsaw. One thing to consider is how these flashback scenes will interlink. They need to have a natural connection, otherwise the abrupt change in scene and setting could be jarring for the reader.

In terms of the overarching structure of a novel, you want a clear-cut direction as to where the narrative is headed, but to keep the reader actively engaged, you should try to bring in other structural facets, which is clear that you intend to do. Obviously, the structure of a young adult novel is much more complex and sophisticated than that of a children’s story (which I understand you are used to writing), and this is an element of a story that you can really play around and experiment with.


Plot:

What a fantastic opening scene! It is atmospheric, intriguing, and hooks the reader straight away. It has a real filmic immediacy to it, and you submerse the reader in your fictional world from the get-go. Not much happens in these first few pages, but they are never less than gripping. Less really is more in this instance. You set the scene, introduce Ida, and prompt the reader to wonder why Ida has so many cupboards and what is contained within them. Living beings? Ghosts from the past? Memories? The options are endless, and it is this that really provides the main narrative drive.

While the following scene, featuring Walter and Chesney, has some great material within it, I think this is an area that needs definite attention. There are some wonderful moments in the exchanges between Walter and Chesney. I laughed out loud at the anecdote of how Chesney’s name is changed frequently on a whim by his mother, particularly at the bit when he reveals he was once called Judelaw! However, I felt that there was a lot of unnecessary repetition and this scene at times felt a little laboured. You obviously want to convey that Chesney is slow on the uptake and can take things a little too literally, but I think this can be shown in a much more subtle and concise way, rather than Chesney questioning every single thing that Walter says. You need to be able to portray the banter and comic relationship between this oddball pair, without it feeling awkward and heavy-handed. It is clear that you come from a writing background of children’s stories, and I think that this kind of storytelling works fine in that medium, as children like to anticipate what is coming next and to recognise a pattern, but I think it could begin to grate on a teenage/young adult reader. I think this scene would benefit from some quite ruthless cutting and tightening up in places, as the atmosphere and intrigue that is so wonderfully set up at the beginning quickly dissipates.

I thought the idea of the picture window that continually changes scene was inspired. It offers relief from the claustrophobic sitting room in Ida’s house. It also adds a fantastical element to that story that suggests that the reader will never quite know what to expect. Like the cupboards, the reader wants to know how the window’s view is able to change, and why, and their curiosity will keep the pages turning.

You state that this is a novel, not a short story. Unless Part Two is quite a bit more lengthy than the other two sections, I would imagine this would be more of a novella. Part One and Three will inevitably feel like the bookends to the main action of the story, given that they occur over the span of two days, play out in Ida’s house, and feature just the three characters. Whereas your synopsis implies that Part Two will be much greater in scope in terms of setting, period and characters, and contain more drama and pace. It is important to ensure that the opening and closing sections don’t feel lifeless in comparison. From your synopsis and from what I have read, this seems unlikely, but it is important to be able to step back from the story and ask yourself if the writing is both engaging and entertaining.


Characterisation:

Ida Hubbard is a fantastic character – enigmatic yet also strangely familiar. There is something faintly sinister about her, yet she is hugely engaging as a protagonist. While she utters little in these opening pages, she has a strong, indelible presence, and the reader instantly wants to know more about her. Part Two should reveal what shaped her to become who she is, yet still leave a shroud of mystery around her.

Walter and Chesney are colourful characters that really leap off the page. However, there is the risk that they might become almost like caricatures. I think their portrayals need to be much more subtle and nuanced. I was intrigued to find out what the exact relationship was between Walter and Chesney, and their banter is endearing at times, but this needs to be reined in and kept in check for the reader to be able to emotionally connect with them. As I have discussed above with plot, for a teenage novel, the characterisation needs to be much more developed than that of a children’s novel. Walter is a more complex figure, given that his jokey demeanour is juxtaposed with his disturbing malevolence towards Ida. These scenes worked much better, and were more involving than those between him and Chesney. Chesney very much plays the role of the clown, but given that he has such a key part in the narrative, and that the reader is essentially aligned with him in that he knows as little as the reader does, he needs to be a more convincing character. As I have said before, his inane observations and misunderstandings are fine – but in small doses, otherwise Chesney could become quite an exasperating character.


Setting:

The setting is one of the strongest elements of this story. I could instantly visualise what Ida’s room looked like with its row upon row of mismatched cupboards. And the window with its ever-changing outlook brings another dimension to the setting. I think the intense claustrophobia of Ida’s dwelling, where the walls seem to be closing in on one another, will be intensified in the contrast to Part Two, with its multitude of diverse settings. From what your synopsis suggests, these settings will vary from idyllic, to exotic, to dangerous, and if they are depicted with the same vividness as your opening scene, then the reader is in for a real treat!


Tone:

I liked the shift in tone, and I thought that these changes injected more depth and life into the narrative. The opening scene feels quite quirky but is also laced with an edge of menace with Ida’s words: ‘Soon now. Very soon.’ Then the tone quickly veers into comedy, with the comical chitchat between Chesney and Walter. But again, it quickly darkens when Walter is left alone with Ida. And while Part Two may at times be quite joyous and buoyant, there will inevitably be some tragic undertones with Ida’s betrayal of her sister and the deaths of her lovers. But it is important that the tone of this section isn’t strikingly dissimilar to that of Part One and Three. The tone is essentially quite playful, flitting between light and dark, and I think this could work very well.


Genre/Market:

You list CUPBOARDS as: Comedy, Literary Fiction, Mystery, Novel, Teenage Fiction, General Fiction. I think the mix of genres works well, as this is quite a quirky novel. But I think the most important element to nail down is who you audience is. If it is indeed a teenage readership, you need to know what age, and to shape your narrative approach accordingly.


Conclusion:

I hope my notes have been helpful to you. As I have already said, I think the material so far is in good shape, and with some polishing and developing as you go along, I’m sure you will be able to make this leap off the page. I wish you the best of luck in making that happen, and hope you continue to enjoy writing.

Best wishes

Natalie Braine

That's a great crit Gee! Good luck with getting an agent. Sue the long and the short of it