DRY-WALLING by Cobble

Critique by Michael Legat

I think this is a very cleverly written story and I found it a delight to read.

The first paragraph immediately hooked me – that kind of thought about the way we carry out different actions without consciously telling various parts of the body to do this or that is one which I suppose occurs to all of us from time to time, and for this reason I felt an instant empathy with the narrator. I then wanted to find out what activity or event had caused the thought to arise in the narrator’s mind, and when I discovered that the subject was dry-walling, and it was a subject about which the narrator could write authoritatively, the second hook went in. This is good story-telling.

As for the dry-walling, I don’t know whether you have tried your hand at this work yourself – maybe you are even expert at it – or whether it is simply a matter of having done your research very thoroughly; whatever the answer, the effect is one of considerable expertise. And this is another plus, because readers enjoy learning about something, provided they are not being lectured, as a sort of by-product of a story.

So by the end of the third paragraph I am enjoying the story and the pleasure increases as it develops, moving from thought to thought within the narrator’s mind. This apparently inconsequential arrangement of various elements in the story is not an original technique, but in this case it is extremely well judged and works effectively.

A remarkably clear picture of the narrator’s character and circumstances emerges, as we gradually learn more and more, and even without any physical description, one can easily visualise him. There is however one small point which doesn’t quite seem to fit – would Jim know about gorgons and their snakes? Even if you think he would, I would suggest changing this sentence, because it took me momentarily out of the story to question whether it fitted with everything else, and it would probably do so for other readers too, and that is not what you want to happen. You could say something much simpler, such as ‘a bit scary-looking, like a witch.’

The occasional line of dialogue enlivens the piece – but of course the whole of it is dialogue in a sense, and the narrator’s voice is clearly heard.

On the second and third reading, I admired the way that little links to what was to come have been carefully dropped in. The one important element which is not signalled in this way is the adultery of the narrator’s wife, and I think it should have been, because her betrayal is the climax of the story and leads directly to the powerful ending. It’s a matter of following Chekhov’s edict ‘If you’re going to fire a gun in the third act, your audience must see it loaded in the first.’ A very brief mention of Dyson early on would do the trick: for instance, ‘Funny how your hands don’t have to be told what to do – how they just get on with it. They certainly did with Dyson. An idea is all you need…’ The effect of this is that the reader notes the name, wonders why it has been mentioned, tucks it away in his or her memory and feels gratified when it is explained later.

A final minor point: I would like to suggest that you should change Mick Dolan’s surname, simply because it is too like Dyson. It is a good principle, I believe, to get as much variety as possible into both first and second names of characters – different initial, different number of syllables.

I am not surprised that this story has been well received on YouWriteOn. It is a quality piece of writing. You have the talent, so all you need is a little bit of luck, and then you will get regularly into print. So, I wish you good fortune.

Michael Legat

Excellent story Cobble

I see that you had five free will reviews in a row. They seemed happy and to the point especially the "good! loved it!" one!

That is a great review, Cobble. I remember reviewing this and wondering if you were an expert at dry-walling.

Well done and much-deserved praise from Michael Legat.

Eileen