Edwin,
I've done a 1190 word review for you but can't allocate it as the piece has been withdrawn - too soon, too soon, it has terrific potential! (And I loved 'Spirit Security')

I suppose the best thing to do is to post my review right here... look forward to hearing from you. Cheers

Review by pendragon of ‘The Terrible Mess’ by Edwin Gorty

What a delight to have the opportunity to look at this deceptively simple, beautifully crafted, potentially stimulating, and likely to be loved children’s product.

A short YWO Review can be very useful even if only for being seen as the view of a punter, but can sometimes be only what the reviewer as an ordinary reader percieves. Often it is too subjective – the reviewer’s feelings and preferences, and general likes and dislikes, often without situational sensitivity or motivational advice.

A good Critique on the other hand has objective criticism, deals with readers needs but is craft related, offers advice from experience and imagination, aims at working together with the colleague writer, offers suggestions, explores options, and can give detailed editorial help with typos, edits, presentation, promotional points, etc. That is what I need from YWO and I am sure you would welcome as well - not harsh dismissiveness but thoughtful views, not general enthusiastic praise, but detailed pluses and minuses.

Of course we must consider what agents and publishers are looking for, and it follows that one must concentrate on the readers needs and how the submission matches them. Here we have to consider the needs of 5-6 year olds and the older person reading to them.

Children need security, stimulation of their imagination, contributions to their understanding of right and wrong, and of kindness and coldness, and explanations of every day things in their close circumstances and in the wider world of which they are becoming increasingly aware. They should have a hunger for wonder and laughter, and as part of their lives there should be the great and never ending question ‘Why?’ to develop individual confidence, increase knowledge, and contribute to the fulfilment of their potential. Contributions to all these elements are here in your work.

Young, un-crammed minds relate quickly to basic themes and you quietly and skilfully offer several:
Creation – the egg is the beginning of everything that lives, perhaps of the universe itself and why we’re here;
Good intentions without forethought can cause disaster;
Great things can come from sadness or adversity:
Simple good can triumph over powerful forces.
Often the mighty fall and the hollowness of power is exposed.

With such simple text and limited length you provide characters with rich meaning and subtle implications.
The self centred, solitary, and sad King – the monarch, dictator, capitalist or political megalomaniac who acts too late and overreaches himself.
Humpty – the amiable, the innocent, the put upon creature who suffers because of others.
The woodworm (conscience?)– lovely image – puck, gremlin, leprechaun - not so much cutting as chewing down to size.

And then the sacred, iconic, symbolic creatures from different beliefs and myths, far more appropriate and realistically logical concepts than the despotic and bigoted indoctrination of patriarchal religions. So I believe you have given us:

Maeterlinck’s Bluebird with its search for happiness;
The Cat, Bast - the Egyptian god of love, life, and procreation;
The Cow – the giver of sustenance, the Vedic mother goddess symbol of caring and nurturing;
and the White Elephant – the last re-incarnation of the Buddha, giver of wisdom, teacher about the beauty and wonder of nature, guardian of the planet, pre-cursor of Gaia.
Or have I lost the plot?

Ah, yes, the Plot. Simple but superb, every effect having a cause, every rejection compensated for with a welcome, every new companion adding to the potential danger... (when reading to the child I hope that there will be a teasing pause at pp16 and 17with the question ‘What’s going to happen next?’ and the response ‘They’re going to fall off, they’re all going to fall of off!’

But the suffering was not in vain, the simple egg becomes the universe, the king becomes powerless, and his symbol turns to dust.

The design and the artwork. I felt that the graphics brief was excellent and really enhanced the text with another dimension of enjoyment. The title page has white as the background, but on page 3 that is deep blue. However the sky is not created until pp26,27 so perhaps the background has to remain white until then? And when creation is accomplished are we shown the earth coming alive with some detail of countryside so that it is logical for the king to have a cottage to walk towards?

Now, children and language. They love euphony, the melody and the magic of sounds. The early appreciation of the effectiveness and beauty of words comes from repetition, explanation, and the memories of rhyme, rhythm and the pulse of the spoken delivery. My wife is a child care expert who has dealt particularly with children at risk for more years than I dare remind her. She loved your work and the idea of the piece but feels, as I do, that the delivery of the text really needs to lilt along more effectively. It doesn’t have to rhyme all the time but it has to have a beat to it, the repetition of words where most effective, alliteration, reflective emphasis to reinforce the action and consequence, and in short a word melody to which the child can relate and repeat with enthusiasm and ease. Even the most disturbed and abused children can be reached by being read to – that is something being done especially for them, they can escape for once into simple fun and adventure, they can become a part of something that is being given to them, and if easily assimilated it can be not just a personal experience but an accomplishment of their very own, when they can repeat the words, giggle at the funny or incongruous phrases, and perhaps loudly relish the triumph of good over evil.

The simplest of forms is the most effective and the iambic pentameter with bounces and in-line rhyming really works well (so I’m told!)

I also feel that the title is not attractive nor warm enough. Was it a truly a terrible mess? The image could be quite off putting for some vulnerable kids. And after all, it was a simple and neat division of parts. Almost as though fate had intended it to happen and the creatures were prepared to do their tasks. It was more like a fortunate fall really... A happier title would lie more easily in a child’s mind - ‘Can we have the ( terrible mess) again? Pleeeese...’

Nit-picking:
Last line of text and pp28 and 29– ‘have’ implies more than one woodworm

Graphics brief p8; ...around the king’s legs, not kink’s

Graphics brief pp18,19; Humpty lies by the wall in two pieces with his white and his yolk lying on the ground, not lies.

Anyway, thanks so much for creating such an enjoyable piece, and I wish you the best of luck with its development. I’m up to my eyes at the moment and we’re off for a short holiday, but I’d be happy to have a bit of a stab at some of the ‘melody’ if you would wish?

Warmest regards to a fellow Pratchett enthusiast (watch out for my ‘Dangerous Chimes’ – I’m submitting it very soon!)

pendragon@michaelvigor.wanadoo.co.uk
Pendragon