Lying in Wait by Elizabeth Jasper

Professional Critique by Gillian Stern


Many congratulations on being chosen as one of the top choices on the YouWriteOn website. Having now read your writing, I can see why it appealed so widely. You write well – with conviction, pace, insight and texture – and from the outset (a really strong first paragraph), the reader is pulled in and compelled by Malachy’s story. These are confident and appealing opening chapters.

I liked the tone of your writing – it has a realism that unsettles and a warmth that draws us in. There is a quality to the observation within the narrative that transports the reader – we feel we are really living this alongside the characters – and we quickly become concerned for Mal as he struggles to get by. Without giving us too much, you really make us care and this is something you should be really proud about – this is a rare gift.

The opening chapters here are scene-setting and the story that is to unfold, seems involved and more complex than anything here and so it is difficult to judge the appeal or quality of the novel as a whole. However, there is a quiet assurance to your writing and I feel quite confident that if you continue along in this way, the novel will be satisfying and appealing.

I would say however – and I am aware that you may already know this – that at the moment, it is particularly difficult to gain the attention of agents and editors. In these difficult times, I am seeing already established - sometimes even prize-winning - authors being turned away and as such it is absolutely imperative that your submission is as good as it can possibly be. It seems right now, that unless an agent ‘falls in love’ with the writing in front of them, unless what they see truly sparkles, they will not take things further.

It occurs to me that you could improve your opening chapters by writing into them a little more. While I was involved in your story, I did feel at times that there was a curious detachment, a lack of the interior, or self-reflection on Mal’s part, that kept me a little at arm’s length. I wanted to be more involved at a deeper level, more attuned to Mal’s inner thoughts and observations.

I also wanted him to be more self-aware. He is entering a new world and a new life and he is gullible and desperate for money and for approval – but he is not a child and I was acutely unsettled by his lack of questioning of the Conways. At first I thought that this was part of his character but as we get a glimpse of him in the past, I felt that actually he was not as naive or un-self-reflective as perhaps you make him out to be and that this lack of questioning was being hidden by you as the author. I do feel we need to hear his internal voice a touch more and you should perhaps allow this to emerge by taking us further within him. Mal needs to grab us as a character who lives and breathes off the page in his own right and not feel like a construct. We need to connect and care and come to know him in his own right and not be controlled in this access quite so much by you. I do feel that if you allow him to break free of the constraints you are placing on him, then this would give your narrative a richer and darker texture, an intimacy that might make the difference.

On a lesser note but one you might like to consider, I am not a great fan of the ‘three months earlier’ ’six weeks before’ interlude. I appreciate you want us to have some insight into where Mal has come from but this does break the narrative flow and slightly detract from the tension of the present. Could you look at reducing this section into something that flows from within Malachy perhaps?

In conclusion, I do want to once again congratulate you on this assured and confident piece of writing. It was a pleasure to read and I wish you so much luck with the rest of the novel. I would be very interested to see it when you have finished. Although it is difficult to place novels at the moment, there are still writers who are breaking through the constraints and it may just be that you could be one of them. I would advise you though to just go that level deeper – to allow in a richer, darker, grubbed-up, emotional texture – and this I think would transform your narrative into something that truly sparkles.

A big step forward, Liz. BIG step. (Wheeee) Miaow.

Thank you - I am so bloody chuffed! Now ... work to do.

-Liz http://www.elizabethjasper.com

Find my books on Amazon Kindle here:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Lying-in-Wait-ebook/dp/B0055T772K/
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Meggie-Blackthorn-ebook/dp/B005UBZOPA/
http://www.amazon.co.uk/A-Bed-of-Knives-ebook/dp/B007PT0ILA/

Brilliant, helpful crit, Liz, and a request for the full! Well bloody done, you! Scratch on Kindle

I have a blog now. There's nothing on it, but at least it's there.

Congratulations, Liz - I know how much time and effort goes into your work - the praise is well-deserved. Love Jan x