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timellis
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A mature (over 50) woman gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too. Don't Mess With Mature Women  !
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papa stas
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"The Two-Cow Philosophy"
A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your
neighbor.
A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, EU STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are eleventh the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you're not sure where they are. You'll look for them tomorrow.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.
A TALIBAN ORGANIZATION: You have only two cows. You load them up with explosives and herd them onto your neighbor's property where you blow them up. Your neighbor dies. You starve to death.papa stas (MOOOOOOOO 
The difference between a CHAMP and a CHUMP is U.
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papa stas
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President Bush and his VP are sitting in a bar when a
guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush and
Chenney sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So he walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor.
What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning World War III."
"Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis
and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a
blonde with big tits?"
Bush turns to Chenney, punches him on the shoulder
and says, "See, smart ass? I told you no one would
worry about the 140 million Iraqis."
...and speaking of Iraq -
let's not forget Afganistan
Q: What do Bin Laden and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, yet.
Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-1...
Q: What is the Taliban's national bird?
A: Duck
Q: How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.
Q: What does Osama Bin Laden and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!
Q: What's the difference between the Taliban and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket
Q: What's the five day forecast for Afghanistan?
A: Two days.
Q: Why doesn't the Taliban have drivers ed and sex ed classes on the same
day?
A: Because the camels can't handle it.
This post was last edited by papa stas, 28 Aug 2010, 13:22
The difference between a CHAMP and a CHUMP is U.
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papa stas
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Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said,"NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting, and played golf a lot, and drank beer whenever he wanted.
THE END
...speaking of beer -
A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white
wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up,
expecting to see some pitiful Yankee queer.
The bartender looks up and says, "You ain't from
around here, are ya??? Where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks,
"A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a
taxidermist?"
The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar,
"It's okay boys, he's one of us!"
... and now to the other side of the pond -
Irish Beer
At a world brewing convention in the USA, the Bosses of various brewing organizations went to the bar at the end of each day's conference.
Bruce, Boss of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In Australia, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a bloody Fosters, mate."
Bob, Boss of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all, give me a Bud."
Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer, ferdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist der real King of beers, danke."
Paddy, Boss of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, would ya give me a diet coke with ice and lemon? Tanks."
The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces.
Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"
Paddy replies "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I.”
…and while we’re in Europe –
these little diddies -
The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog.
The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"
The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?". I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"
The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.
An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
...and now what some think of France and it's folks -
"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." ---Mark Twain
"I just love the French. They taste like chicken!" ---- Hannibal Lecter
France is the only country that ever lost two wars to Italians. The French have gotten the surrender business down to a science. To save time, they figured out a way to surrender even before a shot is fired. Nobody ever aimed even a bow and arrow at Paris but the Germans looked like they were going to do it and the French immediately gave up the city. The last French general who won any wars was Napoleon, but he was not a Frenchman, he was a Corsican. The first Muslims to ever defeat a western army since the Crusades were the Algerians, who kicked the French out of their country. The only war France ever won was the French Revolution and that's because they were fighting against themselves....
This post was last edited by papa stas, 28 Aug 2010, 13:36
The difference between a CHAMP and a CHUMP is U.
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sulcus
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No self-respecting Englishman would use the word 'auto' for car. Also I think the Turks rate as Muslims & they won at Gallipoli. You might contest that their foe were Anazacs in the main & therefore not a Western army...
"A,B&E", "Not In My Name" and "52FF" (flash fiction anthology) all available on Amazon Kindle"How a psychopath makes sweet love. I can get you ringside. Royal box even."
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papa stas
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sulcus
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Out of interest Paps, how long did it take you to type out that really long joke?
"A,B&E", "Not In My Name" and "52FF" (flash fiction anthology) all available on Amazon Kindle"How a psychopath makes sweet love. I can get you ringside. Royal box even."
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papa stas
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CUT & PASTE
my dear sulcus
CUT & PASTE
papa
stas (who types rather slow these days)
The difference between a CHAMP and a CHUMP is U.
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sulcus
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Quote: papa stas, Sunday, 29 Aug 2010 14:41
CUT & PASTE
my dear sulcus
CUT & PASTE
papa
stas (who types rather slow these days) cut & paste from what?
"A,B&E", "Not In My Name" and "52FF" (flash fiction anthology) all available on Amazon Kindle"How a psychopath makes sweet love. I can get you ringside. Royal box even."
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timellis
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Did I read that sign right? TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Spotted in a safari park  I sure hope so) ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) 
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Joke of the morning
26 Aug 2010, 10:27
