Random House Editor Feedback on:

Title : Stealing Babies

Author : Gillian Charles

Genre : Crime

Date Uploaded : 30 March 2009

Click to read excerpt

Synopsis
Imagine wanting something so badly, you’d lie or steal…only when you got that 'thing', warm and sweet-breathing in your arms, it wasn’t enough. You had to do it over again. Only this time you had to get it right… When a baby goes missing, it kickstarts a train of events that become impossible to stop. And then a second baby gets stolen.




Dear Gillian,


Congratulations on being selected for a professional critique, and really well done on what seems to be a gripping, absorbing novel. I enjoyed the chapters I read very much and would happily have read on for what, going off your synopsis, looks to be a very exciting story!


Obviously it’s difficult to give you a completely full critique of your work having only read your opening chapters and synopsis, and my comments are obviously only suggestions, but I hope the things I have mentioned will be of some use to you.



Characters

You have created some really fascinating characters. I do think that on the whole we need more insight into all of them, however. I wonder if they might all benefit from being a little more well-rounded, so we can see more of their thoughts, feelings, dialogue, responses to things and reactions to each other.

You cover, and plan to cover (reading your synopsis) some very deep psychological and emotive issues and I think for us to understand, empathise with and like your characters we really do need to know them better. Perhaps more superficially, I also think that your readers need to have a very clear idea of what your main characters all look like, so that when we see do them from different perspectives we can tell who they are.


Emma

I think Emma is the one of your characters that I am most confused about. In your opening sample chapters she seems to be quite closed, almost cold at times and I wonder if we need to like her more given that she ultimately become the victim in this web of deceit. Quirks such as her dislike of chewing gum, and seemingly quite irrational dislike of boys, make her seem rather prissy. We never actually see a more light-hearted side to her personality. I know you’ve created an intense psychological thriller and not a chick-lit book, but I do think some more highs and lows might be good. Emma tells us she’s always loved the races, but we don’t see that when she is there, we don’t see her betting or in conversation, or in fact even really having a good time. The races might be a good place, to show us a little more of Emma’s personality.

I also wondered about her relationship with her children. They are referred to but never seen. Is this purposely done? I wondered if perhaps seeing her interact with her little girls, rather than just hearing about them might show your readers that although she is very focussed on her current pregnancy she is already a loving mother, and therefore a more sympathetic character.

Emma’s relationship with Cameron is also a little hidden from the reader. Perhaps if we saw more of it we could understand better the way she feels about him, and maybe how it changes to provoke her into lying to him about the sex of their baby, and, of course, have an affair with Mickey. In your opening chapter their relationship is painted in quite a positive light – we’re told she loves her husband – but this is very much at odds with the way she behaves later on, “The start of another row” is mentioned, for example. When Emma does discover that her unborn child is a boy what is her reaction? Is she worried because she really does not want a boy, or because she is worried about Cameron’s reaction to the news?


Joanna

Again, I think it would be brilliant to have more of Joanna in these opening chapters, especially as she goes on to play such an important role in the plot. We get only a very brief glimpse of events from Joanna’s perspective and I really felt like I wanted more because she’s so fascinating. The more we know of her, even if it is from her own perspective, the bigger the shock when we discover she’s an I.V. junkie and ultimately a child snatcher and attempted murderess.


Bev

I was quite confused by Bev and her character and I feel like you left your reader with many unanswered questions about her. I think to leave some mystery surrounding her would work brilliantly in your exciting plot, but I think we need to know her, or at least start to get to know her, better than we do at the moment, to give your readers the answers to some questions . . . In your synopsis, you refer to her as a ‘chancer’. So is her behaviour in these opening chapters some kind of act to woo Mickey? Has she singled him out as a soft touch? Where has she been when Mickey first meets her and why is she so delicate and upset? I know we find out later (in chapter 5) about her having been at Debs’, but it seems a little disjointed that we don’t actually find this out when she first meets Mickey. Mickey smells sick in her hair but doesn’t ask about it. All these unanswered details mean she’s very distant from us as readers.

You’ve created a really intriguing character in her, but I feel at the moment as if she is also overshadowed by her relationship with Mickey a little. She doesn’t have any narrative from her perspective, rather just a few flashes of insight in a chapter mostly from Mickey’s perspective. I think I’d suggest including some sections of Bev as it would be good to see her in her own right a little more.

I was also interested in her ideas about fate, and it would be good to see more of this from her in these opening stages as I imagine it will come into play even more as the book progresses.


Mickey

I think Mickey is a great character, and I love the fact we have this one male perspective to counter your three women. I think readers will have lots of questions about him too.

He’s the vital link between Bev and Emma, so I think it would be good to clearly establish his role in Emma’s life at the outset. Is he Cam’s sole personal driver, or is it that his taxi firm deals a lot with Cam and Mickey happens to get his jobs a lot? Mickey tells us in Chapter Three that Cameron is a “top man” but we get no sense of them having any kind of relationship at all. This might be something you want to bring out a little more to give us some insight into both their characters.

Do you want us to like Mickey? In your synopsis his intentions towards Bev initially seem kind and genuine to a point. He also very quickly refers to Bev as a girlfriend, which implies he does want a serious relationship. But this seems to contrast with his quite crude attitude towards sex with her. I wonder if you might want to show some more genuine affection between the couple as they get to know each other as well as just the sexual contact?



Plot

Reading your synopsis, it looks like your plot works well and I love the way you’ve weaved the lives of your three women into each other, with devastating effects. Your book clearly builds in intensity, action and emotion and looks in really good shape to be something very exciting. I especially love your final confrontation scene between Joanna and Emma. I have made some specific points about the plot at the bottom of this letter, and just have a few more general issues, which I’ll raise here.

critique continues next post

Random House Editor Feedback on other Top Ten stories:

Editor comment for May Top Ten stories that haven't yet received professional feedback.

View Top Ten lists for 2009

I think this month The Stranger in the Desert was my favourite of the three extracts below. She has a great tone that really drew me in and I was absolutely keen to read more. I was also very impressed with the way she portrayed the very real setting and very real characters with the mystical element when Michael appeared. I’d like to get to know Ahmed a little better, but I suppose this will develop as the books does. I would be interested to know how it progresses, please do pass on my congratulations to Jane.


The Stranger in the Desert by Jane Finch


I think this is lovely, atmospheric writing with a lovely tone that absolutely made me want to read on. I think the author has done a wonderful job of creating a vivid Egyptian setting that is alien to us over here, and a mystical element, whilst giving Ahmed such recognisable, understandable human characteristics.


I do think we could perhaps feel Ahmed’s resentment and frustration build a little more slowly, rather than have it all burst out so early on, but he does still seem like a vividly depicted and very real character.


Michael also looks like he is going to be an absolutely fascinating character, but I did feel slightly removed from him. I wonder if this was purposely done in order to make him even more mystical, but I think it would be good to describe Michael as vividly as she does everything else, with a few more details, perhaps.




Monkey Business by Rosalind Winter


This is a great story, which I think with the right illustrations would make a lovely book for younger children. I particularly liked Rosalind’s brilliantly done, funny scenes with the monkey, which I’m sure will really appeal to child readers.


I was slightly concerned that there were a few too many long sentences with lots of ‘ands’ in them that might trouble readers reading on their own for the first time. I also wondered whether a little more description of the setting - this tropical island and all its bright colours would be good. A tropical island like this won’t be very familiar to young readers, and as it is “the most beautiful place in the world” it might be good to have more about it.


I thought the story was, on the whole, really well constructed and paced. The only thing I wondered about plot-wise was whether the King and the monkey should actually become more of a team, working together against the ‘baddies’, ie the Admiral and his crew? This might also create more of a climactic ending, with celebrations etc that the Admiral has gone.



The Peter Chair by Jasper Dorgan


I thought this was innovative and atmospheric and I was very intrigued by what I was reading – congratulations on being chosen for the top ten, it’s interesting to read an original piece of work like this.


I enjoyed your very atmospheric opening, which I think draws the reader in, grabbing their attention and setting the tone really well for the rest of these opening pages. I also thought you did a wonderful job of creating vivid characters that really jump off the page. Your device of showing them, their appearance and some little quirks through Peter’s eyes works well and they, and obviously Peter himself with all his bitterness and black humour are very well written.


I did feel that at times the mystery surrounding Peter and your setting overshadowed your story-telling a little and I wondered if you might want to slowly add in a few more details to make these clearer for the reader.


Congratulations again, and I wish you the best of luck with all your work.


Orion Feedback from editor Natalie Braine:

Fly by Chuck Buckner


I thought this was incredibly atmospheric, and subtly explored not only how death can affect those that are left behind, but how grief can take very different forms. It addressed the big themes of life and death, but was told in an intimate way that was both melancholic and uplifting.



The Rainbow Seeds by Beth Silver


This was obviously a didactic tale, but it never felt too moralistic in conveying its message. It was richly told, with wonderful characterisation, and I marveled at each wonderful new plant that Selma grew. I think a lot of young children would be enchanted by this story.



The Scarlet Ribbon by Rosalind Winter


This is a charming little tale, with a clear moral message at its core. It’s simply told yet never feels predictable or straightforward. This is a traditional children’s story that is as entertaining as it is thought-provoking for young readers.



Bcc: by Daniel Lewis


This is a dark, modern tale that makes for a compelling read. You had me hooked from the very first paragraph, eager to know what had happened. Madeleine is an intriguing character, and you really get inside her head. While it is told entirely from her perspective, you strike that difficult balance between provoking empathy yet also unsettling the reader with the consequences of Madeleine’s actions. Most office workers will have received a similar viral email to Luke’s and I’m sure the next time someone who has read your story gets one, they’ll pause for thought before mercilessly laughing at the person’s misfortune!


Through the Eyes of Douglas - Previous professional feedback:


Darren Guest

Of the many submissions I have had from YouWriteOn, I find this is one of the most difficult to comment on. But before I try to explain why, let me say a number of good things about the material. You write well – the prose flows easily enough and with good varied rhythms which enhance the more dramatic moments. You conjure up the atmosphere of the prison effectively, and your characters are well-drawn, their relationships are clear, and their dialogue sounds natural and is used to advance the narrative. You open the first chapter with an arresting sentence, well designed to make the reader want to continue, and in its own way the start of Chapter 2 might be described as “gripping”. As for spelling, punctuation and grammar, there is little to complain of (although I see you say in the synopsis that the book is for “growed-ups” – are these the same as “grown-ups”? or is it the latest jargon? or a joke? And I would like to persuade you not to follow the modern habit of using “like” when it should be “as if”).

Now, why do I find it difficult to comment on your material? Because I am uncertain about where the story is going. The synopsis is so brief and vague that it does not help (if you think of submitting these chapters to a publisher, a much more detailed synopsis would be necessary), and the two chapters themselves are introductory (Chapter 1seems to me to be really a Prologue, and I wonder whether it might be a good idea to label it as such) and do not give me much sense of the body of the book. As a result I cannot be sure whether I would be saying the same things if I had read the completed work. You must therefore please accept my comments as having been written more tentatively than I would have liked.

My first problem is the realistic nature of these two chapters. Apart from Douglas’ dreams, there is nothing to suggest that this will turn into a horror novel, and although you are perhaps trying to give us a picture of normality against which the eventual horror will be all the more horrific, I wonder whether you are being too leisurely about it. I hesitate to make the suggestion – it’s your book, not mine – but might it be effective to let Douglas feel almost from his first meeting with Prince that Prince is controlling his brain? Well, it’s just an idea, but I think you need something like that to give an early hint of the nature of what is to come.

continues next post

I've only just spotted this 22 June post ...
Thank you so much for your kind comments. Very much, though belatedly, appreciated!

Athene

Scias te fortasse Romanum esse si animal convivialissimum arbitreris esse caprum (Henricus Barbatus)


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