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ProfessionalCritique
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Title : Dragon Breath Author : Gee Askew Genre : Children's Fiction, Fantasy, Teenage Fiction Read Opening Chapters Synopsis: An adventure about a boy who turns into a dragon and a girl who turns him back again. The first half tells the tale from the boy's point of view, whilst the second returns to the beginning to recount the same events from the girl's perspective. My previous novel for children, 'The Starstiller', is now published and available from Amazon, etc. The professional critique by Headline editor Nicky Jeanes is displayed in the next post
This post was last edited by ProfessionalCritique, 01 May 2009, 20:26
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ProfessionalCritique
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Nicky Jeanes is an editor working at Headline. Prior to her current role, she was at Orion and Transworld, and has extensive commercial fiction editing experience, working closely with many bestselling authors. Nicky specialises in women's commercial fiction, crime, and historical novels.
Professional critique of Dragon Breath
Dear Gee,
Many congratulations on being chosen for a professional critique! You’ve done extremely well to be chosen amidst such stiff competition, and especially so to stand out from the many adult fiction novels submitted to YouWriteOn.
I very much enjoyed reading the sample chapters of DRAGON BREATH – you’ve got a fantastic writing style; very readable, engaging and in the right places, very, very tender. You’ve also come up with a fun, original idea that should appeal to your readership. And, with the exception of Christopher Paolini’s ‘Inheritance Cycle’ series, dragons don’t seem to have been used very much in children’s fiction. Reading your synopsis, I very much like the fact that there’s a moral to the story, and it’s one that should reach out to your readership; they’ll probably already be very familiar with how it feels to belong/not belong and, as they grow up, learning to become their own person will become increasingly important. I also like the Faustian pact element to your story; that Drake makes a deal without knowing the full consequences of what he’s about to get himself into.
I very much hope that you’ll find my notes useful in helping you to establish which areas of your manuscript need some work.
Opening
I think your opening is excellent. It’s fresh, clever and funny, and engages the reader’s attention immediately. The downside of being a dragon is conveyed very amusingly and in a way that should particularly appeal to boys, and hopefully girls too. You build suspense with Drake sneaking into the staff room and toilets (what time does this take place? How does he distract his teacher so he can slip away? What lesson was he in?) – perhaps you could emphasise even more how nervous he is, and the physical aspect of his fear: the adrenaline rush, the sinking feeling in the pit of the stomach just before doing the deed, the slightly sweaty hands, hammering heart etc. The headmaster is an unappealing character but Drake doesn’t seem to have much fear of him – perhaps this should be slightly shifted so he’s really scared of getting caught and the consequences of doing so – to add drama? Would the school tell his father, who would perhaps be very angry with him, his mother disappointed etc.? After all, going into the teacher’s toilets and rummaging in the pockets would be a serious offence, wouldn’t it? Perhaps children shouldn’t be sent to the staff room quite so freely so that’s also taboo? Does Drake think about changing his mind, and need to remind himself just how much he wants to be a member of the gang? Perhaps you could emphasise just a little more what’s so appealing about wanting to join the gang; at the moment you convey it in a slightly knowing, adult way – essentially they just hang around on a bench all day. But it’s actually about being popular/ respected/ feared, isn’t it? You do mention this, but more sense of what membership would actually mean for Drake would work well.
Structure
Since you’re writing for children, once you’ve sparked their interest (as I think you immediately do in the prologue and opening chapter), you really can’t afford to let it go. I’m afraid that you might lose your readers’ attention in chapter two, purely because it’s very much written from the point of view of an adult/the headmaster. So not only will certain references go over your readers’ head perhaps, e.g. the Alan Sugar/Apprentice reference and the ‘special cup of tea’, but although it’s very funny for me to read, as an adult, I’m not quite convinced your readership will ‘get’ it in the same way. The internal memo and email are very funny, but you do need to have been in the workplace for a while to appreciate how annoying they can be – and therefore see the humour in them. And the story needs to keep moving – even more so than adults, children have a very short attention span and so you should be moving on with Drake’s adventure more quickly. Think of how fast-paced Anthony Horowitz’s Alex Rider series is, and also perhaps Andrew Klavan’s Homelander series. Boys need pace, action and adventure in their books rather than lengthy description of people/workplace politics (amusing and perceptive though they are!).
Plot
I’m afraid the plot detail about Wayne Bigger’s grandmother and her tea cosies doesn’t quite work for me, partly because it takes place over the phone and the headmaster thinks back over it (it’s harder to engage with a character if they’re not physically present, and comedy is more often found within the interaction of characters face to face). But also there’s far too much detail about tea cosies – they’re not a big part of daily life any more, especially for your readers; children who might not even see them that often – perhaps only at their grandmother’s house. Ditto the Tea-Cosy Kids sub-plot – this isn’t developed enough, nor woven properly into the plot. I’d keep the focus on Drake’s adventure at the start of the book, which is really exciting stuff, and we should also see the teacher’s reaction at how her beloved hat has been treated; is she embarrassed, angry, tearful? Does she threaten to send the culprit to the headmaster? Does Drake struggle to keep a straight face? Do the Bench Boys manage to conceal their glee? Perhaps then you could consider briefly moving onto Drake’s home life a little: does he have a big brother, sister etc., just to set the scene a little more.
Critique continues next post
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ProfessionalCritique
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The opening to chapter three is superb; you manage to capture Drake’s vague sense of unease brilliantly well – we really do get under his skin here. I’d probably be a bit wary of using the webcam as a form of exposition though. It feels just a little unnatural, and I’m not sure it’ll keep male readers engaged. We know that Drake’s feeling a bit uneasy about what he’s done, and that’s done brilliantly well, but you need to pick up the narrative pace again. Although I’m sure children do interact mainly online now, bear in mind that online dialogue is not always very interesting to read. A lot of the pleasure in reading lies in the escapist aspect; it’s possible the child at home might want to read about (older) children doing more exciting things than being sat at home in front of the computer. Just something to bear in mind.
Is the messaging glitch connected to Drake’s later powers? Presumably not, in which case, it seems just a bit too much of a coincidence – two computer glitches? Consider Drake finding out the Bench Boys’ perfidy differently if so?
Characterisation
Great physical description of Drake – and nicely done (catching himself in the mirror), a little more detail about his home life (and any other friends he might have at school) would make him come alive just a little more. His memories of staying with his grandmother feel a little forced in the scene with the webcam though – would suggest focusing more on immediate family life rather than the past. The Bench Boys felt a little indistinguishable (apart from the girl member, of course) – detailing their characteristics a little more would help differentiate them. Do they wear uniforms? Kirrin’s a really intriguing character and although Drake’s obviously much less aware of her than she is him, it would be lovely to be able to picture her and for her to be briefly mentioned in these early chapters. Perhaps we could see her reaction to the tea cosy prank? Would she be more sympathetic to her teacher than other pupils perhaps? Would be great to depict a few other pupils in the school; at the moment it feels like just Drake and the Bench Boys. I have to say, the way in which you capture Drake’s turbulent emotions in the last sample chapter is beautifully done.
Tone
It’s very difficult to know exactly how children talk to one another and the words they use, so I’d be quite wary of using too much teenage jargon/slang unless you know exactly what words they say – are words like plonker, wet, laters still in use, for example? Children are very astute and if you’re trying to sound ‘down with the kids’ and not pulling it off, then it could alienate your readership. Also, slang changes so quickly, you run the risk of the dialogue sounding out of date. Consider looking at other children’s authors to see how they tackle this. Partly for this reason, I’d consider cutting back on the online chat a little to minimise these risks.
I think you also need to work out exactly how old the readership you are writing for is. I couldn’t quite work out how old Drake was, so this should probably be a little more apparent, and do bear in mind that children tend to want to read about children a couple of years older than them. Once you know this, ensuring that your characters talk and behave in an age appropriate way will be easier, and also that the language you use will be suitable given your reader’s likely level of literacy. At the moment, in the opening chapter I had the feeling that Drake was really quite young, but later on the Bench Boys seemed older – as did Drake. This should be more consistent throughout the novel. That you’ve categorised yourself as both ‘teenage and ‘children’s’, reinforces the sense that you might not be quite sure which age group you’re writing for.
As I mentioned earlier, your general writing style is great – it’s very readable and you convey the troubled/conflicted emotions of a young boy with real tenderness. These scenes are very moving; powerful stuff.
Setting
You capture the atmosphere of school fantastically well; the smell, and the fact that teachers are so messy behind the scenes. Drake’s home life could also be described to add depth. More sense of school life – mealtimes, assemblies etc. would also offer a good backdrop to what’s going on in Drake’s life and give more sense of time passing.
Genre/market
As above, the most crucial thing you can do is work out exactly how old your readers are so that you’re writing at the right level to appeal to your market. I notice you’ve categorised your novel as fantasy – I’m not really sure you should place yourself in that category – it could limit your appeal and make you seem ‘niche’. When you look at Harry Potter and Stephanie Meyer, strictly speaking, they might be considered fantasy, but their appeal is broad.
Conclusion
A superb ending – a really great closing line to this chapter. You also capture so vividly those mixed-up feelings of anger, sadness and humiliation a young boy would feel in such circumstances – beautifully done. Do consider my earlier point about whether a second computer glitch is likely. Discovering you’ve been set up might also be even more devastating if you were to accidentally overhear what was being said rather than read it from the safety of your own room – and having to hold your emotions in check to save face? Presumably computers will also feature heavily later in the novel so not everything needs to happen online? Food for thought.
And that’s it – I hope you find these notes useful. You’ve come up with a great idea and you’ve got a fantastic writing style which, in some ways, are the hardest things to acquire. With a little more focus on your readership and some restructuring, I think you’ll have the makings of a great novel in your hands. I wish you the very best of luck with your writing.
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Dragon Breath - Headline Editor Critique
01 May 2009, 20:22
