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Dear Jo,
Congratulations on being selected for a professional critique through YouWriteOn. I really enjoyed reading your early chapters of A Child of the Blood. I have previously reviewed sample chapters from another one of your novels – The Token – and this time around I was once again impressed with the quality of your writing. I remember The Token also had a genetically-enhanced ‘Family’, and wondered if this was a continuation of that story?
A Child of the Blood’s opening chapters have drama, pace and intrigue and lay strong foundations for what looks to be a thrilling and involving novel. Whilst I don’t think the material I have read needs a great deal of re-working, I hope my notes will provide you with some guidance on what can be polished and developed in the existing chapters, and what to pay attention to as the story progresses.
Plot:
Your synopsis states that A Child of the Blood is a sequel and part of a trilogy, but from what I have read so far and what I can glean from the synopsis, this can very much be read as a stand-alone novel. Coming to this for the first time, I never felt confused about who was who and, while you don’t go into a great deal of back-story, you weave in enough information in these early pages so that the reader never feels adrift in what is initially an unfamiliar landscape. You instantly immerse the reader in your world and drop them right into the action, and the paciness of the story and the mystery enshrouding it ensure this is a real page-turner.
The opening chapter is particularly strong. It quickly sets the scene and piques the reader’s interest, compelling them to read on further. Arvan and Rendhail both seem intriguing characters and I desperately wanted to find out who the man laid out on the granite slab was and why he was there. You clearly know the importance of hooking the reader from the get-go and pulling them in.
Your synopsis mentions that Malim is psychopathic due to generations of inbreeding and I wondered whether the back-story behind the Family would be properly explored? If this is something that has already been covered in the first novel in the trilogy, you need to strike the right balance between providing new readers with enough information so they understand the background, and for readers who have read the first novel to not feel like they are reading repeated material. I think it is extremely important to contextualise your story not only because it is part of a trilogy, but given that this is a story that spans 1500 years, the reader has to understand the epic scale and the significance of the unfolding drama.
A minor point that occurred to me while reading was about the ability, or ‘gift’, that many of the characters seem to possess. Malim says that whilst Arvan is away, he will be able to read his thoughts and see what he is seeing. I was a little confused about the particulars of this mind-reading power – is it something that Malim (or indeed any of the characters) can tap into whenever he wishes? Arvan is having slightly rebellious thoughts about Malim, yet Malim doesn’t read these thoughts. Why is that?
It is hard to judge from your synopsis, but I couldn’t quite grasp why Alex would want David to trail Malim and surreptitiously take photos of him when not only does he already know what Malim looks like, but he also knows the threat that Malim would pose to someone as unsuspecting as David. This needs to be properly addressed for the reader to understand Alex’s true motives.
Structure:
While this could be viewed as a time-slip narrative, there is an added dimension in the fact that many of the characters are able to time travel. So while you have the benefit of the switch in time and place to keep the narrative feeling energised and fresh, this change never feels abrupt or jarring to the reader as both time frames are so closely intermeshed. This interlocking yet ever-changing structure also ensures that the narrative doesn’t feel one-dimensional or too linear. There is a clear narrative drive to your story, but the journey is never a straightforward one.
Flashbacks are seamlessly linked in, creating added texture and depth to the narrative, and gradually drip-feeding information to the reader, as more and more pieces of the puzzle fit together.
Characterisation:
Your characterisation is one of the story’s strongest elements. You quickly and economically get to the heart of a character, and whether a character is likeable or not, they are never less than compelling. One concern, though, is from the chapters that I have read, David very much seems like one of the key players and even the main protagonist in the present day strand, yet he isn’t mentioned in your synopsis at all. I had already felt quite attached to David from the little I had read and had invested in his story, and if he suddenly disappears from the story that could be a little unsettling for the reader. In terms of narrative, I felt that you had clearly signposted that David was a main character by including detailed references about his past, to not only explain the situation he is in, but also the type of person that he has become. I think David’s significance to the narrative as a whole needs real consideration; otherwise you risk the reader becoming detached from the story.
Malim is a wonderfully drawn character: sinister, twisted and ruthless. Yet he is more complex than just a two-dimensional villain. He clearly has insecurities and fears of his own, but he conceals these with a steely facade. But at the moment, he is the one who is really driving the narrative, and I think it is important for a character that the reader can really engage and empathise with to also steer and direct the narrative. Especially if David is not going to feature significantly in the rest of the story. You need an emotional and moral anchor to your story for the reader to truly connect with it, and it is important for this character to feature early on and take a hold of the reins, as it were.
Arvan is another fantastic character. He is clearly torn between his loyalty for Malim and Rendhail, and the reader is always left unsure whether he is someone to be trusted. I liked that while he is just a servant to Malim, he is someone who (perhaps unknowingly) can wield incredible power. He has the ability to dramatically change events.
From your synopsis, it is apparent that there are a lot of important characters who each, in their own way, are an integral part of the story. It is important to ensure that the reader doesn’t feel overwhelmed by the introduction of so many new characters, and that they still feel that there is a definite protagonist in the story.
Tone:
Tone is one of the hardest elements to master in a novel, but one of the most crucial. Overall, the tone of A Child of the Blood is quite dark and sinister, but you avoid this feeling relentlessly so by the change in setting and the vast array of characters. Inevitably, the scenes that feature Malim are quite ominous and even a little uncomfortable, but this is leavened by the slightly lighter tone of the scenes that involve Arvan and Alex. It is this delicate mix of light and dark that will ensure you reader stays invested in your tale.
Setting:
I felt the setting of the historical strand was more vivid to that of the present day. I felt like a little more description would not only make those scenes more vivid, but also make them more atmospheric. The scene where David is trailing Malim in his car is nicely done, but more could be made of the surroundings to give the unfolding action more impact. In a thriller, setting often gets overlooked, but it is an important facet of any story, and one that provides added colour and texture.
Genre/Market:
This has elements of both historical adventure/thriller and fantasy, and I thought you seamlessly melded these elements of the story together. I also think this has a more commercial slant, and could potentially appeal beyond the niche market of a fantasy readership.
Conclusions:
I hope these notes have been helpful to you. As I have already said, the material so far is in excellent shape and the story is a real page-turner, so congratulations. Hopefully with a little more honing and developing, it will really shine. I wish you the very best of luck in making that happen, and hope you continue to enjoy writing.
Best wishes,
Natalie Braine
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A Child of the Blood
25 Apr 2009, 11:27
Synopsis
